People

I was talking today about my blog and how I try to give 'names' to the people I mention. They have their own names, that their parents gave them obviously but because I don't go around asking 'Do you mind if I a) write about you and b) what name do you wish me to use?", I tend to give them names that are of my own making. I sometimes even do this in real life. Most of my close friends know who 'Fish' is. Even 'Fish' knows who 'Fish' is. *I'm not sure the blog has been introduced to Fish, but maybe when I'm feeling bold*

So naturally the team I work with, were curious about their names. I had to confess I hadn't written about them. Imagine, these are people I spend the majority of my week with and yet, they haven't been mentioned. Oh the horror of it all. And here you have it, the really lovely team I work with. It's important to get on with your team at work, I think so. I like to like my team, because they're the people I want to help and who I want to help me. They're the folk I want to have a cracking time with at the Christmas meal and who if I'm feeling crappy of a day, they'll be concerned enough to enquire and vice versa. If I've had a good thing happen, I'd like them to share that joy. You get the picture.

So in no particular order *names subject to change*

First off we have the epitome in style - I think I might call her Grace Kelly. When I first got introduced to her, I likened her, to my aunt, as being like my Nana. The inflections in her voice, the can-do and no-nonsense attitude, the dress sense. This lady is a lady - no question about it. She oozes great dress sense and grace and fantastic taste in bags.
Then we have The Rock - not to be likened to him of a wrestling nature but more because she's just stable in all senses of the words and I know that on any given day, no matter what, I'm getting the same from her. The same treatment. Now the Rock and I seem to share the same sense of wacky humour. I love that.
Moving on and this is the tricky one, I want to call her Little Miss Sunshine but also Bee. I think I'll go for Bee... she's blonde, she's bubbly, she's beyond funny, she's buzzly (fizzy). Quite honestly, she's bonkers too!

Actually quick interject, I've just realised something about my team. We're all really honest people. Straight talkers who are a good honest bunch. I had been working with the same people for so long and I wasn't really sure how to take this new 'crew' but they're good.
I'll continue once I've given more thought to names... there's quite a few to go!

Day 365

I've written so many sad things about how I miss Nhandi, but how about, on this the 365th day of her passing, I write about what made me love her. Happy things you know... instead of the whole 'my heart is breaking' sh*te.

You see Nhandi and I shouldn't have been friends. I had been quite jealous of her a few months previous. My best friend had chosen to go out with Nhandi over a weekend, they were in the same class (different school to me). So I had my hackles up over this girl already. And I did not want to like her.

I can't remember why Mel and I went to the Saloon that day - there were probably boys involved who might have been there - can't even remember who the boys where or if they were there but I'm assuming boys were the attraction to a pool hall with pizza place attached.

Anyway, we walked into this place and there was Nhandi and her best friend Julie. We eyed each up over a pool table and circled each other warily. About an hour later, we ended up going to the toilet at the same time (it's a chick thing) and she whispered 'S is like soooo into you, I can just see it' and she hugged me. And history was made...that was it pure and simple. We became inseparable. Now the greatest thing about Nhandi, was that she included you straight away into your life (a bit like I did), we shared the same values. You got our trust until you broke it. Then you never got it fully again. Maybe we stayed best friends because our trust in each other was never broken. Oh we got annoyed with each other but we never broke our trust. And she was my staunchest supporter.

So this Jewish girl and I became friends, two days later and we realised we were both disgusting with beer. One bottle and boom! we were tipsy (not much changed, we never developed a love for the stuff). I'll never forget the train home that day. Sitting on the floor of the train renaming ALL the stations from Muizenberg to Stuurhof and cackling with laughter at how they flowed. I remember thinking 'I love this chick' as 14 year olds do... she had the same sense of humour, the same outlook, same insecurities as I did. I think when you are that age, you click on very quickly, who is just humouring you and who 'just gets you'.

And then she met LBW - and the three of us became tight. There was none of that 3's a crowd thing with us - we just did it all together. LBW got drunk, Nhandi cleaned her up, I laughed. That was the order of the day. Sometimes roles swapped a bit. Okay a lot... our roles intertwined. And then came the Clovelly part of our friendship - CLAN. We scrawled it everywhere. We did things that will probably go to my grave with me. We bunked youth, we smoked cigarettes, we discovered an intense love of Cinzano. Chipped teeth, bobs in Kalk bay, how every trip on 3rds, she'd end up protecting me from some dude trying to cut my hair - now I've seen pictures from those times, I still don't get why it was my hair they were after and not hers. Her family became mine and mine became hers. My Nana did meals around what Nhandi could eat and what Nhandi wanted to eat. We got ill at the same time (not surprising) and had mothers that fussed - I get it now, only children are special. She had a door we could write on, I had an aunt that would let us smoke.

And when I moved to PE, she'd come up on holiday or I'd come to Cape Town, we would make tapes of us talking and singing - I can't listen to them at the moment but I will. She was there when I had my first heartbreak and vice versa. She was there when Connor had his first taste of calamari. She was there when my Nana died. She has just always been there. So it's hard to know that I'm going through life on my own now. Well, not on my own, but without her. It's hard to go through my life without her.

However, I do not regret a single minute she was in my life. And I know I'll go through my life missing her vibrancy, her zest, her laugh out loudness, her smile.

1313

A year ago

A year ago, my best friend was fighting for her life and in 8 and a half hours, she would lose the battle. 

A year ago, my best friend was alive and I thought that come August we'd be swilling tequila, and laughing so much.  That didn't happen. 

A year ago, I had a best friend that would answer when we spoke. Now it's just me doing the talking. 

A year ago, I knew there was someone out there who knew me as well as I knew myself. Who was the person that loved me for every little thing I had done. Who was honest with me. Who had known me forever and yet still never lost any love for me. 

And in the 365 days since we lost our beautiful girl, our shining sparkly angel, the hurt has not magically disappeared. The tears have not been dried from our cheeks and the hole she has left in our hearts has not been filled. We can dream that she's still with us, but when we wake, the nightmare returns. 

I miss Nhandi so much. I miss her knowing my every mood. And how by what I said, she knew what I meant. 

We were the sisters we chose for ourselves. We were closer than people liked. And although a whole hemisphere separated us, we retained that closeness. 

I thought we had all the time in the world, I thought we'd be old together. 

I miss you. A year passed, but the pain remains. My darling Noodle, my 1313, my angel, you are missed and loved. 

I'm just thinking of words

This week, I came across some old files on my computer... musings of mine. I was thinking of transferring them to here but having read most of them, they are just far too personal. So I won't. But then it got me to thinking that my diary has suffered. No longer do I crack out my diary of a night and write my thoughts onto paper. Nope, now I do it on the go, I bring up a note folder on my phone, I take a notebook out of my bag, or I sit down at the nearest PC (normally my own, not a strangers, that would be strange) and put my thoughts through that medium. But I scream for a bit of order. I have no idea how to put all these things into one place. My diaries (1984-present) are in books, in a suitcase, in the loft. I know where they are. But these snippets of myself that are electronically stored (or notebooked) are just in files. I don't like that. Part of me thinks I should print them all out and bind them in a book and put them in the loft.

I'm not sure why I have this need to preserve them. I suppose that it's quite possible that I've read far too many Apocalypse/Zombie books....that quite possibly, I think that they could be a blueprint or a survival guide for the future. However, I'm quite sure that in the event of a complete fall out of humankind, the little and last survivors are not going to be hunting around a loft wondering where my words of 2011 went. Still, they might need some light relief from a day foraging for food and killing zombies. And then of course, my mind goes on a tangent of it's own and I'm seriously considering (just in case, one never knows), putting a disclaimer on the loft that these are not history books. Hmmm well they are in a way, they are my history

I suppose one could describe them as a blueprint for the most emotional, clumsy woman of the world.

Where's my blink?

Today I had an headache. It was a bastard of one. It started yesterday, cunningly hovered for a few hours and then slept for a bit. Boom! This morning, bright and early, it was back with a vengeance. But you know, my life doesn't stop because my head is sore. It's Saturday and there are things to do. So while I wanted most desperately to encase myself in my duvet and drown out the day in my bed, what I ended up doing was ferrying CG back and forth from scuba diving. Two coffees I needed to do that. And then HB and Jlo decided it was a Saturday for coffee and so after taking CG to a friend, off I trotted to my favourite little coffee shop. Another two coffee's down the hatch and I was feeling tip top. Little bit manic (as I'd had some coca cola too) it has to be said. But the raging head had gone. Maybe it wasn't the slightly strong coffee, maybe it was just taking CG to something he loved, maybe it was the good old laugh I had with my friends but it had slunk off. And then they scampered off for shopping and I stayed in the coffee shop.

It really is my favourite - maybe because it's not a chain, maybe because it has pretty kitchen ware that I'd love to own. Possibly because the average age is about 124 and therefore I'm a spring chicken. Whatever. I like it there.

And so then I met another friend (blog name to be decided) and another two coffees went down my throat. Tipped over the edge. It was like having the last tequila of a night out. You know it's probably not sensible but you can't think of another option. You don't want to go home just yet, you're having a fab time and you reckon it's the only thing that will quench your thirst. 5pm was the last time I think I had a blink. You know, when your eyes open and shut? They've been on stalks ever since (it's 11.32pm now). I'm tired, I know I am, but I physically cannot shut my eyes. They just boing open when I try. Or one closes and the other goes 'NOPE, I have things to see'. I'm also typing the fastest I ever have!

Picked CG up from friends at 6pm and we went to the supermarket. It seemed that he was really slow, he says I was shopping in fast forward - normally I struggle to keep up with his long legs, but oh no, on those lattés I was steaming ahead like the shops were about to close on Christmas Eve, and you've yet to buy a present for your nearest and dearest (although how near and dear are they really, if it's Christmas Eve and you've not bought one little gift yet?).

When do you get the comedown from the caffeine? Normally this consumption is when I've not had any sleep, burnt the candles right down the middle so I'm unused to feeling this awake.

Pressing the 'post' button now...without so much of an edit. Caffeine clearly makes me reckless. ;)