N

Dearest Darling N,
I am so sorry.
I am sorry that so much insensitivity surrounds your passing.
I'm sorry that our mourning gets put to one side while I'm filled with anger.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be more of a friend and tell you to go, to leave, to come to me more insistently than I did.
I'm sorry I didn't reassure you more that you would be okay.
I'm sorry I lied and said everything would be okay. Because it wasn't and continues not to be.
I'm sorry you had to think you were happy when you weren't.
I'm sorry that your memory has not been respected by the person you gave your respect to.
And I'm sorry that a mere 4 months after your passing, we are once again stunned into silence by the insensitivity of all this.
My darling darling girl, I'm just so sorry.
My heart breaks at every slightest memory of you and I cannot fathom how anyone in this world could take your place. Those shoes (although a teeny size) were so big to fill and I don't believe they ever can be. I don't believe anyone will come close to what you mean to me, to your parents, to your friends, to your children.
4 months, that is all. And I still cry daily, my heart catches in my throat at the thought of you not being here. I shake and I cry and totally drama queen the hell out of my nerves. To replace who you were is never going to be in my life time.
So my angel, my sweet, my 1313 - I'm sorry for how you have not been remembered by those who you loved and made a future with, but I'm not sorry for the ways I will remember you and the ways I shall continue to love and cherish you. I'm not sorry for the way I will live my future - which will be to honour your memory, and mourn our loss.
I've blogged so much about how special you were (even before 11.11.12) and I shall continue to do so. I hear your laugh in the silly things I do, I hear your advice and the strength you gave me, when I'm faced with a tricky situation. And I think I'll forever get an ache in my heart, that place in my soul where our friendship sat. Replace you - fat chance of that, I'm never going to be 14 again and go through life with new eyes. And I wouldn't want to. Be okay with you not being here? Not in a million years. One day, I know I will not cry every day, one day I know I will not sob uncontrollably in the doctor's office or have a panic attack and be unable to breathe. And that's fine. But one day of not missing you - that's not in my future.
Love you love
A

Clever little me!

So I'm a little enamoured over the fact i can blog by phone. This one is actually by Siri, so I feel incredibly high-tech and modern tonight. And actually I don't really have a lot to say other, than I'm doing this via the phone and sitting on the beach and it's cold. Blah blah blah. that's what it's all about! And Siri can't do punctuation Unless you tell it how to. I'm wondering if I should post this, it's a load load of rubbish. maybe i should wait until I have something else to say. I think I will post it purely because, it will be my first blog via phone and ViaVoice, and therefore it should be noted. Over and out

Teapot

I'm not known as a tea lover. Yet the picture is of my teapot and I bloody love it!
I've been taking a 'spot of tea' most days now but not your average tea. Ugh no, that stuff makes me gag.
So here I sit, with my rooibos and a few slices of lemon, some drops of honey and my gorgeous teapot.
Enjoying

11 March

11 of March... of MARCH!! Hello! Spring hares and March winds and cherry blossoms on the trees - and it's flipping snowing! Ridiculous and totally uncalled for.

Today my weather app decided to send me a text saying "ALERT: It's freezing". It wasn't kidding. I would have preferred the text at a reasonable hour but I figure news like that is worth sharing no matter the time. *wry grin*

I wish, nay, I demand that this snow goes somewhere else... like Africa - just not when I'm there thank you. Or maybe somewhere it belongs like Iceland! or Scotland. I don't care where, just that it buggers off from my corner of the Earth.

It feels like we've had a whole year of Winter or of cold temps. I long for a bit of sunshine on my back.  A cool sea breeze whistling through my hair as I bask (yes, just like a fat seal) on a rock (or a bench - I'm not fussy).

I don't want to have to dig out my shorts but it would be kind of cool to see my legs out in daylight.

But no, we have snow in March. Pah. Not impressed.

Lessons in the playground

I'm a year older now, and presumably a little wiser? One hopes.

Anyway, a person said something to me today "Best friends are the sisters you get to choose". How very very true and I've been lucky to have some amazing 'sisters' in my life. Now of late, this blog has been about my Nhands, the sister I truly didn't have growing up. But tonight, I can only compare the 'sisters' I've had in my life and how differently they are.

The first lesson of the girl playground is "boys come and go but friends are forever". Recently, this week, it seems that someone I considered a closer than close friend, did not get that memo. I have been accused of sending something I didn't. No matter that through thick and thin, I've been there 100%, I have not been given a platform, I've not been believed, I've not been given anything - not even a birthday wish and quite frankly - that stings beyond compare.

To know that the last 4 months have been so tragically horrible for me. I have been absolutely grief-stricken (and still am). To know that I've had to deal with things that I never really wanted to and to treat me like this on my birthday, well, I just have no words.

What it does, is call into question what exactly this friend thought of me. That I would 'take her man'? Well frankly, no, not with a ten foot barge pole attached to another 100 foot barge pole and then again. I would have never and have never done that to a friend. That's the second lesson in the playground. I do appreciate there are girls who do this.... but I'm not one of them.

Also, was our friendship worth so little that I would lie? No I just wouldn't. This is the girl, to whom I've bared so much of my soul to. Who I admire for keeping it together, when anyone would have fallen apart. Who, I would and have trusted my child to.

So it comes as a blow to realise, my friendship didn't mean that much in the scheme of things. That I've been all too easy to throw away.

In the past, I would have extended an olive branch, I would have asked if there was anything I could do to fix a wrong - but in this case, the wrong was not committed by me. And I cannot apologise for something I have not done. The third person in all this should... for a lot of wrongs that I've been quiet about (because the messenger always gets shot). In the past, I would have done a lot of things. But today, today I feel like if all these years of friendship have counted for nothing then what can I do? Nothing it seems.

So again, I remain sad. I'm sad because I invested in a friendship that I thought was reciprocated but doesn't appear to be. I'm sad because I valued her intensely and I know I miss her. I'm sad because it seems I meant nothing. And I'm sad because I've lost another friend who I loved like a sister.