There's a song by Passenger at the moment - excellent to see live... so humble, so gracious, so bloody brilliant - anyway there's his big song 'Let her go'. And I know it's a love song but songs mean what you want them to mean right? I listen to it and on a day like a bad day like today: it reminds me of my girl, my Nhands, my best friend. And I guess - August is when I'll be letting her go. And then it hits me again today, like a freight train going full speed and hitting me, that's she's really gone and the hysterics come. I want to kick something really hard for taking her from me, her mom, dad, her babies. It's just not bloody fair! It's not right. I want her to know that I'm doing stuff... I want her to tell me how funny I sound. I want to hear her go "Oh Ali, I love you, you noo noo". I want to see her and hug her. And I want to stop crying. And I don't want it to be true. It hits me that August is going to be when I realise it is true and she's not coming back. I think I'm in denial at the moment. I've been talking non stop about her since November but not to anyone that knew her - until this last weekend when I did with Teves - and then it became a bit more real that she's gone from our lives. 

My LaniMom wrote on a page today and I answered with this: 
I remember Nhandi's smile, that eyebrow that lifted. How she would give anyone the time of day, but if you hurt the ones she loved, you got the death stare. I remember every time we said goodbye, we'd be hysterical. Or "snot 'n trane" as she used to say. I remember how we used to stand in front of a mirror and twirl our hair together so that it was two-tone (hers that blue black, mine the strawberry blonde). I remember us singing and harmonising to Iko Iko and then playing it for anyone who would listen. I remember someone telling us we were too close and we took it as a compliment (which it wasn't). I remember her laugh, that one that came from the belly and then the snort after. I remember her phoning me to say "Ali, you're going to be an Aunty" when she was pregnant with G and then again with A. Oh I miss her every single day. Life just isn't the same as it was



Passenger - Let her go



Well you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
And you let her go 

Staring at the bottom of your glass 
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last 
But dreams come slow and they go so fast 
You see her when you close your eyes 
Maybe one day you'll understand why 
Everything you touch surely dies 

But you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go 

Staring at the ceiling in the dark 
Same old empty feeling in your heart 
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast 
Well you see her when you fall asleep 
But never to touch and never to keep 
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep 

Well you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
And you let her go 
Oh oh oh no 
And you let her go 
Oh oh oh no 
Well you let her go