Every year since 1989 this has been the case. This year, I don't have a number to text or phone, an email address to write to, nor a wall to post a comment on. This year, I can say "Happy 1313" until I'm blue in the face but the person who it's directed to, will not hear it, will not respond, will not say it back.
The funny (not really) thing is: I kind of knew it was going to be a pretty crap day but didn't anticipate the hurt bowling over and punching me in the gut like it has. I thought I'd gotten used the gut busting freight train of grief that sucker punches me. But no, I'm coming to terms that just when I think I'm dealing with my emotions, I get a new wave of sadness that hurts in a different way. I appear to be moving between the 5 stages of grief from 5 to 1 to 2 back to 1.
24 years of best friendship - it should be something to really celebrate, to recognise, to be joyful about. Yet, I'm crying again. Because she's not here. I'm sad because we never got to say goodbye, to seriously celebrate together, how far we'd come in our lives yet STILL had the most epic and amazing friendship. I'm sobbing because I miss her so much and because this was the one date of the year where we harked back to our teenage years and cried with embarrassment over how amazingly silly we were. This is the one day of the year which was ours.
This day in 1989 didn't start off in any special way. It was a school day but also a Friday and Nhandi was sleeping over. She arrived on the train, again nothing different to any other weekend. We bunked Youth Club - we were 14 and had other plans. So we got onto another train and went to Plumstead to a friend's house. To watch a video (VHS - it was 1989), The Lost Boys. I had seen it before but we had both agreed it wasn't terribly great. However, on this night it just captured us and we were loving it. Other stuff happened, like dancing in the lounge to Now That's What I call Music whatever - it was on vinyl and our boyfriends were there (special ones) and we danced with them. Again, nothing out of the ordinary really. Just two teenage girls, bunking off youth for boys. We ran like bats out of hell to get the train back to Youth. And we made it, giggling and asthmatic, falling onto the train at the last second. We were so full of life and laughter. I remember we pulled the window down and stuck our heads out of it (madness now I'm an adult) and at exactly 10.05pm on 24.02.89, we both started singing one of the songs from The Lost Boys. It was just such a connection. We didn't even say as you did back then, 'Shall we be best friends?'. We just were.
And we ran to Youth and then ran to my house and I don't think we stopped laughing and giggling and shrieking in the way of 14 year old girls. We made toasted cheese under the grill and whispered long into the morning hours. That's when we proclaimed the 1313 - It looks like 2 B's - Best Buddies. Yes, you can say 'oh wow, how childish' but we were only 14. And it just stuck. Year after year, we would celebrate together. No matter where we were in the world. We would make a point of connecting on this day.
But not today. Today I try to celebrate alone. And it's proving difficult (understatement). And most of all, I don't want to celebrate alone! I want to check facebook and see there's a wall post from her. I want to look at my phone and see her name come up. I want to make a call and hear her voice. But I'm just not going to have any of those things today, or tomorrow, or for the rest of my life and that's just not flipping fair!!
I miss you so much, my Nhandi, the most beautiful girl in the world. You were the best friend I always had. You were family, my "sister". You were unfailingly proud and honest. And probably the only person I could say 'Oooooh you're being so annoying', whereupon you'd smile and just carry on and I'd laugh. And vice versa. And now I laugh remembering how we'd do that. I'd do something weird, you'd tell me off, I'd stick my tongue out and we'd crack up laughing. How we could whatsapp each other with whatever was bugging us about our lives, and the other would answer with not what we wanted to hear but the God honest truth which hurts when it comes from someone you don't know as well.
Happy 1313 Angel, I will never forget the 24 February.
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