Oh blog dear blog

Must make more of an effort. Ugh, sounds like a school report - no, sounds like ALL my school reports.

Anyway, so I directed a person to a blog post, in reference to a conversation we were having. In turn, to continue another conversation, this person directed me to their web page. And I've just spent the best part of 15 minutes having a browse. Now I am consumed with giggles and embarrassment that I've given the link to my amateur hour word page (no offence dear blog), when their life is filled with so much talent and such.

But this page is mine and I do take ownership of all the words I've written, all the bad spelling and grammatical errors and all the tears I've shed writing it all. Reading back through the pages and how my life has changed! In a mere two years. And with the 11 month anniversary of Nhandi tomorrow, I hope that it changes even more for the better in the months to come. I hate this feeling of emptiness and I know, I do actually know, that she would hate to see me like this. She would not like this. I also know that were the roles reversed, she'd be just as devastated and be wondering when it would all get better. I just feel so redundant - I think that's the word I mean. I just physically cannot make this situation better for her mom, I cannot physically or mentally change how we all feel and I do so hate to not be able to change things I don't like - only child syndrome or just 'mature woman used to getting her own way' <---same difference maybe.

I've gone off onto a different subject than the one I wanted to blog about - why does that always happen to me. I guess there's so much I want to put out there, on here. I want to blog about how I feel in general, I want to say how scared I am that my son is 16 in February and here's his whole future in front of him and have I done enough? Have I been a good enough role model, mother and done my job well. Sometimes I think I must have. Here's this tall teenager who respects me, who hasn't gone off the rails and he's nearly 16. He's a boy I'm forever proud of - except when it's 7.30 in the morning and I can't get him out of bed. Do I wish I could have provided more for him..hell yes! But I think that's normal parenting woes.

Hoping I come back here soonest - I need to write more. My diary is full of blank pages - that's not me....