Summer 2016 - BRF*

I realise that some friends or family who read this - might get a little annoyed/upset/disappointed by this blog. I also know that because they like/love me, they will probably understand.

You see, I get a question asked of me quite a bit. It's one that I'm sure millions of expats get asked. "Would you go back?" or a variant of that. Would you go back to live? Don't you miss it?

My answer has changed over the years... and my current one is 'no, I miss the way of life, I miss my people, but I'm too soft for Africa'. It's sad to say but I am. That living next door to abject poverty and anything you can and want to do, will be a mere drop in the ocean, is not the life you wish to live. Aaah and as I'm typing this, I can actually hear the comeback people might give me for this. BUT until you've been a tourist in your country, you cannot understand how bad your homeless situation is. I live in England where apparently thousands live below the poverty line. I'm sure they do, IF that poverty line is governed by the amount of TV's you have in your house, or how many Sky channels.

But this wasn't the point of this blog. I was standing in the kitchen and realising that Summer '16 is over.... and hasn't it been a great one? And that if every Summer was like this in England, then I wouldn't miss 'the way of life' anymore. I'd just miss my people.

Sunshine, it's what keeps my batteries charged. I'm a flower! And a country that has defined seasons, is what I like. This year, it has done all that. Thank you England.

Thing is, I haven't laid on a beach, bleaching my bones - BUT I have walked along and dipped my toes and made decisions and had epic talks. Purrfect. I have been to a festival - seen MANY international bands and not just local ones.... although I guess Black Sabbath is a local band? I have spent nights in a tent, done the wedding season (and as a result, had my very own Bridget Jones moment) - been to a few casinos, ticked off my bucket list by visiting Stratford-upon-Avon, went to Wimbledon. Got a promotion.

So yes, those folk back home, might wax lyrical about braai's and sunny skies. But I had my own this year.... This is not a summer where I wish I was elsewhere. This is a summer I was glad England was my home.

They say Africa is not for sissies.... however, I am a softy so I think Africa is still for me, but not as a home. There it is... I've said it. I may miss it, but in reality, I miss people. I miss seeing the mountain, I miss sinking my toes into sand, I miss big sky country. But although I miss it, I no longer wish to live there.

It's a big admission to make and one that makes me a little sad. Suffice to say, I've changed my mind many a time over the years, on many different things. This might be one of them. ;)

I guess I look at the Timehop thing and remember that 3 years ago it was nearly our last day in SA.... and the more I think about the trip, the more I come to see, it was exactly as I suspected and believed it would be. A farewell tour. I mean farewell as in, I'll visit you but I won't live in you anymore. Farewell as in, my home is elsewhere. Be that England or wherever, it's not Africa. However, Africa will always be inside me. I am an African Girl... that rare breed of sunny skies and happiness. But I am also English... maybe that's what makes it so hard to be defined... because I can't define myself into a box. Maybe that's my 'curb appeal'?


HA! and noticing that typing on a keyboard as opposed to using the app... means that I just brain vomit as opposed to writing out a subject.


* BewareRocksForeshore

Terrific Tuesday Trips

Why am I awake to see the sun rising? 

Might be bread, might be the fear of missing my alarm and might be because of screeching animals. Maybe a combo of all three. 

I'm going to fly with number 2. I do this whenever there's a deadline to an alarm. Or Christmas and other special holidays (like my birthday). It's nice to think my internal alarm is looking out for me. But also a little sucky because a) work and b) I like to sleep. 

I did this last Monday. Pure excitement there. And I think there's a touch of that at play here too. Big day for TB.....start of a really (what I believe to be) awesome path. And my gut is always so right....except when it's wrong of course. :-) 

So yes, I'm tired but I'm wired. 

And I sit here, watching the sky turn from black to violet and I have a huge grin on my face. It's only the beginning of a new dawn. And I feel good. 🎼

Clearing the air

IThe moon looked amazing. Hazy and yellow. 

And then the thunderclouds rolled in. It's streaking across the sky...the Lightning is incredible, the white illuminating the darkness. The thunder overhead booming and crashing. 

And then there's the air. The smell of summer rain. Clearing the stuffiness. Clearing my head. Clarity. 

Awe. Amazement. It's making me wish I was watching it with TB.  I want to get out of the car, arms outstretched and twirl and dance and laugh. 

This is it. This is what was needed. 

Summertime and the loving

I love Summer. It's the best season there is. 

Let's set the scene....no shoes, doors wide open, stillness of the heat. Glass of wine in hand and a lone guitar being strummed. Stand by me. It feels purrfect. Because in this moment I am happy. 

Couldn't do that in Winter. Hashtagthezoo 

Be Present in your life

I’m sitting outside/opposite a building that is older than the country I was born in. I’m in awe, I’m humbled by the history, my head will explode if I think of the decades, events that this building has been witness to.

I’ve walked streets trying to find somewhere to park my feet, my mind and satisfy my hunger (on all fronts). And I’ve ended up here. I thought I would. It was probably never in doubt. I spotted it yesterday when we arrived and it looked so inviting. The vibe is spot on. The guy and his guitar, and various people who I can only describe as ‘luvvie’ types. All loud voices and hand gestures. The owner is friendly, welcoming one and all to his establishment. Full of charm. I say to him ‘Your aubergine parmigano is beautiful. Thank you’. He says back to me ‘For a beautiful lady’. I grin, because everyone likes a compliment. But also because it wasn’t said to be smarmy or to gain anything, it was said to be friendly. *and I think this is a blog for later days but one of the areas where men and woman differ, or the reason why I differ to people*

I’m happy here. Don’t get me wrong, I like being home. But I love being away. Everything just works better when I’m away. Everything seems easier. I don’t have to be anything, other than me. I don’t have to think.

The guitar guy is gone, a cd replaces him. This is divine, it’s like the songs were chosen for me right now. Nina Simone, my soundtrack “It’s a new day, it’s a new dawn, and I’m feeling good”.

And it compounds how I’m feeling about this whole year and how it’s ending. Yes, I’m reflective. More than ever. Is it a good thing? Yes, I believe it is. I cannot change the past, nor do I want to. The past makes us work on our future. To ensure we don’t repeat what we didn’t like. To build on what I do like, what and who I love.  The present is for living now. Enjoying the good, making sure you’re doing the best to get the best, to continue to get the good. Eradicating all that is not good for you (Bread – I’m talking to you!).

 

I guess it’s the humdrum of the normal ‘this is adulthood’ that grates on my bones. The endless cycle of mundane shit. Washing, cooking, cleaning. No one ever sold growing up as this. But it’s the acceptance of this, that will set me free. The acceptance that life cannot be full of excitement, and thrill every second of the day. That when we are restless, if everything overwhelms…. Then be honest.

H-heads part II

People are bloody stupid. Ah they think they are clever and doing what their little hooplehead brain thinks is the right thing to do. BUT they don't know me. 

Stuff like this makes me more determined. 

So for all the doubters: this is my life, my rules, my belief system, mine. I'm never going to take crap from anyone who I don't know, who doesn't live my life. 

School yard games....I grew out of them last century. HashtagSuckIt 

Birthdays

So much to write about. But it will have to wait. Today my god daughter turns 6. Today her mommy isn't here to send lots of pictures, give her a millions kisses and shower her with glitter and cake. One day I will. 

I wish she could see how pretty her little girl is, how much she has in her, her smile, the way she poses and turns her head. 

Happy birthday little one. One day we'll meet again and I'll spoil you like the princess your mommy knew you were.