An open letter

** I wrote this months ago - april I think and didn't publish it. It's so angry and emotional and I dislike being angry (gives other people power I think). Now although it said 'open letter', I'm enough of a softy to not want the person it was intended for to actually read it. However, I only have 6 followers and it's a good piece, so I'm publishing and owning up to my words. The person in question values honesty so...**





I'm not so idiotic as to think the person who this is intended for, will read this - but it's in my head and therefore needs to get out.

So it's happened again, the thing that happened last year has occurred once more. Am I surprised? Well yes and no, I predicted something along these lines just got the timeline wrong. I also thought that lessons had been learnt and it wouldn't go down the same route. But it has. And it's a wake up call for me in one respect. In another, it's totally thrown me AGAIN! Never in all my years, have I been in such a situation. Even as a teenager, when quite frankly, you're hot headed and don't know your arse from your elbow. You might not have realised that the opposite sex come and go, but friends are the ones that mop up your puke, your tears, put up with your drama, call you out when you're being a twit. Maybe, it's just something myself and my friends realised early on. Maybe it's a 'all girls schools' ethic? Maybe others don't get that memo.. And at 30-something, it's really something that should be known by now.

But again, a person who I considered a best friend, has supposedly chosen me over an idiot. I say supposedly, because I really am only supposing, I've not actually been told this. So yes, my open letter.

"I am sorry that I didn't tell you about an email I was SENT (note, that I did not send myself). I'm sorry I replied - I've been brought up to thank a person when they wish me for my birthday. I didn't tell you because a) it didn't feature on my radar as the most important thing in my day/week/year/life
b) it wasn't huge news
c) by the time I spoke to you/saw you it was 2 weeks later, I had been (i) ill, (ii) away on a mini-break, (iii) celebrated my birthday and quite frankly I had forgotten.
I forgot that I needed to document every single time, this man has emailed me, walked past my desk, looked at another female. I wasn't aware this was a remit of our friendship. However, I don't think it's stuff worthy of losing a 9 year friendship over. But, maybe this was the excuse you were looking for?
In reflecting on this, I realise that there were a few things I hadn't told you - that had slipped my mind because I didn't want you to get hurt, have an aneurysm, blame me for the fact he can't keep it in his pants. And blame me you will because you're obsessed with this man. No matter how many times you are confronted with the truth, the bare bold facts, you still let him into your house, your life, your bed. It's not healthy. Maybe you think that he comes running back because he won't admit his feelings for you. No, the simple truth is that you're available when others have turned him down. You're not going to say NO to him, he knows that so when a need overcomes him, there you are. Ready and willing. He's never going to have that change of heart and settle down with you. Never. I know this, deep down you know this. God knows he's told you enough times. He's told everyone enough times. What kind of man honestly thinks your best friend is fair game?
But, you've made your choice and I imagine you'll continue to choose him over yourself and your own happiness. I don't think you're bitter just yet but it does come across that you hated me being happy. You preferred it when I was as miserable as you, so we could bitch together and so on. You liked it when my life was worse than yours so you could feel better about yourself. You liked it when you could tell everyone how much I f**ked up and you know, actually that's not a friend. A friend does not break confidence - you did that. So the signs were there for me to see and I was just as blind as you appear to be over him.
I'm thinking you've done me a favour. I don't have to dumb down my happiness, I don't have to watch my words for fear you'll freak out. I don't have to keep to myself and not have you as my only friend in case you get upset. I don't have to listen to you bitch about everyone else and then see you creep up to them. Yes, I will miss our coffee and chats...but the times before. I think you were jealous I took it so badly about Nhandi, you gave me a pat on the shoulder, when I needed a hug. Things have not been the same since she died. Maybe because I stopped being a doormat - I know I changed. But really, I needed a friend, a best friend and you came up short."
So there you have it, an open letter of sorts. For the person that would never read it.

Grrr

Oh my f&@)£! 

Feels like this session has lasted several centuries. The lady with the happy name is asking inane after inane question. I am pretty convinced I'm in Hell with this man talking at me, surrounded by Idiots of every degree. 

I got tears in my eyes earlier....yes it might have been partly my headache but I am going to blame e18d 

Ouches!

I lived in Africa for half my life (as it stands now). I know full well the damage the sun can do. It was drummed into us at school - stupid sun hats anyone? - And I guess they weren't stupid, they were just stupid looking. Factor 50 was an essential part of my routine - also an aversion to freckles helped. I mean, it didn't stop us slathering baby oil onto our skins when adults weren't looking and baking ourselves to the equivalent of a really fried chip but hay... the price you pay for an awesome tan. Being of a very fair complexion - the Irish and Scottish back genes will give you that - I  probably paid a high price in heat stroke and the like. Also peeling, I had a permanently peeling nose - the kind surfers have -also a lot of shoulder peeling.

And yet yesterday, I sat myself in the sun for a few hours - not with the sole purpose of burning but to enjoy, nay...to bask in the delight of a summer's day. To really enjoy the heat penetrating my bones and warming me up inside out. Today, I look like a stripy tomato. I say stripy because as I wasn't consciously tanning, I hadn't positioned myself in the right way. *rolleyes*

Anyway, today I hurt, really hurt. I have the dehydration headache from hell - never mind the litres of water I've ingested, I've got plenty sore bits.

But although I'm on the verge of incredible self pity, I shall not indulge purely - because it's self inflicted. I'm old enough to know better, I'm 'African' enough to REALLY know better. ;)

In other news - SO enjoying this World Cup - I've seen a bit of every game, I'm loving the anthems, I'm just really liking it.

Also adding to Laws - shops should stay open 24/7 so that healthy meals can be enjoyed and consumed by bears that find themselves hungry after hitting balls.

Personality types

So, I'm in training and I'll be honest and say it's not the best experience I've ever had in my life. Yes, there have been giggles. But mainly, in the whole, it's dire.

And has given me much in the way of self analysis. I look around and wonder that if one day, I'll turn into these people I'm surrounded by. I don't think it's possible but maybe in the future, I'll be as petty and jaded as some of them appear to be.

Yesterday we did a personality test and I got quite annoyed in the aftermath. Now, lets get something straight, I enjoy being 'good' at my job...it's what I want to be. I'm not saying I love the organisation I work for, nor that I love how they go about things but I want to be capable. It's the whole wanting to know what you're doing for me. It's that learning to run before walk thing. And yes, that's probably my personality type. I also don't like to be pigeon holed. And I looked at all those personality types and thought I would fit into all those boxes but I came out strong in Activist or something with an A. That in itself didn't bother me too much, I can see that yes, I would sometimes be in that box and wow...good on me for still being that type after 10 years working where I do.

But it was when the trainer said those people weren't the people you'd want solely in an office, that I got annoyed. I've been damn great in my job - I've got reports that say so. And if I hadn't jumped up and offered for something - thinking of two instances off the top of my head - I would not have a) been promised an award and b) met TheBear. So...stuff the trainer yes? But as I reflect (hahahhaa see I do fit into another personality box) I think, well actually I KNOW the office isn't where I'm strongest, where I was meant to be. I wasn't wired for sitting at a desk - which is why I offer out for stuff due to boredom thresholds being high when I am behind a desk for 7 hours a day.

Yesterday I was annoyed. Today I am slightly less so because it's just another firecracker getting let off showing me what I need to do.

Laws of our land

There be laws. Oh yes there are. Laws that won't mean a thing to my 5 readers in the Eastern Bloc - who are you by the way....do you think 'Krazy English Lady - she speaks so funny'.

Anyway, laws.... we've made a few.


1) Bacon sandwiches - mandatory on a weekend and/or rest day (see below)
2) PBM - Mondays
3) Rest days are all day events - combining food, lots of laughing, some TV, much smiling.
4) Chinese restaurants are to be upheld above all others, especially those in Southampton
5) Text messages from national Pizza chains are to be taken seriously
6) Cats should be smooth and curly
7) Bears should be winners who have the most delightful fur.
8) Road trips must have music - good music - mixed tapes are golden
9) Mermaids must have protection from crabs who are after their scales
10) Poker Bears catch fish
11) Shalmon - consumed a lot with shteak
12) "Yeeesh" and "country cooking" is a legitimate way of speaking
13) There is only one kind of coffee machine and maybe two types of coffee to drink
14) Cats shall not roam the street after midnight unless they are THE Cat.
15) Bees make the perfect spies
16) Snakes are not to be attacked

17) Precautions should always be in place. 

That's a few for now... there are a million more

My word(s)

So my last blog hovered briefly on writings I've done. And today at work, while clearing out my desk - going into training dontcha know? New system, new stuff to learn. Hope the brain can handle it. Anyway, I came across my training from last year - yup I'm the poster child for change. And in that folder was a few bits I wrote while in that training - either while I might have been bored or on a break.
I'm going to write it here..purely because it made me laugh. I actually remember that day, I was SO tired that if I hadn't had written something/anything, I would have snored super loudly. (with that said, I don't snore, I snuffle just for the record)

Here it is:

Eyes blinking
Every blink an effort
"Stay up" my brain says
"I'm tired" protests those eyes
And they influence and infect the
Rest of my body
I'm shutting down, going
Into Sleep Mode
Head getting heavier
Arms and legs llooking to
Crawl together, to rest
Side by side
The eyes have it, they win
ASLEEP

AJG 02.05.13 11.40 am

Okay it's not great but I was sleepy remember?  And after many years of not writing a lot, I ended up writing 3 that day.

I did one for Nhandi - it's only going to be good for me, but I'm going to post it, because I DO remember writing this one and getting teary and yet today I read it and smiled.

My 'so black it's blue' haired beauty
My smiley, funny, silly best friend,
My thirteen thirteen for ever and beyond
My Cinzano and lemonade chipped tooth
My sister I got to choose
My 'never gonna eat fish again' fairy
The one who knew my mind
Who could answer questions I hadn't yet asked
Who believed I would rule the world
By my side in a BMW cabriolet (white)
Inside jokes and duo's
The other love of my life
The opposite of me, yet the same, my other half
My Nhandi

AJG 02.05.13 12.13pm

Stuff

And we carry it forward,

All the hurt, the pain, the anger

Instead of remembering

The elation, the butterflies, the laughter.

Memories of Misery not Mirth

AJG 22/05/2014

Sadness over happiness every time.

But why?

When memories are made, they do not discriminate

We remember all of it.

So why do we look to what was bad, rather than what was good?

I will not let that be me. I can recall the hurt, the sorrow, the betrayal. But I will not have that as the basis of my memories. No, they are of sunshine and laughter, coming of age and a whole lot of firsts.

Instead of my mother the stroke victim, it’s my mother; the vibrant, frustrating, stubborn, silly confidante that I remember.  That she ALWAYS gave me affection. That it’s no great shame she can’t remember how to say my name, because she never said it much pre-stroke – I was always a ‘lovie’ or some such endearment. My mother was so opinionated, so obstinate, so much her own confident person, she was also amazing. She is NOT the woman she is now. And I guess that upsets me purely because when people meet her now, they’re not meeting MEG, they’re not really meeting her.

Other things too – I carry the happiness not the misery.  I refuse point blank to be miserable anymore, it’s not conducive to my health, my mental stability, my outlook and most importantly, my future.

I found a book last night, writing, tons of it, poetry and stories and just so much emotion. But it’s good, I read it and it’s really good. Which means, she says self depreciatively, I must be good? Ha, and that’s awkward to write.