Lump of Love

A person read my blog and told me it was sad. I know it has been but it hasn't always been that way. So I made a decison to combat happy with not so happy. And recently I have been thinking about love and the love we have for different people. So if I'm thinking about it, why not blog about it.

I'm not talking about family love or friend love, I'm talking slushy, gooey, attraction type love. And I think I don't subscribe to the 'you only get one love' theory. I think you get a few who prepare you for future loves. I believe that you get different people to love, to guide you to your heart. Because if I look back, I have loved more than one person. I've been falling in love for quite some time. And while, I wouldn't call every one of them epic loves, they are people I've envisaged a future with. You know played the 'what if' game.

My first love was in my humble opinion the one I've based every one who followed, against. Rightly or wrongly. In truth, with that wonderful thing called hindsight, I've probably been setting myself up for fall after fall because nothing ever compares to that first love. In my defence however, with that first love person, I've gone away and come back and fallen into a different kind of love with him over the years. With each beating of my heart, I've fallen differently because of the previous loves. I've grown more cautious with my lump of love.

He's special to me and will remain so because he was my first love. When I believed in happy ever afters and  love conquering all boundaries. It doesn't. Love requires a ton of work and an acceptance that life doesn't run smoothly just because there is love. So he is special to me. I don't think I am to him but then men and woman are so very different in this regard.

I can move onto my little loves. People I loved for a season or three - but because of timing and circumstances didn't work out. Not in a bad way. It just didn't happen for us. I still remember them fondly and am grateful that they showed me their souls.

Do I regret any of the men I fell in love with? Only one. And not the one everyone assumes I do. The one I regret is the one that changed me completely - and I didn't want to be changed. The one I stuck out for 3 years because I didn't know what else to do. The one who ruined me really. Physically and mentally. And it was only last night when I was talking to MooMoo that I realised that I've pretty much blocked out those years. That I don't talk about him, I don't talk about how I loved him and how much I hated myself. I look back and I don't recognise myself - it doesn't compute to who I was before and after. It's like that person was a friend I should have kicked into shape. Luckily my mother did. My mom saved me of that I have no doubt. And I'll be eternally grateful, as I was able to move on, meet the father of CG and have the most beautiful child a person could have.

Am I ready to love another - this is the question I routinely ask myself. I don't even know if I want to. I'm quite happy plodding along. But I do get a little twinge, when I realise I'm going to my high school reunion with nobody by my side as my significant other. Why does that bother me so much? Maybe because the majority have done that side of life successfully - and we all like to be seen as doing the 'normal' thing?