It's Day 90

It's day 90 of my shielding, my lockdown. That's the time I spent in India.

And I think it's time to go out, to extend my 'bubble' in current terminology.

The shops opened up this week and as much as I love admiring the 'pretties' on the shelves, I had zero inclination to leave my house. After all, I have Amazon. :)

So my mindset has shifted. I'm no longer chomping at the bit to buy up a storm. I wouldn't mind a chai latte in my local coffee shop, spending hours talking with friends over various drinks. Btu shopping, nah.

What else has changed? I'm emotional normally, but not the crying part of it. I'm crying at the drop of a tissue at the moment. It's always good to get a good cry out so I'm not too concerned. Just got to remember to hydrate.

I've had moments of pure clarity. In the times before, I used to get flashes here and there on how my instincts were going. They have now developed into absolute conviction. And I'm loving it. I'm loving that I have taken off the rose tinted specs and put them to one side - high up on a shelf - and I'm seeing things as they are.

I can say with certainty that I shall not entertain romantic relationships for the foreseeable future. There is no point, I tend to lose pieces of myself. And I don't want to do that anymore, until I don't. I try far too hard to keep people happy while sacrificing my own personal joy. That's completely my doing. So until that gets sorted out, I'm happiest on my own.

A year ago, I went on a tourist hop on hop off bus around Johannesburg. I learnt so much, I was humbled and speechless. I was coming to the end of my Pretoria placement. I had just over a month left. I think I started my personal journey to where I am now, over there. Maybe it started in Goa the year before. Being alone on a beach, shouting insanely at the waves, cleared whatever cobwebs I had going on.

I'm here now, I have plans.

This weekend, I leave the house.