Pins in the head

It's a Tuesday. The sun is shining. The birds are all a twitter. There's a soft breeze blowing and it's summertime.

And where am I? Well, I'm not outside. I'm in a place where the good, the bad and the ugly congregate. A place so cold in atmosphere, I'm wearing a jersey (outside it is 20+C). A place where I keep trying to escape and they keep dragging me back. A place no one can believe you'd want to leave. Leave? Heavens, why ever would you want to do such a thing? The thing is... I'm actually not ready for the scrap heap, I'm not ready to throw myself a retirement party. I'm not ready to say the same phrase 15 times a day, 5 days a week... that's approx 3850 times a year - give or take public holidays. I'm not ready to be bored. And I know that's what I am.

What I am ready for is to shine and sparkle and do things. Do bloody great things with my time. Do bloody great things with time.

I had another blog to write, but as so often happens, my mind pins onto something else and this has been the pin in my head for a few long weeks.

a letter

Dear L_M

Tomorrow it's your birthday.
First one that you are not here with us. First one that we'll light a candle in memory, and not for you to blow out.
I miss your wisdom so much. I miss your voice and I miss your laugh. I miss sharing my "signs" with you.
Every time I turned on the radio last Tuesday, there was a song that spoke to me and I was wondering what you and Nhandi were trying to tell me. I like to think that it was just to say you are there. With me. Always. Sharing my life. Telling me to live it.
I've stopped kicking the cupboard door in anger, mostly because one broke and my kitchen needs its doors. Also, because I know you'd tell me off. I know you'd tell me you're free from all pain and while I'd never want you in pain, I selfishly want you with me.

But my time hop app tells me one thing, that you loved me so much. I read your whatsapps and have those messages of love as well. And I feel that love all around me. Thank you. Thank you for your love, your heart, your kindness, your chuckles and your wisdom.

Happy happiest of birthdays. Give Nhandi a smoosh from me.

Your A_D
Xx

Stuff and nonsense

I wrote half a great blog and then the app crashed. No one will ever get to read it now.

I've had some time away and it's just reaffirmed everything I thought I was right about. It's not the place for me. Bizarre how the brain works, how you can be excited over something you know nothing about. Or maybe, the excitement IS that you nothing about it. A year ago, I was giddy with the thought of travelling to another place, a new adventure. Today, I am filled with dread over travelling to that new place tomorrow. It's not that it's hard work and maybe that's the issue....my level of complete boredom.

It's also that the next 18 months, rests in their hands. Oh I have choices either way. But I dislike not being in control of my future. Ah contrarè, I hear you cry, you flit like a small butterfly and can't make a choice over what to eat. And yes you could be right. But when I want something bad....then I fight. I did a year ago.

Either way.... being sad over tomorrow is not the life goal I have for myself. It might take longer, but either way....it's going to change.

Musicality

I read a meme about why we mourn when musical stars die. I can't remember how it went, but here is my take on it.

Essentially, they are there at the big moments of your life. Their lyrics speak to you in pivotal moments that you have growing up and beyond (when you think you are an adult).

First love? There's a song/band for that. First heartbreak? Again you can pin a song to it. Epic parties...again there's music.

I can't speak for all, but there's s definite soundtrack to my life. Songs that can bring a memory, a smell and even my clothes to mind.

Iko Iko - singing with Nhandi. Loudly and badly. Laughing at the playback of the recording so hard that we nearly puked.

Our House by Madness - my dad, mom and I doing the Cameron Drift tour.

Brother by Matt Corby - driving and crying when Peter passed away.

Counting Crows - Omaha for TB. Mr Jones for loud road trips with CG.

Tropical London - my ability to get lyrics so wrong and the road to Southend.

Down with the sickness - download festival 2016.

And that's just a small sample.

I used to fall asleep to a favourite mixed 'tape'.

I've always had music so it's no surprise I get sad when a musician is no longer. They've been part of the history of me.

Adapting

Growing up in SA, so many years ago, we didn't get to see international bands all that much. Won tickets to modern talking at age 13. 😉 Saw a few others in my teens.

So I have taken and made sure my son has had the chance to go to many gigs/shows/arenas. His first arena was 30 seconds to mars at age 11.

I've encouraged him to see as much live music as possible. We've done festivals etc etc. He goes off on his own now and my greatest fear is that he breaks a bone in a mosh pit (or misses his train home). You don't send your kids off to a gig and worry some ass is going to try and blow your babies up. You just don't. We shouldn't have to.

And I know people say, 'oh this is the world we live in now'. And I have no response to that, other than to ask what can we do to change that.

And I'm not saying I'll stop him from going or not go myself. That's not the way we live.

 I guess we educate ourselves and those around us more. Since the Eagles of Dearh Metal attack, I've gone to gigs and worked out escape routes. I go on public transport and I work out escape routes. Adapting to the threat of a terrorist attack being always a threat.

I suppose that might be the answer. You don't just roll over and say that's how life is now and therefore I'm never going to go out to a public event. You adapt to the threats around you and like a giraffe at a watering hole, you keep an eye out for the lions. But you still enjoy your water.

Hello Grit

So we are in a period of change. Now it's easy to get overwhelmed and bogged down in the minutiae of it all. But we make plans and we know the potential pitfalls, the possible perks and for the most part, we soar with all of it.

And this is it, we have such a great chance here to live. Just need to get into the routine of new living. It's easy to say "oh once x, y and z are done....then I'll do a, b and c". But it works better when you don't make hurdles where there are none. Let's do it all now.

And we are. Patient and skilled. We have grit. We have stuff and skips.

I do have a plan....it's to get out of the lives of small minded people. As simple as that. And there are things in place to get there.

I have goals for 2017. Eat Brazilian. Not a coy reference or innuendo. I mean it in a literal sense. I want to go to the Brazilian restaurant. I have other goals....but they are for walks and mind. Not public blogs.

Change your reality

Well, I've changed the theme to this blog... I'm not actually sure why I do this. Because I don't ever see the theme myself (only when I'm changing it) and I don't really get anyone telling me it's a crap/great looking page.

But I think it may stem from the part of me that dislikes things staying the same. However, while taking a super epic grand walk this weekend, I have acknowledged that actually in order to succeed, you need a little routine, you need a plan to adhere to. And actually, flitting about from one thing to another, like a pretty little butterfly - well you might look all sparkly and glittery (as butterflies do) but what are you achieving? Precisely zero. Because you aren't settling in one place, doing one thing for long enough to see any kind of result.
I say that I acknowledged this this weekend, but I think my last couple of blogs about my writing have hinted at this very thing. I was only ready to address it now. Instead of rambling, go do.

If you look at most things, we can admit to ourselves and others about how things/events should occur. We can take advice and agree until the cows roost in their roosty places. But it is only when we acknowledge it ourselves, that we commit to making it reality for ourselves.

Perception is reality. And I'm acknowledging my perception is changing my reality. And my reality will change my perception.

Although procrastination is still my main order of the day - case in point, I booted up the laptop in order to do some work (like real actual forward thinking work). Instead, I have emailed LBW with a picture that popped up (and that's freaky enough to warrant another blog), changed my email password, cleaned up the email folders, updated my virus protection and changed the theme to this blog. All very noble and things that should be done I imagine. But the real work... yet to start that.