Couple of things

Today is day 100 of my lockdown. And I have quite a bit to show for it I think. I have added knowledge. I have had time to think, to reflect, to plan and to write. I've made a couple of new friends - which is bizarre since I haven't been out. I have been able to work from home, when I never thought that would be a possibility.

Most importantly, I've been able to face some facts, expand on my knowledge, and have the time to process all these new revelations. I have come to acknowledge how different men and women truly are.

I'm convinced I've put on weight, even though the scales tell me different. I'm rested - no longer do I have bags under my eyes from running here there and everywhere.

I knew a long time ago, that I am a fixer. I take on a person, do the maximum I can to help them on their journey and then they move on to what they want. I've finally come to terms with it. I've had the time to come to terms with it. It's not a bad thing. People get happy.

I've danced, oh how I've danced. Making my body remember moves I never thought I'd be able to do again, I'm truly a flexible being - body and soul wise. I've opened myself up to music I didn't think I'd like - I don't mind owning up to that - Falling by that Harry Styles is just beautiful (and poignant to how I feel right now).

And I've had the courage to deactivate certain parts of social media and what a relief that is. I like having information, but some of it just makes my heart sore so it's better for me that I don't have that poking around right now.

2020 might well be a write off as far as events and stuff happening goes...but in my brain, 2020 is all about me and my worth and self care. It's been all about how I can act on the lessons I learnt when I went away in 2018 & 2019, it's been about my future plans and where I want to go.

I desperately wish that in 13 days I was off to Hyde Park but that wasn't in my destiny right now. Maybe it never will be. Maybe we won't jump up and down to 'Alive' together but that's okay.

I believe there is more to write, more chapters to have. But the book is being closed for now.

My 100 days - I've done more than alright.

Feeling good

Yesterday, I took the plunge and put on some shoes. Now, I have many shoes so it was hard to choose a pair that would be walking me out of 'indoors'. I didn't really want to play favourites but I figured the high heels would have to wait, on came the trainers. And off I trotted.

To see my parents. I've been away before, only contact via video calling so I know what a reunion after 3/4 months looks like. It's grand. I'm so close to my parents, so seeing them is very much a part of my life.

And my mom didn't know, so she got the biggest surprise and was overwhelmed and then we were crying... and for a brief minute she was my mom of old. Loved it.

We spoke and laughed and ate meringues - for Father's Day *top tip - don't start making meringues at 10pm.

Dad loved his gifts and I came away with my soul absolutely singing. Which had only a little bit to do with the cider I was drinking.

And isn't that the thing? The pull of your people to help with your brain.  To make you smile and fill up your heart.

I can be alone, I know this, but I also need folk around me who speak to inner me. The people which my soul recognises as ones to gravitate to. I'm truly lucky to have family like that. I'm doubly lucky in that I have friends like that too.

I'm not sure what was so special about that summer, but I look to that circle I was in then.....and maybe it's where I formed formative bonds or where I started to learn about myself and what I believed in. But that circle has stayed with me. I know I am greatly loved still. And that's a hell of a statement to make. That there is 30 years of history - of good and bad - and yet I'm still able to pick up every single time and be loved and cherished and have the best of all the best times. To be known for all that I am.

You can talk about fate and if it's valid, if it's true. I'm sure it's more to do with souls. Because when I see that circle, it's like mine breathes a sigh of relief, it doesn't have to hold anything back. We can just be in that moment, safe and happy. And the hours spent (either on the phone or face to face), whizz by, no topic is left unturned, words are not kept in check.

This is a bit of a mushy blog. Maybe leaving the house was a momentous occasion (oh yes it was).

However, it's always good to step back and take stock of your people. To be grateful you have them willing you to be awesome. To just have them.

And that circle from my youth... that circle that still has my back? I don't know when I'll see them again. It should have been in two weeks time, but #worldlockdown. But there will come a day when I will. Until then, video will have to do. And the hugs will be tighter and stronger when we meet again.

 

It's Day 90

It's day 90 of my shielding, my lockdown. That's the time I spent in India.

And I think it's time to go out, to extend my 'bubble' in current terminology.

The shops opened up this week and as much as I love admiring the 'pretties' on the shelves, I had zero inclination to leave my house. After all, I have Amazon. :)

So my mindset has shifted. I'm no longer chomping at the bit to buy up a storm. I wouldn't mind a chai latte in my local coffee shop, spending hours talking with friends over various drinks. Btu shopping, nah.

What else has changed? I'm emotional normally, but not the crying part of it. I'm crying at the drop of a tissue at the moment. It's always good to get a good cry out so I'm not too concerned. Just got to remember to hydrate.

I've had moments of pure clarity. In the times before, I used to get flashes here and there on how my instincts were going. They have now developed into absolute conviction. And I'm loving it. I'm loving that I have taken off the rose tinted specs and put them to one side - high up on a shelf - and I'm seeing things as they are.

I can say with certainty that I shall not entertain romantic relationships for the foreseeable future. There is no point, I tend to lose pieces of myself. And I don't want to do that anymore, until I don't. I try far too hard to keep people happy while sacrificing my own personal joy. That's completely my doing. So until that gets sorted out, I'm happiest on my own.

A year ago, I went on a tourist hop on hop off bus around Johannesburg. I learnt so much, I was humbled and speechless. I was coming to the end of my Pretoria placement. I had just over a month left. I think I started my personal journey to where I am now, over there. Maybe it started in Goa the year before. Being alone on a beach, shouting insanely at the waves, cleared whatever cobwebs I had going on.

I'm here now, I have plans.

This weekend, I leave the house.