Summertime and the loving

I love Summer. It's the best season there is. 

Let's set the scene....no shoes, doors wide open, stillness of the heat. Glass of wine in hand and a lone guitar being strummed. Stand by me. It feels purrfect. Because in this moment I am happy. 

Couldn't do that in Winter. Hashtagthezoo 

Be Present in your life

I’m sitting outside/opposite a building that is older than the country I was born in. I’m in awe, I’m humbled by the history, my head will explode if I think of the decades, events that this building has been witness to.

I’ve walked streets trying to find somewhere to park my feet, my mind and satisfy my hunger (on all fronts). And I’ve ended up here. I thought I would. It was probably never in doubt. I spotted it yesterday when we arrived and it looked so inviting. The vibe is spot on. The guy and his guitar, and various people who I can only describe as ‘luvvie’ types. All loud voices and hand gestures. The owner is friendly, welcoming one and all to his establishment. Full of charm. I say to him ‘Your aubergine parmigano is beautiful. Thank you’. He says back to me ‘For a beautiful lady’. I grin, because everyone likes a compliment. But also because it wasn’t said to be smarmy or to gain anything, it was said to be friendly. *and I think this is a blog for later days but one of the areas where men and woman differ, or the reason why I differ to people*

I’m happy here. Don’t get me wrong, I like being home. But I love being away. Everything just works better when I’m away. Everything seems easier. I don’t have to be anything, other than me. I don’t have to think.

The guitar guy is gone, a cd replaces him. This is divine, it’s like the songs were chosen for me right now. Nina Simone, my soundtrack “It’s a new day, it’s a new dawn, and I’m feeling good”.

And it compounds how I’m feeling about this whole year and how it’s ending. Yes, I’m reflective. More than ever. Is it a good thing? Yes, I believe it is. I cannot change the past, nor do I want to. The past makes us work on our future. To ensure we don’t repeat what we didn’t like. To build on what I do like, what and who I love.  The present is for living now. Enjoying the good, making sure you’re doing the best to get the best, to continue to get the good. Eradicating all that is not good for you (Bread – I’m talking to you!).

 

I guess it’s the humdrum of the normal ‘this is adulthood’ that grates on my bones. The endless cycle of mundane shit. Washing, cooking, cleaning. No one ever sold growing up as this. But it’s the acceptance of this, that will set me free. The acceptance that life cannot be full of excitement, and thrill every second of the day. That when we are restless, if everything overwhelms…. Then be honest.

H-heads part II

People are bloody stupid. Ah they think they are clever and doing what their little hooplehead brain thinks is the right thing to do. BUT they don't know me. 

Stuff like this makes me more determined. 

So for all the doubters: this is my life, my rules, my belief system, mine. I'm never going to take crap from anyone who I don't know, who doesn't live my life. 

School yard games....I grew out of them last century. HashtagSuckIt 

Birthdays

So much to write about. But it will have to wait. Today my god daughter turns 6. Today her mommy isn't here to send lots of pictures, give her a millions kisses and shower her with glitter and cake. One day I will. 

I wish she could see how pretty her little girl is, how much she has in her, her smile, the way she poses and turns her head. 

Happy birthday little one. One day we'll meet again and I'll spoil you like the princess your mommy knew you were. 

Eat your worms

I've been known to say that 'city' living is not for me. That I couldn't bear to live in a great big city. And tonight, it struck me... Hastings is the only town I've actually lived in. I've always lived in cities. Or suburbs of cities...which I suppose in Africa terms is a town? I don't know. What I mean when I say I can't live in cities, is that I would find it hard to not live by the sea...  Because I really like cities - London this week was great, I love the buzz, the fast, the slow, the stuff to do, the places to walk and talk and eat and drink and laugh. I love views from high up and then the ones from the ground.... I love walking for miles, finding cool shops, chilling with TB with a view that goes on and on.... so yes, city living could be for me, but with some water (not the stinky Thames) near by. Brighton would be cool... Cape Town and PE were very similar vibe-wise.

I was walking along the beachfront this evening and it did all the things that I've come to rely on from the body of water. It cleared my head, it calmed me. I breathed in the breeze and I could breathe again. I lifted my face to the sun, hearing the music of the waves and I felt a little bit more 'me'.

It's no secret that I've been out of sorts, grumpy to a degree and just meh for a little bit. I can't shake this cold, I keep getting reactions to mozzie bites and I'm on the verge of tears every five minutes - for no reason. I'm just sad and I couldn't tell you why. I feel overwhelmed and I'm not sure if it's just been a big year, or because I want to do so much yet don't know where to start. I'm not sure if I'm sad because this month is a screw up in money terms and I hate that I have to budget for menial but important things, when actually I want to go shopping for pretty things and pubbing for drinking things while the sun is shining. hashtagbeingangrownupsucksballs  hashtageatworms  There is also that realisation that you're a little pissed off with yourself for being a grump and not terribly organised. 

So I needed the waves, I needed their melody, I needed to hear the crash of sound on pebbles... the ebb, the rush, the sound that sings to me. I walked and I sat and I didn't have to think. No thinking - just being. And it's made me happier, it's made me a little less bleurgh. I still have the arsehole housework/stuff to do but right now, it can go do one....

Buildings have feelings too

I wanted to do a blog - it's been sitting in my head for about 3 weeks - I wanted to do a blog about how much I've changed since joining where I worked to now. But I think the history of this blog is testament to that. I've been to a few leaving presentations - which utterly convinced me not to have one - and most of them say it was all about the people not the work blah blah smooze - except for that one person who said they hated every minute of every hour and to be fair, their collection was reflective of the mutual dislike.

For me, it wasn't so much the people - you get people everywhere (duh!) and you'll make friends everywhere. For me, it was the building.... that throwback from the 60's with it's weird design (so weird that I got lost on my first day and again on my very last day - 4000 of them in between), that dark clouds always appeared to hang over. That building has given me some memories. I was so daunted when I went in (and got lost) on that first day - by the end, I knew if I carried on walking, I'd find a familiar landmark.

That building has shared in my life... seeing me sob in the car park, fall in the bathroom, a sponsored silence (NEVER AGAIN), running to the hospital for various things (CG, my mom, my dad, my broken hand/arm), getting stuck in a lift and meeting my H for the first time - what an impression I made. Coercing Ben to fold his lanky self into a box and jump out singing Happy Birthday. And my army boys - making friendships that have been really sweet. Meeting TB - the list is endless. And that's the thing with buildings, they share in your life. That's true of any building. The day I move out of this house, I will sob like a toddler without a biscuit.

The people? Meh, I think I'll miss working with a few but the ones I really like, I'll see again. So no - the people made work bearable (some of them) but I'll not miss them to the point of bawling my eyes out. The building did that for me.

AHouse, you've seen me become an adult - at my worst and at my best.

Hheads

Turns out that some people are just dickheads. No matter how you try to excuse their behaviour as not knowing any better. Excuse their ignorance for not being very bright. The fact remains, they are just hoopleheads. They seek to bring everyone down to their miserable level, with their jealousy and petty mindedness. They seek to destroy all the pretty things around them, for they are not pretty themselves (inside or out).

More to be pitied than to be scorned, however I'm not that gracious. So for now I scorn their stupidity.

This should be a great week for me. An end to my time, an end of my era. But instead by hoopleheads not knowing how to do what they are paid for, I'm the one not having a great time. I will have the last laugh.... I'm cunning like that.