There's a song by Passenger at the moment - excellent to see live... so humble, so gracious, so bloody brilliant - anyway there's his big song 'Let her go'. And I know it's a love song but songs mean what you want them to mean right? I listen to it and on a day like a bad day like today: it reminds me of my girl, my Nhands, my best friend. And I guess - August is when I'll be letting her go. And then it hits me again today, like a freight train going full speed and hitting me, that's she's really gone and the hysterics come. I want to kick something really hard for taking her from me, her mom, dad, her babies. It's just not bloody fair! It's not right. I want her to know that I'm doing stuff... I want her to tell me how funny I sound. I want to hear her go "Oh Ali, I love you, you noo noo". I want to see her and hug her. And I want to stop crying. And I don't want it to be true. It hits me that August is going to be when I realise it is true and she's not coming back. I think I'm in denial at the moment. I've been talking non stop about her since November but not to anyone that knew her - until this last weekend when I did with Teves - and then it became a bit more real that she's gone from our lives. 

My LaniMom wrote on a page today and I answered with this: 
I remember Nhandi's smile, that eyebrow that lifted. How she would give anyone the time of day, but if you hurt the ones she loved, you got the death stare. I remember every time we said goodbye, we'd be hysterical. Or "snot 'n trane" as she used to say. I remember how we used to stand in front of a mirror and twirl our hair together so that it was two-tone (hers that blue black, mine the strawberry blonde). I remember us singing and harmonising to Iko Iko and then playing it for anyone who would listen. I remember someone telling us we were too close and we took it as a compliment (which it wasn't). I remember her laugh, that one that came from the belly and then the snort after. I remember her phoning me to say "Ali, you're going to be an Aunty" when she was pregnant with G and then again with A. Oh I miss her every single day. Life just isn't the same as it was



Passenger - Let her go



Well you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
And you let her go 

Staring at the bottom of your glass 
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last 
But dreams come slow and they go so fast 
You see her when you close your eyes 
Maybe one day you'll understand why 
Everything you touch surely dies 

But you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go 

Staring at the ceiling in the dark 
Same old empty feeling in your heart 
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast 
Well you see her when you fall asleep 
But never to touch and never to keep 
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep 

Well you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
And you let her go 
Oh oh oh no 
And you let her go 
Oh oh oh no 
Well you let her go 

Happiness is.... Unhappiness is...

When life is pretty damn wonderful - you can't help but smile. So this weekend I'm off to a festival, armed to the teeth with loo roll and wet wipes and about a million vest tops I won't wear. I'm also off to SA later in the year. I've got the most amazing family - a son who does me so proud my heart feels like bursting, a pair of parents that are so loving and giving and supportive of all I do, an aunt who is unfortunately too far away but is my absolute confident, and friends who cheer me on from the sidelines. I've got a job that pays my bills and keeps me entertained and my mind ticking. And also that other thing I'm keeping to myself....
I'm feeling blessed. That's it. I'm feeling so blessed. And yet, the one person I'd share this with is no longer here. That's where I realise that although I'm feeling nearly on top of the world, it's the loss of Nhandi that still makes me want to burst into tears at every given chance. I can talk about her without bursting into hysterics but I get that lump in my throat.  It just sucks so much.

How can someone who was such a big part of my life - who was joined to my life, just be gone? It's still so very inconceivable. It's still so bloody awful.

So while I'm grinning like a lunatic, feeling completely happy about the direction my life is taking me - there's a void in it. There's a grief I'm bearing, there's a tear falling down my face.

I did say in an earlier blog that I was going to live my life from here on in, to the best it could be. I was going to embrace everything that came my way, for her and for me. I was going to live for the both of us. I'm doing that. I know she'd be bouncing with happiness over mine. We'd also be counting down the days until Cape Town. We'd be freaking that it was so soon until we had a massive hug. But this weekend, I shall stand while listening to a certain song by a certain band and I shall nod to my angel and thank her for watching over me.

"I forgive, had enough, time to live, time to love"

Oyster!!

I have a dilemma.... of sorts.

I'm allergic to oysters, yet I love them. I'm aware many people don't.
I had my first oyster at age 16 (I don't think I had one before). It was in Knsyna which is in South Africa. I remember thinking, I do not think I shall like this. Yet I did. I flipping loved them. And so I added another food to my list that the majority of people turn their noses up at.

Fast forward to Hastings about 8 years ago.... had an oyster or three with mom and bleurgh, I was violently ill. But I didn't believe it could be the oysters...didn't the Oyster and I have a beautiful relationship? Why would it then render me incapable of walking upright and begging anyone to kill me just to escape the gut-wrenching, clenching pain I felt myself in. My bathroom and I never left each other's side for 24 hours. I was as weak as a puppy but I blamed it on something else. About 6 months later, I had more oysters and boom! it was time to admit those little suckers were to blame. This time I'm not even prepared to admit that I didn't make it to the bathroom. I was ill.

And I've shyed away from them ever since.

BUT

In two months time, I shall be back in Knysna - the home of the Oyster (well the South African one) and I can almost taste their sweet flavour. My dilemma is this: should I try an English one and see how it likes me - I could very well have grown out of the allergic-ness. Or do I wait for the African breed and see if that likes me more - quite possibly screwing up a day of my holiday?

The things I want to share

I'm happy and yet I feel guilty to be happy. I alternate between being in a super duper good space and then uncontrollable tears because this stuff that's happening in my life right now, the stuff that is making me want to skip joyfully through fields of flowers, this is the first 'big' thing I can't tell my best friend about. I can think that she's showing me signs in the random tunes that are coming on the radio and I can hear her saying 'be happy my noonoo' but I can't physically gush over Skype or text etc with her.

But I am.... in a good place. There's an aspect of my life that I've been so blasé about. There has been a part of me that has lain dormant for a good long while and it is sleeping no longer. And totally by chance - well by my chance anyway. Normally, I shy away from things like this - actually it's fair to say I just wasn't bothered. And now I am. Now I'm grinning and beaming and totally bothered.

Of course, because it's me, there's a little devil sitting right by one of my ears going 'pinch yourself' and 'yeah, you'll screw this up'. But I've flicked that little devil and stuck my tongue out at it. Life is full of 'what will be will be' but also a lot of making the chances you take.

Oooh just had a quick read back. I'm being cryptic aren't I? How amusing when normally I share most of my inner workings. Maybe I'm being cautious for once.... maybe I realise not everyone needs to know everything. Maybe I want to enjoy this without people reading this and filling my head with nonsense.

So here's to the next adventure - it's without Nhandi, but I know she'd approve!