14.11.10

I wrote the below on headings date, on a piece of paper. I've found that piece of paper and I wish to share it a bit.

"It's quite amazing that heartache doesn't change, no matter how old you are. The intensity & rawness remain as real as it did when you were 15 to now when you are decades older. You ask the same questions of yourself: What did I do wrong? It had to be me didn't it? Why am I not good enough? Will I ever find love again? And the range of emotion doesn't change either. From sobbing into your pillow to raging at the Universe for cracking open your ribcage, tearing out your heart with a rusty spoon and scooping out your soul, before eating it with one greedy gulp.

And the one thing you know that will be true, is that you'll never love like that again. With every fresh stomping of your guts, the repair takes a bit more of your trust, the cracks aren't mended as well as they could be, and you find it harder to fall as hard. I wonder how much love one person is allowed? Have I had my quota? Does it dry up and think 'sod that, I'm not doing it anymore'. Are your butterflies of happiness replaced by elephants of cynicism? I don't fall as freely as I did back then, I know this. It takes so much for me to let a person into my heart. So then, when I do fall in love, it hurts like buggery when I'm not good enough, not worthy of their honesty and their love.

I don't worry about being left on the shelf. Because I own the shelf, when I leave it, it's only ever temporary".

The rest is just a bit too personal to share online. But I'll say this:
I do think there lies a fault in me, as most of my so called loves have moved onto really good relationships. And I'm still on my shelf drawing circles in the dust. Actually, this post could come across like I'm looking for love and maybe this is where the fault is. I'm not. I just ponder why I make constantly bad choices in men. I ponder if it's gene related or heart related, do I put faith in totally unsuitable men for me (who I assume are suitable to others)? OR do I choose these unsuitable men because I don't want committment?
Answers on a postcard.