The twisties of life

I have this theory that people, who are dissatisfied in their own lives, are not happy when others are. It's true that if a person is doing well, then others would like to see them fall a bit. 

See I would rather, that if those people were envious, that they would be inspire to change their circumstances to better what they are disgruntled about. 

I get envy. No, I really do. I think "ah that seems nice" or even "wow, I wish I was that dedicated". But rather than all out jealousy, I know that there's nothing stopping me. 

But I suppose if we all thought like that, then the world would be square. 

And actually those bitter and twisties of the world serve my purpose. They help make me want to make them more bitter and twisty at my success! Ha! 

Randomness.

I found this on my phone and I don't really recall typing it. But I imagine it appeared valid at the time. 

The things that litter your brain at 330am. The thoughts that clutter the vacant and empty corridors of your brain. Like demons they skulk and lurk and hurl their randomness in an assault. And you wonder how did I get here and what am I doing ? This is it or isn't? 

Self worth. Self pity. Self flaggegation. Self doubt. All to do with self. But not self obsessed. 

3.20/am. The worst time for being awake (and sober). Because obviously 3.20am is a good time for dancing when not sober 

Mommy and me.

I miss my mom. Every now and then, I see flashes of who she was and I just want her whole again. I want a full hug, a full smile and a conversation that lasts more than 8 minutes. I want to be able to chat in the kitchen or in the garden. I want her to give me her words of wisdom and laugh at the funnies we do. I want to talk to her on the phone every night. 

I want to go shopping and have her tell me what doesn't suit me and moan about how I always wear jeans. 

I am so grateful that we still have her, when most don't survive what she had. But I want that witty, bitchy, affectionate and most loving woman back. The woman who hated anyone calling me anything but Alison but called me her little sugar plum fairy. The woman who stayed up all night when I was in my 20's agyer my wisdom teeth op went wrong. The woman who was the first to see my so and then phoned everyone in the wee hours to boast that she was a Gwanny or Nanu as she most proud to be called. Yes, there is no doubt we had a fiery and complicated relationship like most mothers and daughters but she was the first person I went to. 

I find it hard to know that she is still there and every now and again, she has a flash of who she was and that's great. 

But our lives changed - the whole family's, when she had that stroke and we all had to grow up. And I'm not sure I wanted to. 

Anyway, I miss my mom. But I still have her. 

Love and life Shapers

My Nana and my Nhandi have a birthday today. They can't celebrate in person with me.... but I can certainly celebrate on their behalf - so I will. I am celebrating their life, what they meant to me, what they did for me.

I wrote a little bit, a while ago, in a book about how we are shaped and fashioned by what we love - it's a quote by Goethe and most definitely one of my favourite quotes. And maybe now it's time it made it onto my blog. I wrote it while watching TheBear play tennis.

01/11/2014

"We are shaped and fashioned by what we love" - Goethe

One of my favourite quotes. I've always took it to mean that the people and thing I love make up who I am. But what do I love? The obvious: my family, friends, they all apply. But does the smell of hot espresso coffee, freshly baked rolls, the sea all combined, shape who I am. Yes, I think it does. It must do.

Because that is the smell of Sea Point for me, which is being with my Nana. It's the smell of part of my childhood, it's a smell of happiness. And your childhood must shape who you are today. Regardless of if you use it to excuse it for the adult  you are, or if  you choose to just think 'Man, that's how life was' and thus learn and grow. I do believe you should use every experience to your advantage. So if you had a crap start, then make damn sure your middle and ending is awesome. Don't blame the kid you were, or had to be, for the adult you are. But back to my smell...

When I occasionally find that combo of smell, I inhale it with all of my being, all of the lung capacity I can. My heart swells a bit and I am happy. I am happy I had that time that shaped me. An awesome and amazing childhood full of love and laughter.

I am not an ogre, nor a witch. I'm a mostly happy soul who has been ever so fortunate to have had lots of love to shape me.

Did those four women in my family try to mould me, shape me? Hell yes! But because all of them tried in different ways, I like to think that I'm the best of all four of them. Grannie's homeliness, Nana's lady likeness, Mommy's strongness and Catty's drive. From all of them: emotion and heart. From all of them I got a unique sense of humour and from my dad, strength with words, compassion and wit. I'm the best of 5 people that were the centre of my universe for the first 16 years of my life. It HAS to have shaped me.

From Nhandi, I got so much.... I got my soul sister.

To add on from that... as the years go by.... I realise that the book '5 people you meet in Heaven' is just so spot on. You meet people who you realise change a little bit of who you are for the better. Or influence your life in a way that it changes. It's a good thing and I come to the end of this year and I know that I am quite happy with the person who I am. Yes, I'm a little over the place, I struggle to keep in contact with people, and so on. But never mind circumstances, who I am is quite alright. My Nana would be proud of me, that's pretty much all I ever wanted from her. Weirdly, the older I get, the more I realise how much I am like her. How we all were like each other.

6,7,8

To continue:

6.) Because my bed is toasty and warm in the mornings.

7.) Because when I was at my very worse: my grumpiest to date: in agony and miserable: I got King of the Hill to laugh at and much sympathy. ThisBear is most considerate.

8.) Because giggles are infectious and I'm being taught pokery stuff.

This list is not exhaustive.

Coffee and salad
Skips and treats
Kisses for cats
Smooth like feets

Broadwalk and giggles
Cities that are near
Cards and biltong
Angelo's a dear

Tournaments abound
With Spurlettas and sthuff
Music and guitars
Bellies which are buff

Dogs

I think I'm complex some of the time but today maybe not so much. Hmmm blog for another time: why do we all think we're complex? 

Anyway after a night of no sleep and pain from the mouth. I've woken up like a cat with a sore head. I'm fairly grumpy, only one coffee in me and not the one I wanted. 

And while driving, I see a chocolate labordor with a stick in it's mouth, tail happily wagging. It's made me smile. And perk up. 

Hooray for dogs and their happy ways. 

Reckon a bear would have had the same effect. 

Brighton is awesome like bears are

To say I really like Brighton, would be like saying a pig loves slop. Just to give you an indication. Not that I am a pig, or that Brighton is slop. 

I love the vibe. No matter the time of year, it has a vibe that cannot be bottled. The buskers are just that little more better and funkier than your average seaside town. The people are just a little more colourful than the average city dweller. Not as jaded as London, not as quiet as Cardiff. 

Yesh! I like Brighton. I like the shops, I like the sea, I like the sunshiney time I have - even when the sun refuses to come out. It smells like Eastbourne, it's weird like Hastings, it's energising like London can be and pretty like Cape Town (it needs a mountain, Brighton does). 

Brighton rocks.....although I didn't see any!