An open letter

** I wrote this months ago - april I think and didn't publish it. It's so angry and emotional and I dislike being angry (gives other people power I think). Now although it said 'open letter', I'm enough of a softy to not want the person it was intended for to actually read it. However, I only have 6 followers and it's a good piece, so I'm publishing and owning up to my words. The person in question values honesty so...**





I'm not so idiotic as to think the person who this is intended for, will read this - but it's in my head and therefore needs to get out.

So it's happened again, the thing that happened last year has occurred once more. Am I surprised? Well yes and no, I predicted something along these lines just got the timeline wrong. I also thought that lessons had been learnt and it wouldn't go down the same route. But it has. And it's a wake up call for me in one respect. In another, it's totally thrown me AGAIN! Never in all my years, have I been in such a situation. Even as a teenager, when quite frankly, you're hot headed and don't know your arse from your elbow. You might not have realised that the opposite sex come and go, but friends are the ones that mop up your puke, your tears, put up with your drama, call you out when you're being a twit. Maybe, it's just something myself and my friends realised early on. Maybe it's a 'all girls schools' ethic? Maybe others don't get that memo.. And at 30-something, it's really something that should be known by now.

But again, a person who I considered a best friend, has supposedly chosen me over an idiot. I say supposedly, because I really am only supposing, I've not actually been told this. So yes, my open letter.

"I am sorry that I didn't tell you about an email I was SENT (note, that I did not send myself). I'm sorry I replied - I've been brought up to thank a person when they wish me for my birthday. I didn't tell you because a) it didn't feature on my radar as the most important thing in my day/week/year/life
b) it wasn't huge news
c) by the time I spoke to you/saw you it was 2 weeks later, I had been (i) ill, (ii) away on a mini-break, (iii) celebrated my birthday and quite frankly I had forgotten.
I forgot that I needed to document every single time, this man has emailed me, walked past my desk, looked at another female. I wasn't aware this was a remit of our friendship. However, I don't think it's stuff worthy of losing a 9 year friendship over. But, maybe this was the excuse you were looking for?
In reflecting on this, I realise that there were a few things I hadn't told you - that had slipped my mind because I didn't want you to get hurt, have an aneurysm, blame me for the fact he can't keep it in his pants. And blame me you will because you're obsessed with this man. No matter how many times you are confronted with the truth, the bare bold facts, you still let him into your house, your life, your bed. It's not healthy. Maybe you think that he comes running back because he won't admit his feelings for you. No, the simple truth is that you're available when others have turned him down. You're not going to say NO to him, he knows that so when a need overcomes him, there you are. Ready and willing. He's never going to have that change of heart and settle down with you. Never. I know this, deep down you know this. God knows he's told you enough times. He's told everyone enough times. What kind of man honestly thinks your best friend is fair game?
But, you've made your choice and I imagine you'll continue to choose him over yourself and your own happiness. I don't think you're bitter just yet but it does come across that you hated me being happy. You preferred it when I was as miserable as you, so we could bitch together and so on. You liked it when my life was worse than yours so you could feel better about yourself. You liked it when you could tell everyone how much I f**ked up and you know, actually that's not a friend. A friend does not break confidence - you did that. So the signs were there for me to see and I was just as blind as you appear to be over him.
I'm thinking you've done me a favour. I don't have to dumb down my happiness, I don't have to watch my words for fear you'll freak out. I don't have to keep to myself and not have you as my only friend in case you get upset. I don't have to listen to you bitch about everyone else and then see you creep up to them. Yes, I will miss our coffee and chats...but the times before. I think you were jealous I took it so badly about Nhandi, you gave me a pat on the shoulder, when I needed a hug. Things have not been the same since she died. Maybe because I stopped being a doormat - I know I changed. But really, I needed a friend, a best friend and you came up short."
So there you have it, an open letter of sorts. For the person that would never read it.