Apologies

I've been accused in the past of holding stuff in and not saying things when I should. Last night I should have heeded that accusation. And I was, I was telling myself the stupidity of how I was feeling - I KNEW I was being unreasonable and an idiot. But instead I opened my mouth and ruined a perfectly fine evening. I did that and I feel awful for it. I won't be able to apologise enough.

At the time I just wanted to be honest and then things could carry on as normal. But wires got crossed and I wasn't very eloquent at getting my point across.

I could blame my womanly hormones being where they are at this time of the month, I could blame the vodka. Truth is, I've been pretty emotional all week, but doing a good job at putting it to one side.

My problem lies here - I'm not one of those girls who freak out, I'm not a jealous person. I know this, I've never been one. And I wasn't last night, but that's what it came across as and that makes me unhappy because I'm not that person.

Have I screwed it all up? God, I hope not. To have 8 months snatched because of one sentence just seems really cruel.

I want a line drawn under it, I want to go back to 24 hours ago. I want coffee and prawns and all things that make me smile and laugh.

Monday monday dum dar dum de dar

This is shaping up to be a stereotypical Monday. What fun.

5 minutes after starting my 8 hour shift at work, I decided that my Chanel Mademoiselle wasn't cutting it and threw half a pint of milk over my person. Eeeew de Milk. Fabulous. Thankfully it's not too warm, so the smell of curdled milk isn't quite accosting nostrils just yet.

And people are annoying me. I don't know if it's because I'm a self confessed nerd type but taking the piss really annoys me. No actually that's not strictly true - blatant taking the piss annoys me. Thinking everyone owes you the moon on a stick, without you doing anything, annoys me. Being selfish annoys me. THAT'S probably the gist of it. Selfish people. They irritate the crap out of me.

Bylaws don't irritate me, I appreciate that they are there for my protection: bylaw 17.2 - invites are for the sole use of me.

The Language I Love

• "Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary." - John Keating, Dead Poets Society (1989)

I'm reminded of this movie on the day that news breaks that Robin Williams has died. Now, I know he wasn't John Keating, it was only a part he played. And maybe he didn't write the line either but wow! it's one line from a movie that captured me. *along with 'nobody puts Baby in a corner' naturally.

But as I come to write this blog, I realise it wasn't about the movie (I can't really remember the movie), it was about a teacher I had, who did what John Keating did. She inspired, she reached into your heart and pulled out the emotion, the talent, the expectation that you could be great/special/wonderful. She made you believe in yourself. She also wanted you to do well....sounds like an obvious characteristic a teacher should have. But they don't always.

Mrs S did and judging by the love seen on Fbook, she still does.

Back to Dead Poets Society: Mrs S let us jump off her desk.

• "We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for." - John Keating, Dead Poets Society (1989)

The world must know!

The world should know - purely on the basis of knowing alone.

The Trick is an awesome trick. Devised to impress and some other shtuff.

The world mustn't know what The Trick is. And it shouldn't be shared. But you should realise and know how amazing and incredible it is.

I was astounded (in a good way). It almost reduces me to tears every time I see The Trick. Such a shtroke of genius and talent.

It rocks.

Character traits....

Things I know about myself:

a) I am sentimental and quite emotional. For instance, tonight - after a long and meh kind of day: I realised I'm truly going to miss our journeys to and from work, and I got a little bit 'put out'. There will be other journeys - I know this. But the ones to and from work are the ones I'm going to miss. The putting the day to rest (the from) and the gearing up for the day ahead (the to). Having a moan, a chat, a de-stress if you will. I've come to really like the journeys to and from - not something I have before. Thank you for making my work trips a less boring part of my day.

b) I always laughed when people commented on my supposed flaw of wanting things my own way - I mean who else's way would I want them? But today I realised I am quite the perfectionist (never thought I'd write that). I like things ordered and if I have a plan, I want it just so. I was told no by a shop today. Well I heard 'no'...what they said was 'we don't have it in stock'. Well, why ever not? I am the consumer, if it is advertised, then it should be there no? I had it in my head, that was what I wanted - that particular item. So I explored my options - I ran to another shop and was told 'no' there again. *points to note: not one foot was stamped - brattish I am not!* So I went to plan C: I phoned all the shops in that genre in a 20 mile radius. I was thwarted at every turn. I got mad, I got sad and I got annoyed that I had to rethink my purchase. BUT I wanted it to be in the plan, I wanted it to be perfect and just so. And it's not going to be. That sucks and I'm not happy.

c) To follow... I'm tired and I need my bed. :D

a lot of nonsense

Goodness me, I'm very bored. 45 min = 2700 seconds didn't you know?

Things I'm wondering right now:

If I started to scream really loudly would I start giggling halfway through my scream, thus ending up warbling? Would people stop and stare or enquire as to my plight? Could I then go home?

Yup, there's just nonsense travelling at great speed throughout my brain.

I'm also inflicted with a sore head which might be because I didn't finish the course of antibiotics and therefore my sinusitis is lingering OR it could be because I blow dried my fringe into my face this morning and now I can't see very well.

Also, my bag has a lot of crap in it (was looking for a clip to tie the floppy fringe back). It appears I have everything in this bag bar a clip. I have an hair band but it's not a look I strive for in public.

I would also like to proclaim a new law - I'm sure it's been written down before but I'm not certain. Pizza, Bear, Tuesdays. Set in stone forevermore - or a page on the www which is pretty much the same thing.

A time to remember

Argh, I hope I'm not going to be all remembery and so on this month. But I think I'll give myself this one.

A year ago...

A year ago, I drove The Muppet from Melkbos to LBW. A year ago, I sat in a car on my way to LBW and cried and laughed and spoke a LOT to myself (see previous blog). I also saw people I NEEDED to see. I drove in a car with LBW - something not done since age 17 and yet, I was still under the influence - conclusive proof that time changes not a sausage!

I did cartwheels on a beach where so many memories had been made. I said au revoir to my Nhands. I wrote a speech and finally said it without crying. She came to us on a wave and made us all laugh.

In truth, I can write so much about that day, how it meant so much to me. But more than that, how a group of women joined by shared experiences but for the most part, joined by Nhandi alone, came together to remember her in such a special way that had Nhandi written all over it. She loved her family and adored her friends and there we were, in an incredibly special place remembering her in just the right way. In a way she would have totally approved of.

And I do think she would have approved of the whole day. I would rather she had been there.

When the tears become too much and I'm racked with sobs and that sense of loss, I really do think of that day a year ago, and it calms me in a way I can't explain.

It's a farce

They say Africa time runs on slow. Clearly those people who say such things, never worked where I do. This is the place where a snail is considered the fastest land animal and a sloth is the most productive creature ever known to man.

But that’s all an aside. There are so many other analogies I could use. None of them fit for a blog of my calibre. None of them that would continue to pay my wages, until I find other employment.

And I will. It’s served it’s purpose. I don’t believe I can justify my time here anymore. Every office has it’s bureaucracies, every office has it’s time of sniping and so on. But it just seems my office is having a time of ineptitude. A really long time. And if I can see it, someone so far down the ladder, a worker bee if you will, then how can our ‘esteemed’ leaders not see this?

It says a lot about an organisation – no that’s not fair, I mean management in your area – when they try their very best to make sure you don’t progress, and if you dare to attempt to release yourself from their grubby paws, they make your life a living hell. However, should you take the piss, should you milk the system for all it’s worth – not unlike benefit fraud in my eyes – then you are rewarded. How screwed up is that? How is that inspiring?

And that’s what leaders should do – they should inspire, they should lead (it’s in the title), they should encourage. Not dismantle, not discredit, not destroy. How can my organisation get the best out of me, when I’m not getting the best out of them?

*hasten to add, not my manager but up the chain*

Of remembering and driving

Dear Blog

So sorry I have been absent. What can I say? Life has just marched on regardless without a spare minute. It does that.

But it’s that time – and I knew it would happen. Reflections of years gone by. I have that Timehop app and while normally it gives me a giggle, yesterday it stirred a few memories I’ve been attempting to suppress for about a week and stuff keeps happening to make me remember. Yesterday, it was that app which informed that 4 years ago, I was extremely happy to become a godmother and over the moon for Nhandi becoming a mommy. And the floodgates opened. The past week has been full of ‘signs’ of Nhandi and obviously G’s birthday yesterday was the culmination of it all.

Also, there’s a little bit of envy streaking through my mind. Not jealousy – it’s something not as disgusting as pure green eyes monsters. It’s knowing that a year ago (give or take a few days) I was preparing for her memorial – and in the process having an emotional and laughter/tear fulled day/night with my Lani-Mom, my Mouse, my LBW. They are doing all that again this year and I wish with all my heart I was there.

And that takes me back to the day I drove Cape Town all by myself. From Melkbos to Constantia Village.  All. On. My. Own. Having never been a driver in Cape Town, I was rather nervous to say the very least. I was armed with a sat nav – I’m of the belief that a half-jack of vodka should have come along too. The Sat Nav said it would take 2 hours, so I gave myself 3. I wasn’t particularly bothered about the high ways – but I had this stubbornness in my head that if I got the southern suburbs wrong, I’d be a failure, I could no longer call myself Capetonian.

Left Melkbos and soon enough I was speeding along quite nicely, having a sing along. And then I took a wrong turn, not 20 minutes into the journey, and ended up in Brooklyn. Up went the windows, I was determined not to make eye contact with anything and I had to delve deep into my internal aggression. Because, no matter how laid back Capetonians tell you they are… this is not remotely in their remit when it comes to driving. So I jostled for lane ownership along with all the taxi’s and sharrabangs. I’d like to think I won. And then I was on the N2 and this is where my internal navigation (I.N) kicked in and I have to say, she’s a pushy little creature but so clever, so good.

The Sat Nav lady was insistent I needed to go onwards to Muizenburg. I’m sure she thought she knew what she was doing. My internal creature thought this was a shit way to go. I saw an off ramp to Keurboom Road – AHA! I thought (actually I.N did) THAT’S far better. I got off the N road and promptly realised I was out of my depth, nothing looked vaguely familiar.

And at that point Mrs Sat Nav decided to sulk, lose the satellite and all the things that made her work. There I was – in TONS of traffic (as it was Saturday mid-morning) and not a clue which lane I should be shoving my way into. So I crawled along, dangerously close to tears, all exuberance of being oh so clever slowly slinking away. I sat for a good 5 minutes (seemed like years) when I looked to my left and blow me down, if it wasn’t the church my great granny used to go just smiling at me saying ‘you’re okay, you’ll find your way’. It wasn’t a spiritual thing, it was just a ‘you know where you are’ thing. And it was right, I knew EXACTLY where I was. I was in my area, my suburb that I roamed for a good ten years, I knew all the little roads, the short cuts, the ways to LBW.  The Sat-Nav attempted to click into gear at that point and I kept her jabbering on for a while, getting my kicks out of telling her how wrong she was. It was the Military Hill bit that made me laugh in the most in a smug and gleeful kind of way. She said to go right, and that I was 30 minutes from LBW’s house…. But I knew, oh yes I did, that if I veered left, it would take me 7 minutes max. And I chuckled. I was also right.

That drive gave me the confidence to be the Capetonian I always suspected I was. That drive was so much more than a drive. It was me being an adult in the city I was born in. It was me being able, in days after, to take CG on a tour of my childhood, of my haunts and to be able to fix any kind of detours we made. General rule of thumb – head toward the mountains.

And I do wish I was back. Maybe that’s just my emotional state of mind but I would love to be able to sink my toes in the sand of Clovelly/Camps Bay/Melkbos, I’d love to be able to gaze at the mountain (from all angles especially the Southern Suburbs side), I’d love to be able to visit with a few of my favourite people and sit there with some wine and plenty laughs (some tears too probably). I don’t see myself in a living capacity, only a visiting one. But I’d love to recreate that trip with CG. I’d love to show off my city to the bear.

After writing this epic and probably long-winded blog, I can say that I love driving in Cape Town and that’s one thing I never ever thought I would write. I can also say that I can picture all the girls around LBW’s table by the swimming pool and know that a little bit of me was left behind.

** it’s quite amazing that typing all that, all those memories, has made me feel somewhat sated and at peace. I should write more. I must write more.