Rightio

There is actually a lot I want to say. A lot I want to put to paper. A lot I want to vent over. A lot of stuff that I'm being so very childish over. I recognise this and acknowledge it and I'm putting it to one corner. There's a million things zooming around my head and a million things I'm happy for and yet, there's also this burning part of me that wants to kick something so very hard! (this, by the way, is not how I sprained my ankle - I still don't know how I did that)

Nhandi's ashes were laid to rest today. And so I sob. I just feel so bloody damned useless. What would I have done had I lived in Cape Town - a futile exercise as I do not. And there I go, knowing that my actions, my actions in my life, impacted on another. Had I been near her, she would have known she could count on me to be there. She would have known it was okay to be scared, to be able to walk into the unknown. But instead she's not here, to walk with me, she's never going to be again. And the hurt remains. Her life impacted on mine and vice versa. I just can't believe I won't have her for the rest of my life's journey. See, she is still impacting on my life.

I've just deleted a whole blurb thingie on how women shape each other and how I don't think I can bear to lose another.

So on the 19th May, her ashes were laid to rest. Rest now my lovely one. Rest in peace. And I hope we all find the peace you craved and that you now have. But for now, I still want to kick something/someone very hard. Or find a field and scream into it.