It's a bit early

It really is a bit too early to do NYResolutions and stuff. But I'm reflecting over the year I've just had and I think finally, I've cracked how to do the resolution lark. Although, can't recall making any when I was younger.
See, what you do is you think of all the things you want to do and then you just do them. OR you just say yes to every positive experience. You just say F88k it. I wonder if that's a 'coming of age' thing?
It's well documented (by myself) that I don't like confrontation, yet today someone did something that involved me and they included me when I had not said that they could. Instead of bitching behind their back or just seething inside, I said 'NO! I'm not happy about the way you just assumed I would want my name attached to this. I don't'. And while, tomorrow might be a tad uncomfy in the work place. I'm happy for me that I did this. I think it's a step in the right direction.

Now, I don't know what people think of me. I assume some think I'm great and others don't. That's the nature of life, some folk like you and others don't. But, I've always wanted to be liked. I've never understood people who really don't like me, that haven't given me the chance. Weirdly, people who I don't particularly like, I've wanted them to like me as well. However, at this precise moment in time, I'm really not bothered who does and who doesn't. Another coming of age? Maybe it's the whole 'approaching a landmark age'.

I think it stems from the man I've finally untethered from my heart. It probably comes from a Nhandi place too. And it definitely is from going to SA this year. The people I WANT in my life are where I want them to be (bar Nhandi and my mom). I don't mean physically, in my ideal world, we'd all be a helluva lot closer.

I'm so very aware that my aunt is the last one standing on women who have been in my life who I adore and who helped form who I am. So while I'm terrified of losing her - I know that's a long time away and therefore I must get over it. Quite simply. There is no need for me to freak out about this or anything that hasn't yet occured.

Essentially, I have the people in my life who I want to be there. And of course there is room for new people to enter it.

Yes, life is good, but only as long as I make it so. I am the mistress of my own destination. And I plan to enjoy the ride while I get there.

musings at 2am

So I got my first tattoo in August. It was one Nhandi and I designed together. We were going to get it done together but obviously life decided against that and I had to get it on my own.

It was seriously VERY painful and I doubt I'll ever have another one but you know, it's 2.35am, I'm a little intoxicated and quite honestly, it's the thing that got me through the night. How bizarre is that?

I went out for a friend's birthday...not any old friend - my Nhandi in England friend - on the 11 month that Nhandi has left us. And in moments that I was alone I looked at the tattoo and put my lips to it.

I didn't think an engraving on my skin would have that much effect. I really didn't. But it did. It does.

Oh blog dear blog

Must make more of an effort. Ugh, sounds like a school report - no, sounds like ALL my school reports.

Anyway, so I directed a person to a blog post, in reference to a conversation we were having. In turn, to continue another conversation, this person directed me to their web page. And I've just spent the best part of 15 minutes having a browse. Now I am consumed with giggles and embarrassment that I've given the link to my amateur hour word page (no offence dear blog), when their life is filled with so much talent and such.

But this page is mine and I do take ownership of all the words I've written, all the bad spelling and grammatical errors and all the tears I've shed writing it all. Reading back through the pages and how my life has changed! In a mere two years. And with the 11 month anniversary of Nhandi tomorrow, I hope that it changes even more for the better in the months to come. I hate this feeling of emptiness and I know, I do actually know, that she would hate to see me like this. She would not like this. I also know that were the roles reversed, she'd be just as devastated and be wondering when it would all get better. I just feel so redundant - I think that's the word I mean. I just physically cannot make this situation better for her mom, I cannot physically or mentally change how we all feel and I do so hate to not be able to change things I don't like - only child syndrome or just 'mature woman used to getting her own way' <---same difference maybe.

I've gone off onto a different subject than the one I wanted to blog about - why does that always happen to me. I guess there's so much I want to put out there, on here. I want to blog about how I feel in general, I want to say how scared I am that my son is 16 in February and here's his whole future in front of him and have I done enough? Have I been a good enough role model, mother and done my job well. Sometimes I think I must have. Here's this tall teenager who respects me, who hasn't gone off the rails and he's nearly 16. He's a boy I'm forever proud of - except when it's 7.30 in the morning and I can't get him out of bed. Do I wish I could have provided more for him..hell yes! But I think that's normal parenting woes.

Hoping I come back here soonest - I need to write more. My diary is full of blank pages - that's not me....