It is what it is

I said something to my friend G the other day, that has kind of stuck in my head and refused to budge.

I said to him "It's a shame that as teenagers, we wanted what was bigger, better, brighter and didn't realise how good we actually had it".

Maybe that's just how I was. But I can admit that I did feel that way. I felt (especially in the PE) years that I just wanted to get out and away. That the grass was greener, the world was wider and the opportunities for EXCITEMENT so much greater than in the little world of Port Elizabeth. And as an adult, I know that not to be the case.

In fact, can I just put it out there that I'm not even sure why I thought that way because fast forward some 18 years later and where am I? In a town FAR smaller than the city of Port Elizabeth, where excitement hasn't been seen since 1066. Where admittedly, the grass IS greener - but only because it rains so flipping much and the only wide-ness of the world I've seen, is a size 22 woman stuffing her body into leggings and her face full of McD's. Harsh? Possibly. (and not even true, I've been places dammit!) :o)

So tonight, I went to my diaries - the oracle of how I was feeling 'back in the day' and it turns out, I knew myself better then, than I do now! I WAS happy and content but I think the expectation of my generation was to do things differently to our parents, who married young and stayed put. My parents bucked the trend and I think that's what I thought I wanted to do. But my diaries show a girl who was happy being the big fish in the little pond, the girl who was so happy to be in love with life and boys and social life.

Very tellingly (I think) in March of 1992 I write "I am so lucky to have what I have, I am so blessed to be where I am, I am so grateful for my life, my family, my friends and *the boy*. And I hope this stays like this forever". Why did I think that wasn't enough? Granted, I was 18 and thought I knew better!

And as I write this, I am so conscious of doing the same thing to CG as my parents did to me:
"Go see the world, forge new experiences, live the life". To be fair though, I was always meant to only do that for a year. My head did imagine: a year of travelling and going wild, then going home, getting a job, marrying.... circumstances dictated that my gap year lasted oh ever so slightly longer (until now) and as a result, I've never gone home or got married (is that my subconscious at work?). Thankfully I did get a job! ;)

Reading the diaries, I kind of want to shake my 18yr old self and say 'oh you silly girl, stop letting everyone else interfere in how you think/feel/live'. But then I wouldn't be here, and here is where CG was created and my life would not have been worth a single thing if I hadn't have had him.

Fate - she's a crafty little old thing.