Time after time

The thing is, and it's a theory I've had for a while, people with too much time on their hands, over think things too much. 

It's people who don't work who make dramas over hardly anything. Or something that could be swiftly sorted out. If you have minimal time, you sort things out smartly. 

I've had too much time, over the last few days, to over analyse and think. I've had too much time on my hands and as a result my coffee intake has hit the roof. Therefore I've not slept and I'm not hungry. Caffeine being the appetite depressant that it is. And thus too much stuff. Circles. 

I've caught up on my sleep now, the coffee has left the building. Might sound too simplistic but I like this analogy, this theory. It works for me. And now, no more dramatics. It's exhausting. And I like my sleep. Preferably with fur. It's a law. 

Cawfee cups and dreaming

3.30 am. 

This is the result of 9 cups of coffee. Wide awake, wired and shaky. Alone with my thoughts. Fitful dreams of running. Not from anything, which is good to note. But saving someone. That's also good to note. 

Saw a double rainbow today. A full one. Saw the complete spectrum. It was beautiful. Something very magical about it. Don't read too much into them, being that they are a result of nature, clouds and stuff. But I remember the last rainbow I saw and where I was in my life. So it's poignant to me. 

Could do with another cup of the caffeine. It would make it an even number. 

But I'm not stupid. 

Baggage is never want you think it is

Written on the 16 March 2016. On the last leg of a journey home. 

For the longest time I've given objects a soul. When I was little, it is was my teddy bear. And as I got older, a handbag or two. To cry into, to hug when I'm cold, to use as a pillow on long journeys. 

And now I'm talking to my travel bag. It's shaking, some might say from the motion of the train. Me, I'm thinking it knows it has a bottle of perfume in it, has fallen over twice (so clearly isn't feeling well today) and is concerned if it falls over again with its over stuffed innards, it's all going to smash and smoosh inside. I whisper to it to be strong, I've cajoled it from Liverpool and we're on the last leg. It won't be long until we can both rest. We've done some journeys over the years, it's carried my clothes, my secrets, my passport, my dreams. 

Sent from my iPhone

I wrote a poem

I wrote a poem. No that's wrong. I wrote a piece of prose. Way back when I didn't keep things in. It was about anger and how it attacks the balance. I don't know where it is in the house, else I'd post it. 

My balance is under attack. I want to fight it. Go out in a blaze of thunder. Freak the f*ck out basically. Like I did when I wrote that prose. 

I know I won't. I know I won't kick the living shit out of an inanimate object....I did that when Nhandi died and all it got me was a sore foot and it didn't bring her back. Is that why I no longer fuel the formless beast of anger? Because he's an emotional demon who just makes me sore? 

Anyway. I'm here. I love, I live, I breathe, I hurt. I carry on. 

I like to notice how the writing calms me, I like to appreciate that I can stop actions I wouldn't have before. Oh you've grown little me. Well done. Whoofuckinghoo 

My step Part II

I love my step....I think my third ever blog was about it. 

I'm on it now. How I've missed it during the winter. 

Never mind your daffodils and cherry blossoms....keep them. I know it's spring, when I can sit with my coffee in my step. 

And think. That's where my thoughts are. 

I think there's a Spring in my step! <--- it's a bit early to be so amusing, that's how I roll. 

I think I'll be stepping out with my step a lot this season. 

Two moon junction

"I don't know where I'm going, but I can't wait to get there". That's a quote from a movie that I used to have plastered all over my school bags and diaries. 

I still don't know....but I'm realising that's ok. For me it works not to have a plan. It works to be fluid. 

I've realised, as inspirational meme as it sounds, that the journey is just as important. 

Call it my resolutions for life. My life. 

Keep good people around you. 

Don't let other people's mood affect you or your actions. 

Try not to run over animals (this also includes humans, however tempted) 

Stand up for yourself, and don't waver from it. 

Equally, don't run away from yourself, that 6th sense isn't nonsense. Trust it. 

Take all the chances you have. Want to go to on a 2 hour drive? You do? Go for it. Festivals? Yucky toilets...you'll get over it. 

Not saying you love is almost as important as saying you do. It won't hurt less. 

And life doesn't have to follow what everyone else thinks is the norm. You don't have to do what society says you have to, to be the successful adult. 

So yesh, I don't know where I'm going or indeed if I'm ever going to get there, wherever 'there' might be. But I'm going to smile while I'm on my way, laugh like there really is no tomorrow. Live it a lot. 

I generally wear my heart on my sleeve, except when I don't. I suspect a tortoise comes to mind....when threatened he retreats into his hard little hat of a home. 

1313

I remember dates. If I had a super power that's what it would be. Granted, that wouldn't be a super duper super power. But it's mine and I like it. 

So on the 23 February, every year, I remember it's a special day. 

Lost Boys, bunking Youth Club, ten pm, a train journey, a shared connection....my 1313 special girl. My Nhandi Crystal. Gosh I do miss her. Today I miss getting a text or whatsapp or email marking the day. Other days, I miss everything else. 

1313. Always loved, never forgotten.