Beyond awesome. That's all I can say about my first proper festival. The weather was sublime, the company excellent, the vibe just incredible and the music epic. I couldn't have imagined it better AND I didn't need my wellies. 

So now we are on our way home, burnt, bone weary and dying for a long soak in the bubbles. I've walked for miles and miles and yet it's only my feet which ache. 

So best band? I just can't choose. Passenger for being so humble and just really chuffed to be there. He blew me away with enthusiasm. Gaslight Anthem were all I expected from a rock band and had such a good vibe and humour! Not sure iq

Home Heart Happy

Life is not about regrets, but I think we all have one and PE is mine. 

I know now that Connor is African through and though and he is happy and content here. I know that holidays are different to real life but I think that's when you go somewhere new. SA does not count in that respect. This is my home. This is my son's home. 

It smells like it should

And I sit here in the sun and the sounds are different. I'm definitely in Africa. The birds sound different, the wind goes through the trees that bit differently. The smells are not the same as in England. And I'm happy. A different kind of happy to the uk.  Like I'm being me, I talk like me, I laugh like me. I know how to just be. As does my CG. He's done me proud. (As always it does have to be said)

Listening to w&s's parrot talk in a SA accent, so funny. Listening to my own voice talk in a SA accent, no stupid half accent like normal. Hoping I can be like the parrot and retain the chatter. 

And now it's the day of our big twenty year reunion and I'm finished, I'm "hundreds". I'm here. And the countdown is over and tomorrow I might be sad. But today/tonight I party with my old school friends and we remember what it was like to be 18 again. 

Is it home?

So we're in Cape Town and its like I've never left. I knew this would happen, hoped it would happen. Even CG,  who hasn't grown up here, feels like its home. The weather might be a bit yucky but it's not that bad. The people are amazing and smiley. The shops are full of yummo treats, the scenery is beyond stunning and the smells are the same. I am happy, I am content and I wish as always, I had never left. There was a part of me, the expat part that wanted it to be a bit too much so I could say 'this is not for me' but that's not happened. 

Yes I miss my people, but not anything else. 

oh wow

Today I was reminded that in mere weeks time I shall be in Cape Town and gee, I've been counting the days down since forever - well truth be told since about a year ago when I first told Nhandi. And whoomph there it is - it's finally sinking home that this is where I'm going to be saying goodbye to her. It has hit me so hard that I feel sicky, really nauseous and a little bit hysterical. I can't sob and wail for fear CG and the neighbours rush to my aid. My tummy aches, my body aches and I just know I can't do it, I'm not ready to do this. I'm so conscious that everyone else got to go to her funeral and physically have a service, see the coffin etc - that's a very final thing to witness. And I'm not saying at all that they've said their goodbyes, made their peace with her passing because I'm very aware it all just seems so unreal and surreal to so many of us. But what I am saying is that I've managed to be an ostrich for a lot of the time. My pictures remind me of Nhandi, things I do, and stuff but I'm not THERE in SA, in Cape Town, I have no memories of Nhandi in England so I've been able to push it to one side until it can't be pushed, have a wail and an hysteric and then push it away again (okay this happens most days but I think I've done the best I can).
I just don't think I can do this though, be with all our friends, all our family and accept that she's not coming too. I don't want to either. *cue a stamp of a foot*
Also I don't really want to embarrass anyone either, and I fear that I will. I know I'm going to chunk, to cry really loudly, look really ugly, collapse a bit maybe. And I'm not sure Kleenex has cut enough trees to make the tissues we will all need.
So I'm crying a lot today. I'm missing my girl a lot today.
8 months without her in my life... it's not getting easier to understand.

There's a song by Passenger at the moment - excellent to see live... so humble, so gracious, so bloody brilliant - anyway there's his big song 'Let her go'. And I know it's a love song but songs mean what you want them to mean right? I listen to it and on a day like a bad day like today: it reminds me of my girl, my Nhands, my best friend. And I guess - August is when I'll be letting her go. And then it hits me again today, like a freight train going full speed and hitting me, that's she's really gone and the hysterics come. I want to kick something really hard for taking her from me, her mom, dad, her babies. It's just not bloody fair! It's not right. I want her to know that I'm doing stuff... I want her to tell me how funny I sound. I want to hear her go "Oh Ali, I love you, you noo noo". I want to see her and hug her. And I want to stop crying. And I don't want it to be true. It hits me that August is going to be when I realise it is true and she's not coming back. I think I'm in denial at the moment. I've been talking non stop about her since November but not to anyone that knew her - until this last weekend when I did with Teves - and then it became a bit more real that she's gone from our lives. 

My LaniMom wrote on a page today and I answered with this: 
I remember Nhandi's smile, that eyebrow that lifted. How she would give anyone the time of day, but if you hurt the ones she loved, you got the death stare. I remember every time we said goodbye, we'd be hysterical. Or "snot 'n trane" as she used to say. I remember how we used to stand in front of a mirror and twirl our hair together so that it was two-tone (hers that blue black, mine the strawberry blonde). I remember us singing and harmonising to Iko Iko and then playing it for anyone who would listen. I remember someone telling us we were too close and we took it as a compliment (which it wasn't). I remember her laugh, that one that came from the belly and then the snort after. I remember her phoning me to say "Ali, you're going to be an Aunty" when she was pregnant with G and then again with A. Oh I miss her every single day. Life just isn't the same as it was



Passenger - Let her go



Well you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
And you let her go 

Staring at the bottom of your glass 
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last 
But dreams come slow and they go so fast 
You see her when you close your eyes 
Maybe one day you'll understand why 
Everything you touch surely dies 

But you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go 

Staring at the ceiling in the dark 
Same old empty feeling in your heart 
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast 
Well you see her when you fall asleep 
But never to touch and never to keep 
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep 

Well you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
And you let her go 
Oh oh oh no 
And you let her go 
Oh oh oh no 
Well you let her go 

Happiness is.... Unhappiness is...

When life is pretty damn wonderful - you can't help but smile. So this weekend I'm off to a festival, armed to the teeth with loo roll and wet wipes and about a million vest tops I won't wear. I'm also off to SA later in the year. I've got the most amazing family - a son who does me so proud my heart feels like bursting, a pair of parents that are so loving and giving and supportive of all I do, an aunt who is unfortunately too far away but is my absolute confident, and friends who cheer me on from the sidelines. I've got a job that pays my bills and keeps me entertained and my mind ticking. And also that other thing I'm keeping to myself....
I'm feeling blessed. That's it. I'm feeling so blessed. And yet, the one person I'd share this with is no longer here. That's where I realise that although I'm feeling nearly on top of the world, it's the loss of Nhandi that still makes me want to burst into tears at every given chance. I can talk about her without bursting into hysterics but I get that lump in my throat.  It just sucks so much.

How can someone who was such a big part of my life - who was joined to my life, just be gone? It's still so very inconceivable. It's still so bloody awful.

So while I'm grinning like a lunatic, feeling completely happy about the direction my life is taking me - there's a void in it. There's a grief I'm bearing, there's a tear falling down my face.

I did say in an earlier blog that I was going to live my life from here on in, to the best it could be. I was going to embrace everything that came my way, for her and for me. I was going to live for the both of us. I'm doing that. I know she'd be bouncing with happiness over mine. We'd also be counting down the days until Cape Town. We'd be freaking that it was so soon until we had a massive hug. But this weekend, I shall stand while listening to a certain song by a certain band and I shall nod to my angel and thank her for watching over me.

"I forgive, had enough, time to live, time to love"