Approach with caution?

On a day when I'm missing my 'girl' so much, to read the shit that some people put on the internet just makes me want to scream in her name. To remember what she wrote to me in her last days with us, and then to hear her voice in my head like I do every day - makes me wish I could shout to the rooftops how she has been wronged.

And am I being over dramatic? Oh more that likely...after all that is what I do. However, I believe very strongly that she is with me and therefore I must believe that she has been wronged.

Why don't I scream it from the rooftops? Well unlike others, I'm so conscious of how her parents are feeling so why would I want to cause them more pain and suffering. I don't want to do that. I'm so far away that I can say what I want and it not affect my life - but that's not the same for her parents. I'm associated with them and the petty minded idiot(s) that affect their life are looking for every excuse to hurt them.

My angel is remembered by her friends - we remember and we love her as dearly as we did when she was on earth. That will not stop. We remember the girl that she was, the woman she became. We remember her good nature...her ability to love the people that didn't deserve her love. The second chances she gave to people who were not worthy to lick her shoes. Was she a saint.... oh was she hell! She was headstrong (not a bad fault), she was softhearted, she was my best friend. We have not moved on. I for one, know in my heart that I will never find another friend like her. That's not to say the friends I have aren't lovely and special and totally amazing but they won't get that part of me that she did.

And 24 years ago in 1989, we were busy cementing that friendship - via a bottle of two of wine and about 100 litres of Esprit and a ton of laughs. I remember this weekend, 24 years ago, so very clearly. Helping LBW into a bath and nearly falling into it ourselves. This weekend 24 years ago, shaped the 3 of us. It was without a doubt, a life changing weekend. I've blogged before on the specialness of the last week in February and this year remembering it, is especially poignant.

So no, I will not forget Nhandi. I will not replace her as easily as some have. I will not proclaim that the friends I have now are the best friends I ever could have - that our friendship is 'one in a million'.

I thought writing this would make me feel better but no, I still want to shout and rage: 'you suck' at the person who's made me so angry. I want them to hurt as much as I do. For making me angry when I'm not a person who is filled with rage, for not letting me grieve my best friend. For replacing her pretty much before she took her last breath.