Rightio

There is actually a lot I want to say. A lot I want to put to paper. A lot I want to vent over. A lot of stuff that I'm being so very childish over. I recognise this and acknowledge it and I'm putting it to one corner. There's a million things zooming around my head and a million things I'm happy for and yet, there's also this burning part of me that wants to kick something so very hard! (this, by the way, is not how I sprained my ankle - I still don't know how I did that)

Nhandi's ashes were laid to rest today. And so I sob. I just feel so bloody damned useless. What would I have done had I lived in Cape Town - a futile exercise as I do not. And there I go, knowing that my actions, my actions in my life, impacted on another. Had I been near her, she would have known she could count on me to be there. She would have known it was okay to be scared, to be able to walk into the unknown. But instead she's not here, to walk with me, she's never going to be again. And the hurt remains. Her life impacted on mine and vice versa. I just can't believe I won't have her for the rest of my life's journey. See, she is still impacting on my life.

I've just deleted a whole blurb thingie on how women shape each other and how I don't think I can bear to lose another.

So on the 19th May, her ashes were laid to rest. Rest now my lovely one. Rest in peace. And I hope we all find the peace you craved and that you now have. But for now, I still want to kick something/someone very hard. Or find a field and scream into it.

Dreaming of stuff and nonsense

Dreams. Are they a window to your brain? If they are, my brain is "insane in the membrane"...to quote a lyric. 

So I have a particulary strange one last night and its bugging me now. The dream dictionary is of no help. Not even in parts. So what is my head telling me? That I'm sad? Mad? Bad? 

I think what I'll do is write is down and see what I can decipher then. Not here, on this page though, just in case you can see into my head. 😉

Hello again

Hi... how're you doing? I've not blogged in a while. Truth be told, I've not put pen to paper either, unless it's for a doodle. I'd like to say it's because I've been ultra busy doing lots of important stuff. But that wouldn't be truthful.  I've been preparing for a new job role which mentally has taken me to places I've not been in many many years. I didn't think or rather, I didn't remember how tough it was on the brain, to sit in a classroom from 9 - 5 and learn something new. And it was. Still no real excuse for my absence.
So why have I been away? Well, I was in danger of putting over all my thoughts of losing my best friend here and I can't frankly do it.... I miss her daily, my heart and soul physically aches with the exertion of missing her. And there's some teenagery stuff I had to sort out in my head regarding my CG. And you know, just everything became such a mission.

Then I realised I missed my blog. This pretty little page of mine has become a part of me. I read past posts and wonder who wrote them... I certainly don't feel like that person. It's quite amazing how a life event changes a person so much. And now it's 100 days (give or take) until my school reunion and I'm absolutely convinced in my head that I'm still EXACTLY the same, but I guess I'm not. In the years since I left SA, I've had some pretty life changing thingies that have happened to me (the first one being leaving SA obv.) Becoming a mother, becoming a single mother, my mom's stroke, other stuff, Nhandi. So how can I possibly be that girl I once was and I think maybe it would be a little sad if I still was, that I hadn't grown at all mentally in 20 years. Thing is, I look back at my diaries and I kind of like that girl. Yes, in my head she was a bit of a cow bag regarding the boy folk (but teenagers should be, it's a law I'm sure) but on a whole.... I was ok. Still, it's a bit nervy when I think of what my school folk will expect and what they will get. I'm quieter now, I know that, I'm also taller (double whoop), and my teeth are no longer squiff - yip, braces didn't work at all, but having a full set of wisdoms coming through, closed that gap!

I'm an idiot, I started this blog with the intention of saying hello and oh look I sprained my ankle and I don't know how.... and yet here is this whole other thing that's on my mind. That makes me amused. A lot.

Not so guilty pleasure

5 months

Today it's been 5 months since my works turned on it's axis. When I vowed to be the best person I could for my girl, for her family. And I have started on that road. I think, I know she would be proud. She finally got me to set foot in a gym, without running from it screaming. I can almost hear her telling me how amazingly proud she is of me. "Awesome my angel" she'd say. She could also say "c'mon my chick. Go harder". I will.
I miss her now as new things happen in my life which I can't tell her about. When you've shared every minutiae of your life with someone for over 24 years, it's exceedingly hard to just stop.
Love you my chick, my angel, my noodle.

N

Dearest Darling N,
I am so sorry.
I am sorry that so much insensitivity surrounds your passing.
I'm sorry that our mourning gets put to one side while I'm filled with anger.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be more of a friend and tell you to go, to leave, to come to me more insistently than I did.
I'm sorry I didn't reassure you more that you would be okay.
I'm sorry I lied and said everything would be okay. Because it wasn't and continues not to be.
I'm sorry you had to think you were happy when you weren't.
I'm sorry that your memory has not been respected by the person you gave your respect to.
And I'm sorry that a mere 4 months after your passing, we are once again stunned into silence by the insensitivity of all this.
My darling darling girl, I'm just so sorry.
My heart breaks at every slightest memory of you and I cannot fathom how anyone in this world could take your place. Those shoes (although a teeny size) were so big to fill and I don't believe they ever can be. I don't believe anyone will come close to what you mean to me, to your parents, to your friends, to your children.
4 months, that is all. And I still cry daily, my heart catches in my throat at the thought of you not being here. I shake and I cry and totally drama queen the hell out of my nerves. To replace who you were is never going to be in my life time.
So my angel, my sweet, my 1313 - I'm sorry for how you have not been remembered by those who you loved and made a future with, but I'm not sorry for the ways I will remember you and the ways I shall continue to love and cherish you. I'm not sorry for the way I will live my future - which will be to honour your memory, and mourn our loss.
I've blogged so much about how special you were (even before 11.11.12) and I shall continue to do so. I hear your laugh in the silly things I do, I hear your advice and the strength you gave me, when I'm faced with a tricky situation. And I think I'll forever get an ache in my heart, that place in my soul where our friendship sat. Replace you - fat chance of that, I'm never going to be 14 again and go through life with new eyes. And I wouldn't want to. Be okay with you not being here? Not in a million years. One day, I know I will not cry every day, one day I know I will not sob uncontrollably in the doctor's office or have a panic attack and be unable to breathe. And that's fine. But one day of not missing you - that's not in my future.
Love you love
A

Clever little me!

So I'm a little enamoured over the fact i can blog by phone. This one is actually by Siri, so I feel incredibly high-tech and modern tonight. And actually I don't really have a lot to say other, than I'm doing this via the phone and sitting on the beach and it's cold. Blah blah blah. that's what it's all about! And Siri can't do punctuation Unless you tell it how to. I'm wondering if I should post this, it's a load load of rubbish. maybe i should wait until I have something else to say. I think I will post it purely because, it will be my first blog via phone and ViaVoice, and therefore it should be noted. Over and out