musings at 2am

So I got my first tattoo in August. It was one Nhandi and I designed together. We were going to get it done together but obviously life decided against that and I had to get it on my own.

It was seriously VERY painful and I doubt I'll ever have another one but you know, it's 2.35am, I'm a little intoxicated and quite honestly, it's the thing that got me through the night. How bizarre is that?

I went out for a friend's birthday...not any old friend - my Nhandi in England friend - on the 11 month that Nhandi has left us. And in moments that I was alone I looked at the tattoo and put my lips to it.

I didn't think an engraving on my skin would have that much effect. I really didn't. But it did. It does.

Oh blog dear blog

Must make more of an effort. Ugh, sounds like a school report - no, sounds like ALL my school reports.

Anyway, so I directed a person to a blog post, in reference to a conversation we were having. In turn, to continue another conversation, this person directed me to their web page. And I've just spent the best part of 15 minutes having a browse. Now I am consumed with giggles and embarrassment that I've given the link to my amateur hour word page (no offence dear blog), when their life is filled with so much talent and such.

But this page is mine and I do take ownership of all the words I've written, all the bad spelling and grammatical errors and all the tears I've shed writing it all. Reading back through the pages and how my life has changed! In a mere two years. And with the 11 month anniversary of Nhandi tomorrow, I hope that it changes even more for the better in the months to come. I hate this feeling of emptiness and I know, I do actually know, that she would hate to see me like this. She would not like this. I also know that were the roles reversed, she'd be just as devastated and be wondering when it would all get better. I just feel so redundant - I think that's the word I mean. I just physically cannot make this situation better for her mom, I cannot physically or mentally change how we all feel and I do so hate to not be able to change things I don't like - only child syndrome or just 'mature woman used to getting her own way' <---same difference maybe.

I've gone off onto a different subject than the one I wanted to blog about - why does that always happen to me. I guess there's so much I want to put out there, on here. I want to blog about how I feel in general, I want to say how scared I am that my son is 16 in February and here's his whole future in front of him and have I done enough? Have I been a good enough role model, mother and done my job well. Sometimes I think I must have. Here's this tall teenager who respects me, who hasn't gone off the rails and he's nearly 16. He's a boy I'm forever proud of - except when it's 7.30 in the morning and I can't get him out of bed. Do I wish I could have provided more for him..hell yes! But I think that's normal parenting woes.

Hoping I come back here soonest - I need to write more. My diary is full of blank pages - that's not me....

Things countries could learn

So I've been thinking about things England could learn from SA and vice versa. 

1) They should be nearer - like maybe a 14 hour drive away at most. This million hour flight plays havoc with my sleeping pattern.

2) England should have South Africa's roads. End of. The roads are amazing in comparison. The views beyond compare. Making use of flyovers and that hard shoulder thingie is just genius. People might drive a little more aggressively in SA but they drive with a sense of purpose - they know how to overtake AND say thank you (love that little hazard light). Also the potholes aren't as big, when you see any. 

3) Shopping - a huge difference. Malls, malls and malls. Never have I seen so many shopping centres and all geared with a pleasant shopping experience in mind. The parking - Cavendish Square you win hands down. Those lights, oh what a dream. Food halls to make your mouth water...not just McD's and a Costa. And customer service with a smile. However, in the supermarkets England wins in the fresh fruit and veg department and the variety thereof. South Africa wins on the variety of juice and soft drink on offer. And pricing of meat. 

4) This is Connor's one: the houses in SA are different. They don't all look the same. Obviously, there's a space issue here. England doesn't have the room (nor the weather for all the swimming pools in back gardens). England wins on the double glazing front: South Africa - you NEED double glazing! Cape Town, you should get some kind of central heating along with double glazing.

5) Socialising: I'm going to say South Africa wins by a marginal purely because of the time we had. However, we were in big cities and on holiday and therefore in demand. But it appears that people eat out more - every place we went to was packed and it was Winter and sometimes the middle of the month and I doubt they were all tourists. 

6) England is nearer to Europe. That's a plus right? 

7) Scenery - a world apart. England is pretty, is scenic, is beautiful in a olde worlde castle way, very green, steeped in history and so on. South Africa is stark, a different green, stunning in a bold and brave way that takes your breath away. 

This is all very tongue in cheek and makes me just wish I could combine the two countries. To have the best of both worlds. To have all my friends and family only a drive in the car away. 

Beyond awesome. That's all I can say about my first proper festival. The weather was sublime, the company excellent, the vibe just incredible and the music epic. I couldn't have imagined it better AND I didn't need my wellies. 

So now we are on our way home, burnt, bone weary and dying for a long soak in the bubbles. I've walked for miles and miles and yet it's only my feet which ache. 

So best band? I just can't choose. Passenger for being so humble and just really chuffed to be there. He blew me away with enthusiasm. Gaslight Anthem were all I expected from a rock band and had such a good vibe and humour! Not sure iq

Home Heart Happy

Life is not about regrets, but I think we all have one and PE is mine. 

I know now that Connor is African through and though and he is happy and content here. I know that holidays are different to real life but I think that's when you go somewhere new. SA does not count in that respect. This is my home. This is my son's home. 

It smells like it should

And I sit here in the sun and the sounds are different. I'm definitely in Africa. The birds sound different, the wind goes through the trees that bit differently. The smells are not the same as in England. And I'm happy. A different kind of happy to the uk.  Like I'm being me, I talk like me, I laugh like me. I know how to just be. As does my CG. He's done me proud. (As always it does have to be said)

Listening to w&s's parrot talk in a SA accent, so funny. Listening to my own voice talk in a SA accent, no stupid half accent like normal. Hoping I can be like the parrot and retain the chatter. 

And now it's the day of our big twenty year reunion and I'm finished, I'm "hundreds". I'm here. And the countdown is over and tomorrow I might be sad. But today/tonight I party with my old school friends and we remember what it was like to be 18 again. 

Is it home?

So we're in Cape Town and its like I've never left. I knew this would happen, hoped it would happen. Even CG,  who hasn't grown up here, feels like its home. The weather might be a bit yucky but it's not that bad. The people are amazing and smiley. The shops are full of yummo treats, the scenery is beyond stunning and the smells are the same. I am happy, I am content and I wish as always, I had never left. There was a part of me, the expat part that wanted it to be a bit too much so I could say 'this is not for me' but that's not happened. 

Yes I miss my people, but not anything else.