Grief

I saw this today...a quotation:

"Grief does not change you, it reveals you" - John Green

And it just resonated with me. Made me think 'yes, that's exactly what grief has done for me/to me".

I've always considered myself a bit of an open book, don't often keep secrets about myself (other people's secrets I'm good with though). But there's parts of me I've not really embraced so much. I've been the person who would rather grin and bear than cause a fuss.

But since Mom (to an extent) and Nhandi (definitely) I've been more confrontational. I speak up when something is bothering me and I say my piece. In all honesty, a lot doesn't bother me so much - I'm still very much go with the flow and don't sweat the small stuff. BUT when something does grate on my last nerve, I now speak up.

I'm also more truthful to myself. I'm not talking myself into anything, I'm not 100% sure about. I used to do that a lot. For example society dictates that a nice person, a person who is good to animals and children and yourself should be someone you like. However, if there's no real spark, why talk yourself into a coffee date? That would be stupid - yet something I have done. Because, everyone said 'oh he's lovely', 'oh he adores you'. Well, you know I HATE that damn pedestal and I also dislike people telling me what to do. For too long, I've just 'fallen' into decisions. This 'me' - who I am now, doesn't do that. And it's great... so there you go Grief, you've done something nice for a change.

Grief also managed to un-tint those famous rose-tinted glasses of mine, that really loved seeing everything in 'happy ever after' colour and 'fairytale' hues. I have managed to cut myself off from unhappy people and people who made me doubt myself and therefore be unhappy. (Because I like to be smily, shiny and happy) And compound on my resolution from years back which was to unsurround myself from people who brought me down. Who made their moods mine. Meh, no more.

The man I like now, gives me that spark, gives me that "oooh" - there is no doubt and I certainly did not have to talk myself into this at all. I liked him, I got him, I'm keeping him (until he no longer wishes to be kept). I don't have to keep myself to myself, I can say how I'm feeling. How I want to feel.  No going along with the flow - although I do like his decision making prowess (so very good at it). ;)

So grief has not changed me I don't think, but it's certainly made me more of who I am.

I'd still rather have my mother and my best friend as they were though....- with that said - I think maybe I've taken on a bit more of their 'fiesty'. That's cool. 

To CG

Today you are 16

Legal for some

Things you mustn’t do

Today you are 16

As gorgeous as ever

As funny as people falling over are

As tall as a Neck.

I know you think I’m silly

And sometimes a twit

But always know it comes from

The best part of me

Which is love for you.

Please don’t forget

Your roots, your family,

The people who champion you most.

We might not be the ones who ‘get’ you

But we’ll be the ones who catch you.

(if you ever fall)

Please remain amazing

My Prune, my lamppost

My joy, my funny CeeGee.

Enjoy the year ahead,

So full of new things.

Enjoy making memories

And having adventures.

Laugh until you cry

Cry until you laugh

Love until you burst with joy

Live fabulously.

AJG – 27.02.14

24 Feb.... a day I will always remember and always hold dear. A day I shall remember as being the day of 'freaky' train rides, The Lost Boys, bunking youth, cheese toasties and best friendships. The day of 1313. Nhandi and Ali. And today was no different. I still looked for a message from her and I think I just got one. 

On the 24th Feb, many moons ago, Nhands and I bunked youth and became best friends (after another freaky moment) @ 10.05 pm. Tonight I was sitting in my car, waiting for CG to finish Scouts and it was around 8pm (which is 10pm in South Africa), so I put on my itunes thingie onto the song her and I were singing all those many years ago. And I had a good old weep/giggle to it. And mentally toasted us, while looking up at the stars.

Then I put my music on random shuffle as I was determined not to cry   - even though, at this point, I was sobbing loudly into a tissue (I'm SUCH an attractive creature).

Now I have well over 1000 songs in my iTunes collection so this is why I consider it a sign: The second song that comes on is Guns 'n Roses (ah the irony does NOT escape me at all) and "Don't Cry". And for the first time, I truly listened to the lyrics (see below). Maybe I AM reading too much into it, but actually that's what I need to do at this point.

So now I'm having my lukewarm Cinzano (because that's how we drunk it) and lemonade and toasting a best friendship, I was so very blessed to have. 




Don't Cry

Talk to me softly
There's something in your eyes
Don't hang your head in sorrow
And please don't cry
I know how you feel inside I've
I've been there before
Somethin's changin' inside you
And don't you know

Don't you cry tonight
I still love you baby
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight

Give me a whisper
And give me a sigh
Give me a kiss before you
tell me goodbye
Don't you take it so hard now
And please don't take it so bad
I'll still be thinkin' of you
And the times we had...baby

And don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight

And please remember that I never lied
And please remember
how I felt inside now honey
You gotta make it your own way
But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow
Come the morning light now baby

And don't you cry tonight
An don't you cry tonight
An don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight
Baby maybe someday
Don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry
Tonight

Rain Rain go away..

My feet are squelchy. I don’t even think I have leaks in my shoes – I did think I did, but now I think it’s just the constant rain that makes everything feel moist and disgusting. It is like I’m growing a layer of moss on my soles. I just feel damp all the time. *snigger*

And I do realise, that there are other parts of the country, that have it far worse than us in the south east and for that I’m truly grateful. But I’m growing sick of the wet, the wind, the miserable weather we are having. Granted, I prefer it to snow and ice and bad driving and general proper Winter weather, but it’s weary, this rain.

And it’s a little bit depressing. I find myself dreaming of sun drenched beaches, with white sand and crystal waters, where the heat sinks through into your bones. Where you stretch like a cat as the sun warms you up from the inside out. And you can’t stop smiling because you’re warm and happy and did I say warm…..

If I didn’t have to go anywhere, it would be fine. Life would be all about central heating, hot chocolates, coffee, maple syrup, pancakes and bacon. It would be about snuggling in my bed with my bear to keep me warm (yes I have a bear, yes he keeps me warm). It would be all about good food and great company. It would be about laughing because planking tickles, Angels can’t speak English and India appears to be in the deep south.

And as I’m writing this, I think ‘aaaah it’s not so bad as Winter’s go’. I guess I’m just tired of my footwear having a squelch.