Happiness is.... Unhappiness is...

When life is pretty damn wonderful - you can't help but smile. So this weekend I'm off to a festival, armed to the teeth with loo roll and wet wipes and about a million vest tops I won't wear. I'm also off to SA later in the year. I've got the most amazing family - a son who does me so proud my heart feels like bursting, a pair of parents that are so loving and giving and supportive of all I do, an aunt who is unfortunately too far away but is my absolute confident, and friends who cheer me on from the sidelines. I've got a job that pays my bills and keeps me entertained and my mind ticking. And also that other thing I'm keeping to myself....
I'm feeling blessed. That's it. I'm feeling so blessed. And yet, the one person I'd share this with is no longer here. That's where I realise that although I'm feeling nearly on top of the world, it's the loss of Nhandi that still makes me want to burst into tears at every given chance. I can talk about her without bursting into hysterics but I get that lump in my throat.  It just sucks so much.

How can someone who was such a big part of my life - who was joined to my life, just be gone? It's still so very inconceivable. It's still so bloody awful.

So while I'm grinning like a lunatic, feeling completely happy about the direction my life is taking me - there's a void in it. There's a grief I'm bearing, there's a tear falling down my face.

I did say in an earlier blog that I was going to live my life from here on in, to the best it could be. I was going to embrace everything that came my way, for her and for me. I was going to live for the both of us. I'm doing that. I know she'd be bouncing with happiness over mine. We'd also be counting down the days until Cape Town. We'd be freaking that it was so soon until we had a massive hug. But this weekend, I shall stand while listening to a certain song by a certain band and I shall nod to my angel and thank her for watching over me.

"I forgive, had enough, time to live, time to love"