Gotta be in the mood

I'm in the mood for writing... I absolutely am. And there I stop. Because all the funny things in my head and that I want to get out, are not allowed. Maybe on pen and paper...the old fashioned way.

But lets try... posts can always be deleted. And who reads my shite anyway?

So every day, I hear the same stuff - in a different tone or accent but the same stuff. Excuses, I hear excuses every single day. A lot of them aren't even original. I hear procrastination as much as excuses. I hear the words "I can't" on average, maybe 85 million times a day - sometimes as much as 20 times in 20 minutes. It's amazing how much the average human cannot do. Considering some have been to the Moon and we're doing missions to Mars, considering we transplant organs, considering some people can pull air planes. Yup, considering all that, it's amazing how many people can't do anything because they're have a mood on them. 

It's hard to remember that everyone has different levels of understanding. It's hard to not think 'ffs, my dad is in his 70's and can buy goods online' - can't pay his gas bill, but is a whizz at ordering Scotch Pies and Bridies from Scotland. Priorities you see. You want the Bridies, therefore you WILL make an effort to learn how to order them online.

And that is how we got to the Moon, someone wanted it real bad. Someone made an effort to get there.

With that kind of theory in my head... I guess it's safe to say my "I can't"s don't actually want anything.

FGF

Foood Glorious Foood...

I've eaten my lunch. It's 11.41am now, but my lunch was eaten at 10.30am. The thing is boredom but also my lunch was delicious.

Now, my lunch hour is fast approaching... with all the good will in the world, I know I will take myself to the shop across the road and get a bag of crisps. This is a given.

I have to start realising that no longer can I graze all day - I am not active enough at work and when I leave the office, I do not wish to be active. I wish to be quiet. Stillness.

Therefore, something has to give. It's the snacking. And you know I'm making steps (a little pun), coffee/coke/mega sugar intake has halved. Water intake has doubled. Ja. And it's working.

I currently (today) lack the energy. There is literally no extra energy to give. Today. Tomorrow I might have a little extra. Tuesdays are always a little meh.

I'm also on Working Day Seven of waiting for news. I know this is affecting the current meh-ness of me. It's actually more like Day 380 - thing is, once Working Day Ten is up and gone and we're into another training group I'm not on - what do I do then? I sit at my desk - and I could scream.

🎧Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle of whinge🎧


And there we have it, why I ate my lunch at 10.30am. 🍒

Different days

So it's been one of those stereotypical Mondays.... only it's Thursday. But no matter...the name of a day doesn't determine the mood of it.
The sun is shining, birds are all of a tweet and yet, things were just a bit off.
However, I got told I'm fairly healthy, I was able to get a Starbucks and I drove fast, my music sing-a-long loud, with the windows down and the wind in my sails/hair and I had a tasty meal. So really, how bad was today? We as a person, tend to focus on the bad and say the whole day was a write off...but I've just noted about several good things that happened. So morals are... don't dwell. I laughed loudly with people... I had text banter with my dad, we had a baby born into the family. An epic day by all accounts..peppered with a hooplehead or two.
But I also found out a friend from teenage 'vagabond' days died... and I reached for my phone to let Nhandi know. Seriously Brain, it's been nearly 6 years. At what point do you stop doing that? And she would get why I'm a little nostalgic, she lived through those days with me. And we could have laughed a lot about all those memories.
So A, you were the epitome of cool to me. A little bit rogue in a suburban way. The one that just went two steps too far, but had a killer smile so got away with it. Taught me how to faint so I could get out of class... gave me a valuable lesson in friendships. Called me when V died and begged me not to come. Held me in the biggest hug when he saw me next and let me cry. Didn't laugh when a motorbike exhaust bit my leg (like everyone else did), but instead put ice/mixed veg on my leg and sat with me all afternoon. Yeah, you had a player tag. You treated some girls abysmally. But you were a teenager, I can't recall anyone who seriously disliked you (except those other good looking guys! :D) You're one of those boys who I'll always remember for being so good to me when I felt all short, full of freckles and awkward. When all the other girls looked like they fitted, you'd pull me onto your lap and whisper some really funny shit. Maybe you recognised me. I probably should have said thank you. Rest well Gus... maybe you and Nhandi can have one of those awful flaming sambucas you crazy cats liked so much.

Mindful

What I find interesting about the whole concept of Mindfulness, is that the people who would most benefit from it - are the ones that are so opposed to it.

I love it, I guess I belong to the 'smug' club. But I find it DOES help me in ways I didn't think I needed help. And that might be the most beautiful thing about it.

I think of myself as pretty chill - I get passionate about certain things sure, but on the most, things roll over me. Then I started Mindfulness, and realised I was carrying SO much around with me. So many things circling my brain - issues that weren't mine, issues that were but didn't need my time. It was just frantic in there - and I didn't realise until I slowed down a bit. Until I used the meditation.

And now, now my head is cleaner, it's calmer, it's not aching as much. Oh, I have a way to go. A long long way to go. However, it's about recognising when I'm having a freak out, when I need to 'be mindful', when I need to breathe.

This week was about befriending yourself. Fair enough, I thought, I'm pretty kind to others. In reality, I could actually be a lot more tolerant. I have patches of it all, I'm sure everyone does. But I am kind, I am empathic - when it suits me. I can also be scathing, with a sharp tongue (mostly in my head). I'm not being too hard on me, but I am acknowledging my faults and how to correct them. Tolerance and more thereof!

Today is a day I could beat myself up .... today is a year we lost Lani. I could be hard on myself for not being there physically for her... but actually living in another hemisphere is not really something anyone can put blame to. I can't say I wasn't there for her, because I was. I could say that if she wasn't being treated so abysmally, we might have realised she was ill - not just having a breakdown. But it is past now, I have to stop freaking out, I have to stop feeling so utterly bereft. In short, I have to limit my howling at the moon.

To be Mindful

Letting it all fly

I've had about 3 - maybe 4 - blogs floating around my head for about the past week. Now generally, they pop in AS I'm falling asleep or when I'm driving. Basically, when I'm nowhere near a writing implement. And then by the time I am, the idea has flown onto another space in my brain. Makes me think that I'm so busy in my head the rest of the time, that my creativity is having to fight for it's voice. i.e only comes through when I'm relaxed. I've started doing the Mindfulness course, so am trying my best to relax my brain, get my meditation on! And I am convinced that once I start using it completely, my creativity will find that it's voice is louder and breaking through more.

I have so much 'stuff' just circling in myself at the moment, things popping in and out constantly. I need quiet, but it's hard to come by. I need to know CG is going to be okay with his future. It's a shit to not being able to plan this for him. It's his path now. I've done my guiding. It's hard to not take over. It's hard to not know what my role is now. I know he'll always be my 'baby', my son, my child and I'll always be a mother. BUT... it's now about letting him fly, when all I want to do is hold him close. And I question how I've brought him up... no I don't. Not the teaching him manners blah blah blah, yeah I did a great job there. I mean the 'could I have done more?'. Could I have pushed him a bit more there, did a bit more overtime to take him there. The crux is though, can I say he has always known love from me? Yes I can. Did I teach him right from wrong? Yes I did. Did I give him all I could? Yes I did.

So, I need to stop this. I have done well. I will continue to do well. He will be fine, no matter what. Because while I'm letting him fly, I'll always be on the ground for him.

And breathe

I said goodbye to 2017 with a shot of plum sake. I said hello to 2017 with a martini. Seems fitting.

Within the year, I also said goodbye to my Lani-mom. It was hard, it is hard. It's trite and clichéd but I really thought we would have more days/chats/visits together. I really thought she'd watch Gabi grow into a beautiful young lady. I just never thought she'd not be there for me and vice versa. I am terrible about sending cards but this year was the first year, I saw a Happy Hanukkah card and realised I didn't have to think about sending one. I miss her. I miss her so much. But I know, I really know that her life was so full of pain and that she had to say goodbye.
I also send goodbye to apathy - this one wasn't as hard. I said goodbye to biting my tongue quite as hard and my voice found it's voice. I said hello to a little more financial freedom.

2017 was good to me. I saw bands - lots of them. I got to dance like a loon with a thousand other heartbeats and grin like the Cheshire Cat. Prime Circle, AJJ, Green Day, Rancid, Sage and Nick - I got to see new music *Start Wearing Purple, wearing purple* And 2018 will be no different. Music - speaks to my soul and my soul needs to speak.
We went places - Edinburgh to the North, Swansea to the West, Ashford to the East and Brighton to the South.. the compass is covered. 2018 will require a passport at least twice.

Yes, 2018 come and get me. More laughing, more dancing, more trips in Angelo, no loss.

Cook

I have this picture of my nana in my kitchen. I have so many amazing memories of her and I in a kitchen. I would sit on the floor (Gigi and I looking for scraps no doubt), and we would chat away. I didn’t realise it at the time, but she was showing me how to cook. I can hear her voice “Alison, when you make vongolle.....” “Alison, when you boil milk....”
This picture of her sits in my kitchen, but not this week as I’m getting a new kitchen. And as it takes shape, I realise her influence in the scheme I chose. I realise her influence in most I do. It took a village to raise me...4 strong women and 2 awesome men. I hope she’s proud of the lady she helped to grow.

So that was a blog I thought I had posted but turns out I didn't... was written about a month or two ago. Def last year anyway around November time. I have a new kitchen now - it's pretty darn fabulous and while it might be too pink - not the pink I chose, I'm enjoying cooking in it.

And teaching CG the little things my Nana taught me. Maybe I'm giving him memories. He is very competent in zucchini - rejoice in the Italian heritage! ;-)

Yesterday we did sushi - for the 500. Could never have done it in the old kitchen. I sat today at my parents and realised how much cooking together is a part of who we all are. And how much I love that about my family.