Happy birthday!

*in the absence of Nhandi's wall - as she no longer has a Facebook page*

Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear NHANDIIIIII, Happy birthday to youoooooooou! 
♥ you ♥ my darling girl.

this is the first birthday we've not been able to talk since 1988 - I cannot tell you how that breaks me into pieces. There is so much I still need to say to you. Like how every time we had a birthday, we added another tequila to the ever increasing number of birthdays we had missed and planned on the day we'd drink them. There is no way I can drink your share! And how on every birthday, you'd quote Alice in Wonderland (Alison Wonderland lol) to me because you knew I loved it. So in the essence of Alice, here's one for you my angel:

Child of the pure unclouded brow
And dreaming eyes of wonder!
Though time be fleet, and I and thou
Are half a life asunder,
Thy loving smile will surely hail
The love-gift of a fairy-tale.

I have not seen thy sunny face,
Nor heard thy silver laughter;
No thought of me shall find a place
In thy young life's hereafter -
Enough that now thou wilt not fail
To listen to my fairy-tale.

A tale begun in other days,
When summer suns were glowing -
A simple chime, that served to time
The rhythm of our rowing -
Whose echoes live in memory yet,
Though envious years would say 'forget'.

Come, hearken then, ere voice of dread,
With bitter tidings laden,
Shall summon to unwelcome bed
A melancholy maiden!
We are but older children, dear,
Who fret to find our bedtime near.

Without, the frost, the blinding snow,
The storm-wind's moody madness -
Within, the firelight's ruddy glow,
And childhood's nest of gladness.
The magic words shall hold thee fast:
Thou shalt not heed the raving blast.

And though the shadow of a sigh
May tremble through the story,
For 'happy summer days' gone by,
And vanish'd summer glory -
It shall not touch with breath of bale
The pleasance of our fairy-tale.
*Alice in Wonderland - through the Looking Glass*


And it's a happy birthday to my Nana too. And I do hope they are in Heaven or somewhere just as pretty in my head, eating Nana's chocolate cake. Two women who loved me unconditionally and who shaped a part of who I am today, without a doubt. Two women who I loved just as unconditionally back and who I love dearly.

I have lit a candle every day since 11 November, but today I lit a special one for the both of them. 

The world

I know diversity in this world is a good thing - after all it's supposedly what makes the world go around. But I do wish all the evil ones would bugger off to the moon or somewhere.

Is there really a place in this world for those who kill and scar innocent children? Is there really a place in this world for genocide? And on a more personal level, is there really a place in this world for people who consider themselves beyond reproach and hide behind their actions? All the while being so horrible to those who need their love the most and their understanding.

We all grieve, mourn, rejoice and celebrate in different ways. Some of us cry quietly (or loudly) when we think no one is watching. Other smile through their tears. And then there are the few that attack everyone and everyone because they believe their emotions, their loss, their feelings are more important that others.

I lost my best friend a month ago. But I don't believe that I have made anyone feel that their loss and their grief is less than mine, or should be less than mine. I have not said to anyone "Actually she was only an acquaintance so my loss is worse". Crumbs, of course I haven't, because everyone is unique and quite frankly death affects us all differently. That doesn't make me better than anyone but it does make me think I'm more understanding than some people. I feel angry that she's gone, so angry at so many things on so many levels. But I will not make this anger public. I certainly believe that Facebook is definitely not the place for anger or pointing fingers. Facebook is a social place - it doesn't need to be a place where you begin war.

I don't feel anyone has the right to tell others how to feel or act. BUT I do believe that good will out. That the truth will surface. My angel told me a lot of things, a lot of things that I shall keep private and between myself and her as she intended.  Because I knew her, and I know what she wanted out of life. And no one will ever be able to take that away from me. No one will ever be say to me that I wasn't her best friend and that I wasn't there for her. And I must confess, I hate that people are saying 'oh I knew this' and 'I knew that' because I read it and think: actually you didn't know her very well at all if you thought that. And the bitch inside of me rears it's little head and remembers what she said about how those people treated her, and I wonder how they can continue to be so two-faced in her name and her memory.

And I hope I'm in a happy place soon where the anger has dissipated to a dull roar. Because last night in a crowded venue, I felt alone and it was not nice. I stood in a large group, my smile masking my quivering mouth, daring not to blink for fear of the tears that were filling my eyes. It's not who she'd want me to be. I do know that. She'd be hugging me and telling me to dance that little bit more.

Sadness

It has hit me, I'm very sad. I'm not really by nature, I FAR prefer to have lines of wrinkles that come from the smiling and not the frowning. But I'm sad. I'm just full of utter grief.

And I don't know what to do. I mean, what can a person do? Is this something that fades into a distant ache? Do you get so angry, you explode? Or do you alienate everyone in the hope that you never hurt like this again?

This is such a new experience for me and I'm so lucky, I know I am, that it is a new experience. I'm not saying I've not been bereaved before, of course I have. But while I sobbed like a stupid thing for days, I didn't have this emptiness in my heart and soul. I got sad, I got to remember great times and then while I still miss those people, I carried on.

But Nhandi, losing her has just broken me. I just can't shake this feeling that on 11 November 2012, I had half my soul ripped out of me. I feel so empty, so unworthy, such a horrible person, like all my goodness and sparkle and happiness has left me. This is not me. How do I fix it? I want her back so badly. That's not going to happen is it? I'm without her forever.

And I have this feeling, that this is going to shape my life from here on in. I'm always going to be that person that had a best friend from childhood who passed away. By no means unique I'm sure.

I don't want CG to see me like this - so I cry in the car, when I'm alone and driving. This is not healthy nor safe.  I sit in the car park at work and cry alone. I sit in the driveway in my car and sob. What I want is for her to hug me while I cry - like she did when my Nana died (the only time I can relate how awful I'm feeling now). Or someone, someone to give me a hug. My mom did but it's hard with her - she's gets upset so easily and I don't want her to have that burden.

I'm selfish, I know I am. There's so many out there with so little compared to me. There's so many out there who have lost more than I have.

And guilty, I feel guilt for wanting to go to the Christmas party next week and dance my feet into a hangover.

Letting go

I bought a magazine yesterday...which is strange in itself. I used to be a magazine junkie. Would buy at least 6 a month (thinking one was a weekly and then two others) and then all of a sudden about 18 months ago (might be more), I just didn't.

Until yesterday.

Now normally my magazine ritual is flick through the pages, just look at the pictures, put the thing down, go back to it a few days later to read any articles that have got me interested.

Not the magazine I bought yesterday. I have read it cover to cover pretty much (bar 4 pages I skipped - advert based ones).

One article has struck a chord with me. It was about letting go of people or things that you feel might be holding you back, or in other words, preventing you from living your life the way you should.

I have such an article/person in my possession. I know it's/they are something I should let go. And just when I think I have, it rears it's head and I'm not moving in the direction I should be.

So my New Years resolution comes early this year: I made some for the first time for 2012 and was successful in mostly all of them.

My New Years resolution is to myself, to let it go. To break the ties that bind. To release this object and I believe I will feel sadness and relief and a lightness that I have not felt for many years.

Was this article put in my path for a reason? I think it was.

Come Saturday, I could (no no, I WILL) be starting a new chapter. It'll be hard, of this I have no doubt. But if anything, I'm very stubborn and therefore I know I will do this. So Saturday it is. I shall stand in a queue and send things far away and then I shall walk to my car, with a tear in my eye and say farewell and goodbye and I will not say 'see you later', I will not say 'maybe the time or the day will come'. Because I know now, that it absolutely won't. There is no such thing as epic things finding their way and so on. Life is about making choices and my choices, my wishes aren't the same as others.

But first, before Saturday comes, I will take heed of the article I read and I'll imagine a figure of 8 and I'll separate myself from what I am saying goodbye to and I will wish it well, I shall wish it good health and good luck.

And hopefully when my tear has dried, I will no longer mourn for the 'could have beens' and the 'happily ever afters' that are not coming my way.

Memories

Tuning into a bit of Barbara S there.... midnight not a sound on the pavement. No no this will not do!
Memories, they do form us, they do shape us into the person we are today. What we do with those memories to make us into that person is for us to decide.

Some of my memories are flashbacks. To be brutal, a lot of my memories are drunken ones. I seem to remember them in all their technicolour disaster! And I'm thinking mostly these days of memories of Nhandi but then I got to thinking of women who have been a HUGE part of my life (who aren't family) and my first memories of them. You know like when you meet a person on your first day of high school - when fate puts that person in the seat next to you - you don't know that that person is then going to be still in your life 25 years later. That that person was the only person from your SA group of friends who saw you pregnant, felt CG kick your belly, has visited you in England (and vice versa), shared a bit of your adult life. Bought you a bottle of wine in the Pick and Pay in the Waterfront 11 years ago (which by the way is STILL sitting undrunk in your living room - must be pure vinegar by now). How are you as a 12 year old meant to know all that? Well you don't. But I can still picture myself on that first day in std6 freaking out at the 'big' school stuff and seeing her smile at me and be friendly. That was my Mouse.

EBW - slightly different - my first memory of her is in the lobby of the 3 Arts, although we must have spoken previously to have met up there. By the cigarette machine trying to 'out cool' each other. Hmm the money we could have saved by trying not be so 'rop'. Well that makes me chuckle so much. I can picture myself there in my yellow mini with my pink (cerise) sandals and my green tights just trying so damn hard to fit in. Who would have thought 25 years in we'd still be chatting away on the phone.

It would be normal if say, I'd never moved to another city and then to another country.... if I had stayed where I was then that sort of thing is expected, you keep a few people from your past. But I have, we all have - been overseas, or to other towns. Moved on in life, yet we gravitate back. That's epic. No other word.

Him that can't be named said something to me last year.... how amazed he was at the bond we all had. He couldn't believe that I knew so much about their lives while being on the other side of the world.

I like that, I like that although I only have L2 in this little town, and that I sometimes just wish there was someone around who knew me when I was growing, that there is Mouse and EBW who know that I'm slightly spoilt, that I'm who I am, but who quite like knowing me. And who love me.

It will be that Nhandi is always a part of us. It will be that we will always miss her. I just wish I had more memories to make with her.

Reasoning

Oh dear, I'm so very angry - I just wish this anger would fly away. But vent I shall. 

So off to the Facebook place and there's  a post on N's husband's wall where some woman says she believes that this happened for a reason. And it's taken ALL my willpower and strength NOT to comment. So I thought I'd comment here because what I want to say is this: 

I'm sorry to the above person, I'm sure you mean well but seriously - everything happened for a reason? there's a REASON Nhandi is no longer with us? There's a REASON she's no longer able to be mother to two beautiful children? Husband to a man she loved and a daughter to grieving parents? There's a REASON she's no longer being my best friend? I'd LOVE, just LOVE for you to tell me what this reason is.and maybe then we can all sigh and go 'lovely, there's a reason, that's okay then" 

Obviously I will not comment on that status and air my views because I'm fully aware of what will happen. This poor woman will feel absolutely AWFUL that she's hurt someone's feelings and I'll be made to look like the deranged fool. 

Honestly, though, who the hell says a tragedy like this, happened for a reason? What particular reason could there be? What on this earth could possibly be more important than Nhandi's life?

And I'm perfectly aware that I'm being very irrational and totally not myself at all. That this poor woman who's pissed me off is probably just trying to give words of comfort. But honestly, I can't bear to read any more on facebook. So I won't.

In other news - the kindness of people HAS amazed me. It's something our Mouse said last night "Nhandi ALWAYS saw the good in people, that was her thing" and she did (I've blogged on that before), she always wanted to believe in the idiots of this world. And then was so hurt when they betrayed her trust. However, if her being gone has shown one thing....she was right to have that belief because people are repaying her goodness back. I just wish she could have known how much she was loved. I'm kicking myself I didn't phone, wasn't more assertive, wasn't so concerned with upsetting or intruding with her husband. I shall have that regret for the rest of my life. Why couldn't I pick up the phone? Why did I settle for a stupid flipping text? 

And here come the tears again... which sucks a bit because the anger is a new emotion I'm not wholly used to and appears to be easier to control.

Today I saw

Today I saw a sunbeam (rare occurrence in England) peek through a miserable looking cloud and it seemed to wink at me. Is that me projecting my grief, to make me think it's a little sign from my N to tell me to stop my crying? Or is it really a bit of her? I don't know, but it gave me a little comfort to think it was her way of saying "get on with it now Ali". It does help to believe that.

I go through our text chats, our skype chats and the reoccurring thing she kept telling me to do was 'write, make a story, be a book, write woman write'. And if her passing (I still can't say the word that starts with 'd') makes me get off my slightly squidgy arse and write my heart out, weave my words into a story, ply my pen into something others can read, then I will have done her proud. I know that.

And what better story would there be, that starts 24 years ago in a pool bar in Muizenberg, that tells of an epic bond between a bunch of girls, that shows that friendship CAN be built and sustained during teenage years, transcend over adult years and mark who we are? That no matter the time zone, the distance between us, the not living in the same hemisphere, no matter all those things: a bond is made and a bond is unbreakable.

And I think we gain adult friends who are so close to us. I always think of L2 and how lost I would be without her.

I'll be honest and say that although I had a lot of friends who were girls, I only ever had a handful that I was super uber close to. And only ever one or two at a time. And now that I'm of an age, I have L2, she is my coffee break, my confident, my best friend in adult years. An intense amount of pressure for her but after these last 3 weeks, I know without a doubt, she is a rock and I'm in absolute awe of her strength and courage.