Feels

Feels like:

Partying all night 

Eyes like sloths

Legs like drunken teenagers 

Head like a zombie 

Reality is just a few hours of sleep. With awful busy dreams which make me feel like I've been awake. 

I don't think I'll be a grumpy puss all day. True to past sleeplessness, I'll probably overcompensate, mainline coffee and be a little manic. 

So sleepy, so tired and I've only been up 40 minutes. 

I'm me and I'm annoying ;-)

I'm reading a book by Nadine Gordimer. It doesn't matter what it's called. It's like all her books, beautifully written, with characters and words that you feel come alive. 

It's not easy reading, it's not meant to be. And I'm sure that they're not for everyone, her books. 

I used to wonder if I liked her work so much because I was a bit pretentious and I thought it was expected of me. 

But I'm years out of school and I still adore her prose.

The book I'm reading now is set in my mom's time, so I can't pretend to understand or take it as fact. But it rings true of the other stories I've heard. Of the things my mom believes in and the things she wanted to do but maybe couldn't as she was scared. I'm supposing here, putting my thoughts onto this image i have of my mom. I do know she did a freedom march or three, so possibly I'm not far off the mark. 

But back to this book I'm reading. I wish I could be a writer with half the talent Nadine Gordimer had. I believe I have the words in me, I just don't think I have the focus to get them out. The knowledge maybe? 

This is my struggle. My attempts are sometimes intense for a while and then half hearted. 

It's frustrating. it's annoying and it's me. 

Happy places

In my element. Sun beating done on my bones, the sound of the sea, waves cooling my toes. Purrfect. These things make my soul sing a happy tune. 

Perceive me wrong.

Perceptions can be misleading. There's so many sayings to that regard. Don't judge a book by its cover et al blah blah 

I'm guilty of it, for shore most are. And obviously it gets me annoyed when people percieve something of me that I don't think is who I am. 

Just because I look a certain way doesn't mean I am the dumb blonde. Just because I smile a lot doesn't mean I never get pissed off. 

Don't judge. 

Today I believe I was belittled. And when I stood my ground, fought the corner, the bully got louder. I didn't. Who won? 

Today I was undermined. Did I throw my toys? Nope, I merely took it higher. I stated the facts wholly and with no emotion. I was the winner. 

I will accept that I might have been in error (note the might), I might have even taken it on board had it been proved i was. What I will never accept is rudeness and being called out in a rude and aggressive manner. THAT is why I took it further. 

I fully believe she thought I was an easy target, a mug if you will. I think that's what bullies go for. She was wrong. 

My very fake musings

I guess it's hard to believe i can be happy going to a casino and not gamble. But I really am. There are such a variety of people I could be here for hours, just inventing stories for them all. The slot machine players who are just out and out gamblers because there's no strategy involved. The roulette players who think there's a strategy. The back jackers who take it all too seriously and the pokerers who are the most intense of them all. 

There are the lads, in head to foot Top Man. Quickly they are overcome by the loss of money BUT it's never their fault. 

There's the older lady who maybe comes every two weeks (so it's not a habit or an addiction). She only plays roulette on a real table and believes one should dress for a casino like you're off to church. She casts her beady eyes with derision over the girls with their glitter and plastered on make up - forgetting that once it was her in the ten inch platforms and mini skirt (with gut hanging over) shrieking when red hit the table. 

There's the "pit" boss who knows he'll never play a slot machine but is looking longingly at the poker room. He'd wipe the floor if only he was allowed. He has a full tilt account, and lives in fear of discovery. 

More to follow......

Yes I like not gambling at casinos around the country. 

Time away

Reading. 

Nothing to do with books. 

The city. 

It's nice. Very Cardiff like. Chilled, clean and calm. Exactly what I ordered really. Complete with rather quite divine weather and its the break we needed. Added to that: TB starting his world wide domination and thus the future of success and its the winning formula for time away. 

Kind of makes me realise how absolutely adaptable I am. I believe I could go anywhere and be ok. Thrive. 

I have an immense amount of fodder for people watching and writing. I feel relaxed, almost rejuvenated and definitely ready. Ready for what? More of this? Yesh. 

Laugh every day - an order.

I laugh so much at stuff. I wish I could put it all to paper. I've done Mama and the Octopus. I've touched on a story of my Nana - none of us were there but the mental image is enough to crack me up. The times my family tried to drown me (true story and more than once). When Dad told CG Bewl water was Scotland.

Or when I got chucked out of bed because I was being protected, when my nose was pinched in order to save my life! I just say the word Southampton and I'm clutching my tummy, consumed with giggles. When TB does a cat impression.

The time I had a bath with a glitter bomb the day before a routine lady check up (glitter everywhere - mortifying).

I laugh a lot.

The time my dad put a note in a book referencing lobola. When CG confused Schwarzenegger with Swastika.

It's so good for the soul and I'm so very fortunate to have people who surround me with laughter and the ability to have me convulsing with it.

It's important. I should share more.