Lessons in the playground

I'm a year older now, and presumably a little wiser? One hopes.

Anyway, a person said something to me today "Best friends are the sisters you get to choose". How very very true and I've been lucky to have some amazing 'sisters' in my life. Now of late, this blog has been about my Nhands, the sister I truly didn't have growing up. But tonight, I can only compare the 'sisters' I've had in my life and how differently they are.

The first lesson of the girl playground is "boys come and go but friends are forever". Recently, this week, it seems that someone I considered a closer than close friend, did not get that memo. I have been accused of sending something I didn't. No matter that through thick and thin, I've been there 100%, I have not been given a platform, I've not been believed, I've not been given anything - not even a birthday wish and quite frankly - that stings beyond compare.

To know that the last 4 months have been so tragically horrible for me. I have been absolutely grief-stricken (and still am). To know that I've had to deal with things that I never really wanted to and to treat me like this on my birthday, well, I just have no words.

What it does, is call into question what exactly this friend thought of me. That I would 'take her man'? Well frankly, no, not with a ten foot barge pole attached to another 100 foot barge pole and then again. I would have never and have never done that to a friend. That's the second lesson in the playground. I do appreciate there are girls who do this.... but I'm not one of them.

Also, was our friendship worth so little that I would lie? No I just wouldn't. This is the girl, to whom I've bared so much of my soul to. Who I admire for keeping it together, when anyone would have fallen apart. Who, I would and have trusted my child to.

So it comes as a blow to realise, my friendship didn't mean that much in the scheme of things. That I've been all too easy to throw away.

In the past, I would have extended an olive branch, I would have asked if there was anything I could do to fix a wrong - but in this case, the wrong was not committed by me. And I cannot apologise for something I have not done. The third person in all this should... for a lot of wrongs that I've been quiet about (because the messenger always gets shot). In the past, I would have done a lot of things. But today, today I feel like if all these years of friendship have counted for nothing then what can I do? Nothing it seems.

So again, I remain sad. I'm sad because I invested in a friendship that I thought was reciprocated but doesn't appear to be. I'm sad because I valued her intensely and I know I miss her. I'm sad because it seems I meant nothing. And I'm sad because I've lost another friend who I loved like a sister.