Hello again

Hi... how're you doing? I've not blogged in a while. Truth be told, I've not put pen to paper either, unless it's for a doodle. I'd like to say it's because I've been ultra busy doing lots of important stuff. But that wouldn't be truthful.  I've been preparing for a new job role which mentally has taken me to places I've not been in many many years. I didn't think or rather, I didn't remember how tough it was on the brain, to sit in a classroom from 9 - 5 and learn something new. And it was. Still no real excuse for my absence.
So why have I been away? Well, I was in danger of putting over all my thoughts of losing my best friend here and I can't frankly do it.... I miss her daily, my heart and soul physically aches with the exertion of missing her. And there's some teenagery stuff I had to sort out in my head regarding my CG. And you know, just everything became such a mission.

Then I realised I missed my blog. This pretty little page of mine has become a part of me. I read past posts and wonder who wrote them... I certainly don't feel like that person. It's quite amazing how a life event changes a person so much. And now it's 100 days (give or take) until my school reunion and I'm absolutely convinced in my head that I'm still EXACTLY the same, but I guess I'm not. In the years since I left SA, I've had some pretty life changing thingies that have happened to me (the first one being leaving SA obv.) Becoming a mother, becoming a single mother, my mom's stroke, other stuff, Nhandi. So how can I possibly be that girl I once was and I think maybe it would be a little sad if I still was, that I hadn't grown at all mentally in 20 years. Thing is, I look back at my diaries and I kind of like that girl. Yes, in my head she was a bit of a cow bag regarding the boy folk (but teenagers should be, it's a law I'm sure) but on a whole.... I was ok. Still, it's a bit nervy when I think of what my school folk will expect and what they will get. I'm quieter now, I know that, I'm also taller (double whoop), and my teeth are no longer squiff - yip, braces didn't work at all, but having a full set of wisdoms coming through, closed that gap!

I'm an idiot, I started this blog with the intention of saying hello and oh look I sprained my ankle and I don't know how.... and yet here is this whole other thing that's on my mind. That makes me amused. A lot.

Not so guilty pleasure

5 months

Today it's been 5 months since my works turned on it's axis. When I vowed to be the best person I could for my girl, for her family. And I have started on that road. I think, I know she would be proud. She finally got me to set foot in a gym, without running from it screaming. I can almost hear her telling me how amazingly proud she is of me. "Awesome my angel" she'd say. She could also say "c'mon my chick. Go harder". I will.
I miss her now as new things happen in my life which I can't tell her about. When you've shared every minutiae of your life with someone for over 24 years, it's exceedingly hard to just stop.
Love you my chick, my angel, my noodle.

N

Dearest Darling N,
I am so sorry.
I am sorry that so much insensitivity surrounds your passing.
I'm sorry that our mourning gets put to one side while I'm filled with anger.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be more of a friend and tell you to go, to leave, to come to me more insistently than I did.
I'm sorry I didn't reassure you more that you would be okay.
I'm sorry I lied and said everything would be okay. Because it wasn't and continues not to be.
I'm sorry you had to think you were happy when you weren't.
I'm sorry that your memory has not been respected by the person you gave your respect to.
And I'm sorry that a mere 4 months after your passing, we are once again stunned into silence by the insensitivity of all this.
My darling darling girl, I'm just so sorry.
My heart breaks at every slightest memory of you and I cannot fathom how anyone in this world could take your place. Those shoes (although a teeny size) were so big to fill and I don't believe they ever can be. I don't believe anyone will come close to what you mean to me, to your parents, to your friends, to your children.
4 months, that is all. And I still cry daily, my heart catches in my throat at the thought of you not being here. I shake and I cry and totally drama queen the hell out of my nerves. To replace who you were is never going to be in my life time.
So my angel, my sweet, my 1313 - I'm sorry for how you have not been remembered by those who you loved and made a future with, but I'm not sorry for the ways I will remember you and the ways I shall continue to love and cherish you. I'm not sorry for the way I will live my future - which will be to honour your memory, and mourn our loss.
I've blogged so much about how special you were (even before 11.11.12) and I shall continue to do so. I hear your laugh in the silly things I do, I hear your advice and the strength you gave me, when I'm faced with a tricky situation. And I think I'll forever get an ache in my heart, that place in my soul where our friendship sat. Replace you - fat chance of that, I'm never going to be 14 again and go through life with new eyes. And I wouldn't want to. Be okay with you not being here? Not in a million years. One day, I know I will not cry every day, one day I know I will not sob uncontrollably in the doctor's office or have a panic attack and be unable to breathe. And that's fine. But one day of not missing you - that's not in my future.
Love you love
A

Clever little me!

So I'm a little enamoured over the fact i can blog by phone. This one is actually by Siri, so I feel incredibly high-tech and modern tonight. And actually I don't really have a lot to say other, than I'm doing this via the phone and sitting on the beach and it's cold. Blah blah blah. that's what it's all about! And Siri can't do punctuation Unless you tell it how to. I'm wondering if I should post this, it's a load load of rubbish. maybe i should wait until I have something else to say. I think I will post it purely because, it will be my first blog via phone and ViaVoice, and therefore it should be noted. Over and out

Teapot

I'm not known as a tea lover. Yet the picture is of my teapot and I bloody love it!
I've been taking a 'spot of tea' most days now but not your average tea. Ugh no, that stuff makes me gag.
So here I sit, with my rooibos and a few slices of lemon, some drops of honey and my gorgeous teapot.
Enjoying

11 March

11 of March... of MARCH!! Hello! Spring hares and March winds and cherry blossoms on the trees - and it's flipping snowing! Ridiculous and totally uncalled for.

Today my weather app decided to send me a text saying "ALERT: It's freezing". It wasn't kidding. I would have preferred the text at a reasonable hour but I figure news like that is worth sharing no matter the time. *wry grin*

I wish, nay, I demand that this snow goes somewhere else... like Africa - just not when I'm there thank you. Or maybe somewhere it belongs like Iceland! or Scotland. I don't care where, just that it buggers off from my corner of the Earth.

It feels like we've had a whole year of Winter or of cold temps. I long for a bit of sunshine on my back.  A cool sea breeze whistling through my hair as I bask (yes, just like a fat seal) on a rock (or a bench - I'm not fussy).

I don't want to have to dig out my shorts but it would be kind of cool to see my legs out in daylight.

But no, we have snow in March. Pah. Not impressed.