Jan & Feb

First post of 2021. A new year. But not a lot has changed. Work, home repeat. Another lockdown has happened, another bout of shielding. I'm hoping that this year brings a lot of postive things.... i started this on the 12 january but didnt finish, and here we are in february already. I have quite a lot circling the sink that is my brain, but not the inclination to put it down anywhere.

Bestest

 My girl, how you are missed. With every new thing I do....I wish you were here to share the moment. 

This morning, I have played every song that we freaked out to, sung badly to. I’m contemplating watching The Lost Boys this afternoon. :) Today is my day with you. I will cry and I will laugh more.  I shall light a candle. 

I will remember you today, as I do all the time. And I shall be sad. I will also be glad that I had you for 24 years as the sister I chose for me. 

How I wish that wasn’t our last picture together. 

It’s that time again

 It’s that time of year. And it comes around so quickly each year. 

8 years since my best friend died. And I still go to talk to her. To seek out her advice. 

This year is unusual. So much has happened, yet so much hasn’t. I always try to stay quiet(ish) on the 11...it is a day of remembrance after all. And I try to be happy and have a good giggle over our friendship and memories shared. After 8 years, I’ve gotten quite good at laughing not crying. 

I think this year will be different. I’m becoming quite grumpy as the day gets nearer and yet manic in my attempt to not be. 

I’ve shared a picture below - currently moving the house around so much gets discovered (like every letter from that first love). Now, in the memory bank, it was a bloody awesome night. But I totally forgot we took pictures. Until I found them a few weeks back. It was myself, Nhands, Mouse and a 3 year old CG. He was so clingy then. Wouldn’t leave my side. UNTIL he met Nhandi. Like he knew, as kids do, she was good and that she wouldn’t leave my side either. I know he hasn’t got many memories of that time but i do and I love that he loved her. 

So here’s a pic of two young girls, in their pajamas after laughing and eating too much. Just plain happy.

How many days?

I have no idea what lockdown week we're in. Although are we still in lockdown? We're in 'something'. Life is still not wholly back to what it was before. And will it ever be? The new compliment is 'I like your mask' & I have to say it's been fun to see all the wacky ones out there. Dad has a Springbok one which is too darn cool. I have a 30 Seconds to Mars one. It has a cross on it, so I wonder how many people assume I'm off to church of a Sunday. I went into my first shop that wasn't the supermarket last week. I'm not so much a fan of the shops as I used to be. And while that's great for my wallet and cupboards, I feel a little sad that retail isn't that buzz it used to be. Mind you, working from home, means I'm not really needing all the many outfits. That's not to say, I work in my pajamas, because I don't. I just can't. The only thing that's changed from my routine is that instead of going to get the bus, I now sit outside in the back garden (new garden furniture - oh yes, i'm still able to shop!)and have yet another cup of coffee. I really like working from home, the location suits. I've had a bit of ill health going on. And getting to the various appointments has been much easier in comparison to if I was in the office. And it's easier for seeing my parents. It's just easier full stop. We went into the office last week for a meeting. It was so amazing seeing everyone and seeing how the office has adapted. I do really like my colleagues, however I'm pretty sure they are far more productive without me distracting them. Days blur into one though and it's crazy to think it's September already. And this must be the most boring blog I've ever written. :)

Rosebank and beyond

A year ago, I had a fabulous day/night/day. I didn’t know it, but I was quite ill with asthmatic bronchitis....I was feverish, but I thought that was more to do with the occasion. 

I started the day off with plench of the coffee, put myself on a train that went fast and got off the other side. Butterflies circling, but also immense calmness, because I just knew it was going to be such an epic 24 hour adventure. Cheeks high in colour - which I put down to glowing, but was actually a fever! 

There were so many double gins involved that a member of staff instructed that food be ordered. I felt assured in the conversations, confident in my statements, secured by an epic love that I have, that I’ll always have. There were no doubts, zero crap and minimal awkwardness. 

I got answers to so many questions that had been bubbling around my brain for most of my life. I was in the moment and that moment felt so damn good, so damn right. I cried like a loon and laughed until I ached. I had uncontrollable giggles and gained so much peace. I remember it all. 

And this week, should have been a continuation, another piece of the story.....a chapter to be written if you will. Tomorrow would have been epic. But that’s all for another day, in another year. 

And, I am not saddened by that....I mean I am pissed that I don’t get to finally see The Pixies and Pearl Jam in Hyde Park....but I will I’m sure/I hope. But I’m not morose. Because I got what I wanted, when I wanted it. I got the understanding.

We are souls that give everything in the moment, we have a divine and unique sense of each other (I’m not calling it anything else). I understand, in part because of that night, and that’s all that counts. 

I get it. Thank you. 

Aunty Rosie......if you know, you know. 

Day 109

How very calm I feel. It’s no secret, my emotions have been like the tides....in and out, up and down. 

I feel it’s all been to get me to this point of calmness....to this chilled place. 

I had my last fit of pique on Friday. Classic case of not getting what I want. And in my opinion, completely justified. Moments like that, cause me to stop, to analyse and re-evaluate and think about what I really want. And how to get it. Moments like that are good in that respect. Also, being able to say “sorry for my rant”. 

Back to my calm: I feel very sure on my way forward. There’s light. I’m happy exactly how I’m living. I’m fortunate to have so much at this time when so many in the world have very little.  I know this. 

I’m also fortunate not to be compromising any part of my life anymore. I’m not keeping the peace for an easier life. To excuse shitty behaviour because I want them to feel better about themselves. To not have that knot of anxiety because I’m afraid to upset someone, because they’ve done wrong to me. That bit of ‘walkover me’ is gone. I mean, where did she come from? I wasn’t taught that kind of behaviour. I was taught to be awesome and strong and not let anyone treat me less. So that part had to go....it has no part of me. 

And I feel better for it. I feel once again, like I should. Like I fit my skin. I’m calm, I’m honest and I’m ready to take it on. 

I’m back. 

Breathe. 

https://youtu.be/xyH0eq57E8c

Couple of things

Today is day 100 of my lockdown. And I have quite a bit to show for it I think. I have added knowledge. I have had time to think, to reflect, to plan and to write. I've made a couple of new friends - which is bizarre since I haven't been out. I have been able to work from home, when I never thought that would be a possibility.

Most importantly, I've been able to face some facts, expand on my knowledge, and have the time to process all these new revelations. I have come to acknowledge how different men and women truly are.

I'm convinced I've put on weight, even though the scales tell me different. I'm rested - no longer do I have bags under my eyes from running here there and everywhere.

I knew a long time ago, that I am a fixer. I take on a person, do the maximum I can to help them on their journey and then they move on to what they want. I've finally come to terms with it. I've had the time to come to terms with it. It's not a bad thing. People get happy.

I've danced, oh how I've danced. Making my body remember moves I never thought I'd be able to do again, I'm truly a flexible being - body and soul wise. I've opened myself up to music I didn't think I'd like - I don't mind owning up to that - Falling by that Harry Styles is just beautiful (and poignant to how I feel right now).

And I've had the courage to deactivate certain parts of social media and what a relief that is. I like having information, but some of it just makes my heart sore so it's better for me that I don't have that poking around right now.

2020 might well be a write off as far as events and stuff happening goes...but in my brain, 2020 is all about me and my worth and self care. It's been all about how I can act on the lessons I learnt when I went away in 2018 & 2019, it's been about my future plans and where I want to go.

I desperately wish that in 13 days I was off to Hyde Park but that wasn't in my destiny right now. Maybe it never will be. Maybe we won't jump up and down to 'Alive' together but that's okay.

I believe there is more to write, more chapters to have. But the book is being closed for now.

My 100 days - I've done more than alright.