Rightio

There is actually a lot I want to say. A lot I want to put to paper. A lot I want to vent over. A lot of stuff that I'm being so very childish over. I recognise this and acknowledge it and I'm putting it to one corner. There's a million things zooming around my head and a million things I'm happy for and yet, there's also this burning part of me that wants to kick something so very hard! (this, by the way, is not how I sprained my ankle - I still don't know how I did that)

Nhandi's ashes were laid to rest today. And so I sob. I just feel so bloody damned useless. What would I have done had I lived in Cape Town - a futile exercise as I do not. And there I go, knowing that my actions, my actions in my life, impacted on another. Had I been near her, she would have known she could count on me to be there. She would have known it was okay to be scared, to be able to walk into the unknown. But instead she's not here, to walk with me, she's never going to be again. And the hurt remains. Her life impacted on mine and vice versa. I just can't believe I won't have her for the rest of my life's journey. See, she is still impacting on my life.

I've just deleted a whole blurb thingie on how women shape each other and how I don't think I can bear to lose another.

So on the 19th May, her ashes were laid to rest. Rest now my lovely one. Rest in peace. And I hope we all find the peace you craved and that you now have. But for now, I still want to kick something/someone very hard. Or find a field and scream into it.

Dreaming of stuff and nonsense

Dreams. Are they a window to your brain? If they are, my brain is "insane in the membrane"...to quote a lyric. 

So I have a particulary strange one last night and its bugging me now. The dream dictionary is of no help. Not even in parts. So what is my head telling me? That I'm sad? Mad? Bad? 

I think what I'll do is write is down and see what I can decipher then. Not here, on this page though, just in case you can see into my head. 😉

Hello again

Hi... how're you doing? I've not blogged in a while. Truth be told, I've not put pen to paper either, unless it's for a doodle. I'd like to say it's because I've been ultra busy doing lots of important stuff. But that wouldn't be truthful.  I've been preparing for a new job role which mentally has taken me to places I've not been in many many years. I didn't think or rather, I didn't remember how tough it was on the brain, to sit in a classroom from 9 - 5 and learn something new. And it was. Still no real excuse for my absence.
So why have I been away? Well, I was in danger of putting over all my thoughts of losing my best friend here and I can't frankly do it.... I miss her daily, my heart and soul physically aches with the exertion of missing her. And there's some teenagery stuff I had to sort out in my head regarding my CG. And you know, just everything became such a mission.

Then I realised I missed my blog. This pretty little page of mine has become a part of me. I read past posts and wonder who wrote them... I certainly don't feel like that person. It's quite amazing how a life event changes a person so much. And now it's 100 days (give or take) until my school reunion and I'm absolutely convinced in my head that I'm still EXACTLY the same, but I guess I'm not. In the years since I left SA, I've had some pretty life changing thingies that have happened to me (the first one being leaving SA obv.) Becoming a mother, becoming a single mother, my mom's stroke, other stuff, Nhandi. So how can I possibly be that girl I once was and I think maybe it would be a little sad if I still was, that I hadn't grown at all mentally in 20 years. Thing is, I look back at my diaries and I kind of like that girl. Yes, in my head she was a bit of a cow bag regarding the boy folk (but teenagers should be, it's a law I'm sure) but on a whole.... I was ok. Still, it's a bit nervy when I think of what my school folk will expect and what they will get. I'm quieter now, I know that, I'm also taller (double whoop), and my teeth are no longer squiff - yip, braces didn't work at all, but having a full set of wisdoms coming through, closed that gap!

I'm an idiot, I started this blog with the intention of saying hello and oh look I sprained my ankle and I don't know how.... and yet here is this whole other thing that's on my mind. That makes me amused. A lot.

Not so guilty pleasure