Grief

I saw this today...a quotation:

"Grief does not change you, it reveals you" - John Green

And it just resonated with me. Made me think 'yes, that's exactly what grief has done for me/to me".

I've always considered myself a bit of an open book, don't often keep secrets about myself (other people's secrets I'm good with though). But there's parts of me I've not really embraced so much. I've been the person who would rather grin and bear than cause a fuss.

But since Mom (to an extent) and Nhandi (definitely) I've been more confrontational. I speak up when something is bothering me and I say my piece. In all honesty, a lot doesn't bother me so much - I'm still very much go with the flow and don't sweat the small stuff. BUT when something does grate on my last nerve, I now speak up.

I'm also more truthful to myself. I'm not talking myself into anything, I'm not 100% sure about. I used to do that a lot. For example society dictates that a nice person, a person who is good to animals and children and yourself should be someone you like. However, if there's no real spark, why talk yourself into a coffee date? That would be stupid - yet something I have done. Because, everyone said 'oh he's lovely', 'oh he adores you'. Well, you know I HATE that damn pedestal and I also dislike people telling me what to do. For too long, I've just 'fallen' into decisions. This 'me' - who I am now, doesn't do that. And it's great... so there you go Grief, you've done something nice for a change.

Grief also managed to un-tint those famous rose-tinted glasses of mine, that really loved seeing everything in 'happy ever after' colour and 'fairytale' hues. I have managed to cut myself off from unhappy people and people who made me doubt myself and therefore be unhappy. (Because I like to be smily, shiny and happy) And compound on my resolution from years back which was to unsurround myself from people who brought me down. Who made their moods mine. Meh, no more.

The man I like now, gives me that spark, gives me that "oooh" - there is no doubt and I certainly did not have to talk myself into this at all. I liked him, I got him, I'm keeping him (until he no longer wishes to be kept). I don't have to keep myself to myself, I can say how I'm feeling. How I want to feel.  No going along with the flow - although I do like his decision making prowess (so very good at it). ;)

So grief has not changed me I don't think, but it's certainly made me more of who I am.

I'd still rather have my mother and my best friend as they were though....- with that said - I think maybe I've taken on a bit more of their 'fiesty'. That's cool.