oh wow

Today I was reminded that in mere weeks time I shall be in Cape Town and gee, I've been counting the days down since forever - well truth be told since about a year ago when I first told Nhandi. And whoomph there it is - it's finally sinking home that this is where I'm going to be saying goodbye to her. It has hit me so hard that I feel sicky, really nauseous and a little bit hysterical. I can't sob and wail for fear CG and the neighbours rush to my aid. My tummy aches, my body aches and I just know I can't do it, I'm not ready to do this. I'm so conscious that everyone else got to go to her funeral and physically have a service, see the coffin etc - that's a very final thing to witness. And I'm not saying at all that they've said their goodbyes, made their peace with her passing because I'm very aware it all just seems so unreal and surreal to so many of us. But what I am saying is that I've managed to be an ostrich for a lot of the time. My pictures remind me of Nhandi, things I do, and stuff but I'm not THERE in SA, in Cape Town, I have no memories of Nhandi in England so I've been able to push it to one side until it can't be pushed, have a wail and an hysteric and then push it away again (okay this happens most days but I think I've done the best I can).
I just don't think I can do this though, be with all our friends, all our family and accept that she's not coming too. I don't want to either. *cue a stamp of a foot*
Also I don't really want to embarrass anyone either, and I fear that I will. I know I'm going to chunk, to cry really loudly, look really ugly, collapse a bit maybe. And I'm not sure Kleenex has cut enough trees to make the tissues we will all need.
So I'm crying a lot today. I'm missing my girl a lot today.
8 months without her in my life... it's not getting easier to understand.