N

Dearest Darling N,
I am so sorry.
I am sorry that so much insensitivity surrounds your passing.
I'm sorry that our mourning gets put to one side while I'm filled with anger.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be more of a friend and tell you to go, to leave, to come to me more insistently than I did.
I'm sorry I didn't reassure you more that you would be okay.
I'm sorry I lied and said everything would be okay. Because it wasn't and continues not to be.
I'm sorry you had to think you were happy when you weren't.
I'm sorry that your memory has not been respected by the person you gave your respect to.
And I'm sorry that a mere 4 months after your passing, we are once again stunned into silence by the insensitivity of all this.
My darling darling girl, I'm just so sorry.
My heart breaks at every slightest memory of you and I cannot fathom how anyone in this world could take your place. Those shoes (although a teeny size) were so big to fill and I don't believe they ever can be. I don't believe anyone will come close to what you mean to me, to your parents, to your friends, to your children.
4 months, that is all. And I still cry daily, my heart catches in my throat at the thought of you not being here. I shake and I cry and totally drama queen the hell out of my nerves. To replace who you were is never going to be in my life time.
So my angel, my sweet, my 1313 - I'm sorry for how you have not been remembered by those who you loved and made a future with, but I'm not sorry for the ways I will remember you and the ways I shall continue to love and cherish you. I'm not sorry for the way I will live my future - which will be to honour your memory, and mourn our loss.
I've blogged so much about how special you were (even before 11.11.12) and I shall continue to do so. I hear your laugh in the silly things I do, I hear your advice and the strength you gave me, when I'm faced with a tricky situation. And I think I'll forever get an ache in my heart, that place in my soul where our friendship sat. Replace you - fat chance of that, I'm never going to be 14 again and go through life with new eyes. And I wouldn't want to. Be okay with you not being here? Not in a million years. One day, I know I will not cry every day, one day I know I will not sob uncontrollably in the doctor's office or have a panic attack and be unable to breathe. And that's fine. But one day of not missing you - that's not in my future.
Love you love
A