Letting it all fly

I've had about 3 - maybe 4 - blogs floating around my head for about the past week. Now generally, they pop in AS I'm falling asleep or when I'm driving. Basically, when I'm nowhere near a writing implement. And then by the time I am, the idea has flown onto another space in my brain. Makes me think that I'm so busy in my head the rest of the time, that my creativity is having to fight for it's voice. i.e only comes through when I'm relaxed. I've started doing the Mindfulness course, so am trying my best to relax my brain, get my meditation on! And I am convinced that once I start using it completely, my creativity will find that it's voice is louder and breaking through more.

I have so much 'stuff' just circling in myself at the moment, things popping in and out constantly. I need quiet, but it's hard to come by. I need to know CG is going to be okay with his future. It's a shit to not being able to plan this for him. It's his path now. I've done my guiding. It's hard to not take over. It's hard to not know what my role is now. I know he'll always be my 'baby', my son, my child and I'll always be a mother. BUT... it's now about letting him fly, when all I want to do is hold him close. And I question how I've brought him up... no I don't. Not the teaching him manners blah blah blah, yeah I did a great job there. I mean the 'could I have done more?'. Could I have pushed him a bit more there, did a bit more overtime to take him there. The crux is though, can I say he has always known love from me? Yes I can. Did I teach him right from wrong? Yes I did. Did I give him all I could? Yes I did.

So, I need to stop this. I have done well. I will continue to do well. He will be fine, no matter what. Because while I'm letting him fly, I'll always be on the ground for him.

And breathe

I said goodbye to 2017 with a shot of plum sake. I said hello to 2017 with a martini. Seems fitting.

Within the year, I also said goodbye to my Lani-mom. It was hard, it is hard. It's trite and clichéd but I really thought we would have more days/chats/visits together. I really thought she'd watch Gabi grow into a beautiful young lady. I just never thought she'd not be there for me and vice versa. I am terrible about sending cards but this year was the first year, I saw a Happy Hanukkah card and realised I didn't have to think about sending one. I miss her. I miss her so much. But I know, I really know that her life was so full of pain and that she had to say goodbye.
I also send goodbye to apathy - this one wasn't as hard. I said goodbye to biting my tongue quite as hard and my voice found it's voice. I said hello to a little more financial freedom.

2017 was good to me. I saw bands - lots of them. I got to dance like a loon with a thousand other heartbeats and grin like the Cheshire Cat. Prime Circle, AJJ, Green Day, Rancid, Sage and Nick - I got to see new music *Start Wearing Purple, wearing purple* And 2018 will be no different. Music - speaks to my soul and my soul needs to speak.
We went places - Edinburgh to the North, Swansea to the West, Ashford to the East and Brighton to the South.. the compass is covered. 2018 will require a passport at least twice.

Yes, 2018 come and get me. More laughing, more dancing, more trips in Angelo, no loss.

Cook

I have this picture of my nana in my kitchen. I have so many amazing memories of her and I in a kitchen. I would sit on the floor (Gigi and I looking for scraps no doubt), and we would chat away. I didn’t realise it at the time, but she was showing me how to cook. I can hear her voice “Alison, when you make vongolle.....” “Alison, when you boil milk....”
This picture of her sits in my kitchen, but not this week as I’m getting a new kitchen. And as it takes shape, I realise her influence in the scheme I chose. I realise her influence in most I do. It took a village to raise me...4 strong women and 2 awesome men. I hope she’s proud of the lady she helped to grow.

So that was a blog I thought I had posted but turns out I didn't... was written about a month or two ago. Def last year anyway around November time. I have a new kitchen now - it's pretty darn fabulous and while it might be too pink - not the pink I chose, I'm enjoying cooking in it.

And teaching CG the little things my Nana taught me. Maybe I'm giving him memories. He is very competent in zucchini - rejoice in the Italian heritage! ;-)

Yesterday we did sushi - for the 500. Could never have done it in the old kitchen. I sat today at my parents and realised how much cooking together is a part of who we all are. And how much I love that about my family.

Ode to the K

I’ve lived here since September ‘98. I first recorded CG’s height two months later. And ever since. On the eve of a new kitchen, I’ve just realised the door frame is going and I’m hit with emotion. I am  excited for a new kitchen, it’s long overdue. But the door frame can stay. Please.

The kitchen looks like I did when I moved in, a kettle and some cups, washing up liquid. How many happy times has this room seen, how many meals, how many tears and tantrums (me and CG)? It’s always been my go-to room. My place to write, concoct new things, work out my head. It’ll be the same, it’ll just look different.

How much have we grown in that time....Cg and I were babies when we moved here. Him literally and me yet to mature.

Thank you walls for letting me paint you colours that shouldn’t exist. Thank you cupboards for holding my goodies. Thank you boards for letting me kick you in grief. Thank you shelves for holding my memories. Thank you windows for holding my daydreams.

Be pretty, my little kitchen. Just let’s keep that height chart.

Hallowed

Why am I such an elephant? And I don’t mean in the size sense, I’m purely about the memory here. Nhandi got married on this day. No arsehole remembers. By arsehole, it’s clear who I mean. And why should any arsehole remember? When he’s gone and got himself a new wife.
And she was beauty personified on that day. All pink and gold and glittery.....to quote a lyric. There’s a picture of her and Lani dancing on that day.
If only we COULD see the future. If only, if only, if only.
People say you shouldn’t tinge the past with regret. But I cannot help but feel regret the things I never said to my girl. Or the things I did say, but didn’t push her on.
So she got married on Halloween. No treat.

Harking to the past for the future....

6 years ago I believe I found myself. Not in an Eat, Pray, Love kind of way. More like a East, Beast, Feast kind of way. I had found a song that resonated with me in the months prior. Something about the lyrics, the tune, the artist singing all just went bam! boom! whallop! into my head/heart.

And then I was given an opportunity to go to Thailand. Not a place that I'd ever thought of going to. I flew alone, I travelled alone, halfway across the world. I did that. I arrived alone. Not lonely, you understand but in my own company. When I got there, I was stunned into silence - not something that happens all that often. I was in awe of the heat, the vibrancy, the scenery, the cow-sized ceramic chickens, the everything. But it also felt comfortable, like it was familiar.

On my second morning there, that song from months ago, was playing in the breakfast floating island thing. And again with the bam! boom! whallop! and I realised this was me, this is who I am. I'm happy in my skin. Ah well yes, the skin may change - or rather the volume of it - in fact this is direct correlation with me finally managing to put on weight. Gone was the nervous energy, gone was the constant on the move. I calmed down. And that was a good thing.

Maybe Thailand wasn't the cause, maybe it was the end result. Whatever it was, it helped.

Weird, I always think that I enjoyed Thailand on my own. I guess I did.

.....Landslide 

As to the future, well sometimes I need to remind myself, that I know what I want and I'm happy enough getting it. And that my road is a different path to travel than others. That I'm not content to stay here, behind this desk. But also that I'm gentle, I'm soft and kind hearted and to remember not to lose that trait, for it is a good one.

"For although I cannot fly, I am not content to crawl" - 9 days

Lets have a word - open letter

Now c'mon Bread... how can you do this to me?
I love you. I truly loved you.
I love all the different types you can be.
I love your softness, your soft bits, your warm and delightful bits.
I love the way you go with everything. Soup, eggs, bacon, all my favourite eating things.
I love the way you can be so many different types. You're the global staple. Without you, there would be starvation and famine and world wars (for'sure)
And yet you turn on me like this... like a horrible thing.
I hurt Bread, I hurt so deep inside my head. If I had known that my love for you is so unrequited, I would have taken my pennies to the gluten-free aisle.
Your chemicals run deep. My brain constricts like a snake with a juicy pig.
Bread, it's over. Be gone from my lips, my belly, my life.