Sadness

It has hit me, I'm very sad. I'm not really by nature, I FAR prefer to have lines of wrinkles that come from the smiling and not the frowning. But I'm sad. I'm just full of utter grief.

And I don't know what to do. I mean, what can a person do? Is this something that fades into a distant ache? Do you get so angry, you explode? Or do you alienate everyone in the hope that you never hurt like this again?

This is such a new experience for me and I'm so lucky, I know I am, that it is a new experience. I'm not saying I've not been bereaved before, of course I have. But while I sobbed like a stupid thing for days, I didn't have this emptiness in my heart and soul. I got sad, I got to remember great times and then while I still miss those people, I carried on.

But Nhandi, losing her has just broken me. I just can't shake this feeling that on 11 November 2012, I had half my soul ripped out of me. I feel so empty, so unworthy, such a horrible person, like all my goodness and sparkle and happiness has left me. This is not me. How do I fix it? I want her back so badly. That's not going to happen is it? I'm without her forever.

And I have this feeling, that this is going to shape my life from here on in. I'm always going to be that person that had a best friend from childhood who passed away. By no means unique I'm sure.

I don't want CG to see me like this - so I cry in the car, when I'm alone and driving. This is not healthy nor safe.  I sit in the car park at work and cry alone. I sit in the driveway in my car and sob. What I want is for her to hug me while I cry - like she did when my Nana died (the only time I can relate how awful I'm feeling now). Or someone, someone to give me a hug. My mom did but it's hard with her - she's gets upset so easily and I don't want her to have that burden.

I'm selfish, I know I am. There's so many out there with so little compared to me. There's so many out there who have lost more than I have.

And guilty, I feel guilt for wanting to go to the Christmas party next week and dance my feet into a hangover.