Ouch

Gosh, well hasn’t 4 years gone quickly? Of course it has. Time speeds up with every year. This is not a new thing. 

I can’t count the number of times, I go to tell Nhandi something and then shudder as I realise I can’t. I think of all the amazing things she’s missed out on and it becomes a dull ache inside. So much I wish she was here for. 

Things I have learnt over the past 4 years. I can cry without a tear falling, heartache is an actual thing and the pain from it can cause real illness. This grief has no doubt prepared me for grieving to come. And it changes you, things that got me upset beforehand, no longer seem as significant. I know I have the strength to get up and fight another day. However, I no longer feel bad for having good times – that used to happen a lot. I’d catch myself smiling, enjoying life and then whoosh! I’d get a guilt trip. Now I don’t. Now I enjoy every bit of life I can. 

It seems like a big fat cheesy meme, but I do now make sure all those who are important to me, know it. And I surround myself with those people – and people I like. 

But I’m also scared, I’m scared of losing anyone else. I wonder if that will be the straw that breaks me in two. 

You know, I miss our Skype chats… us talking over each other. That and whatsapp was our way of connecting – the distance being too much for regular hugs. I think the knowledge that I’ll never get another bone crushing hug that lasted forever, is what hurts currently. Do I remember the last hug I got? For sure. Outside Carol’s house. 

It would have been her wedding anniversary on Monday. No one mentioned it. I wonder if I was the only one who realised. Her husband is married to another now but I still remember the date. She was radiant that day… all pink and glittery. Sparkling from head to toe. 

I wrote the above a few days ago and It wasn't until today, that I realised something. I push the tears away. Today, I was in the kitchen, listening to music and the next thing I knew I was bent over sobbing like I haven't done in a while. My chest hurt, my eyes were burning and my cheeks wet. Her son is 4 today. She's never had a birthday with him. The anger came. I kicked a cupboard door (twice)    I hurt today, like I haven't hurt in months. I want to break something with as much force as I have in me. I want to lie on my bed and sob because I miss my girl so much. When I left Cape Town to live in PE, Nhandi and Mouse came to say goodbye....we were sobbing like only teenage girls can. Like the bottom of the world had dropped out. Every time she left PE after a holiday, we cried like that. My dad was always the one who had to take one of us away. Did our souls know we didn't have forever? That each goodbye was nearly the last one. The last one....I was a mother, an adult and still we cried saying goodbye. Today I cried like that. Am I saying goodbye again?

I must finish off with a happy memory, or risk being sad all day. So here's one.....the waiter that served us Don Pedro's when we were underage and acted like we weren't. He kept falling over. We laughed like hyenas. We then crashed a party. We were so "cool" (rop). Or so we thought. Until we realised Nhandis dad was there. Mortified. One good night of many.