Two weeks of music and all the stuff

 While I'm in a writing mood. Let me tell you about my festivals this year. Oh what a great couple of weeks that was. 

I saw Pearl Jam twice in one week. I saw the Pixies which made my inner 16 year old SUPER happy. I cried when songs where played because: Suzy. And I realised Covid did me a injury with the spicy stuff - turns out chilli makes my lip swell to epic proportions, like I've had ALL the filler. Amusing now, very amusing at the time. 

We were blessed with fantastic weather, but not the first day where a mini-monsoon came to town. However, it will be one of my 'stuck in the brain' memories. Rag 'n Bone playing Anywhere away from Here with sheets of rain falling onto me, steam rising from the previously hot earth. It seemed like I was the only person in that field of thousands. Korn at Download was a similar experience. 

(just took a moment to look for it on Youtube - does not disappoint. Now I'm in a RW wormhole) 

Thankfully we had a lovely tent all set up and were able to go and get changed and dry. And I discovered new bands which is always an awesome experience. I've said it so many times but festivals in Europe are a millions levels above the UK festivals. Food is varied, you're not limited to beer/cider/warm wine but Martini's! I drunk myself silly on Bellinis - well it came with fruit. The people are friendly, not drunken savages. The toilets are clean - Reading do you read that - CLEAN! And I had a bloody amazing time. And a mere 4 days later, we gathered at Hyde Park for Pearl Jam/Pixies and again, the sun shone, I had people around me who have known me for forever and still love me. Life was so good. And you know, it should be awkward that I'm the token single person in a sea of couples. But I don't feel that. I just feel really grateful and thankful I have friendships that run into the decades and also that I have friendships that FEEL like they've run into the decades. 

I laughed so much over those two weeks, really laughed, really spoke, lived. And maybe I'm over sentimental. Maybe I'm appreciative because of who I've lost. And our childhood has lost some big characters this year already. 

How'da like them clichés? :) 

Luvyabuh

 Whoa, so I haven't blogged since Feb. I think it's pretty accurate to assume I've been not in the place to do so. I have written though - old skool pen and paper. I have a lovely new fountain pen which makes me feel very fancy when I'm sitting at my table in the garden, armed with a new notebook. I've been in love with fountain pens since I got one for my 18th birthday, so I feel like I'm coming back to THAT girl who journalled every day. If that means the blogging takes a hit, so be it. 

But I suspect it's also because I lost my Suzy in February. And the contrast between losing her and losing Nhandi was immense. And I'm not sure which was worse, if you can compare as it's not really a competition is it? I am so grateful I was there for her at the end. That I saw her and held her hand and told her to dance so loudly. I haven't grieved. I know this. I grieved before she left us. Sat in my car and wailed after being so cheery with her so many times. Cried out in pain when she was told she only had weeks left. But since she's gone, my tears have been very private, my sobs catching me unawares. To the outside world, I must look stone cold hard. "Oh I'm fine" - should get it tattooed. But it's her birthday soon. Will that be the day I break? 

I miss her ALL the time... we shared so many Ali/Su jokes, I must have gone to text her a thousand times. I HATE that we'll never do all the stuff we planned for the future. And that's not a lesson in doing stuff in the NOW...because we did. I mean additional stuff.  I miss her humour, her 'aww chickie'... and her 'luvyabah' whenever she left.  Flip, I just miss her. I've also been angry at her. And yeah, I know that's one of the steps. This was not meant to happen. Simple as. I also didn't realise how many Suzy phrases I had picked up. This is amusing. Anyone for a parking hole? :) 

I have planned a meal for her birthday. Not a prosecco, chinese, laughing meal like our SAS tradition but a meal nonetheless and we will laugh and no doubt shed a tear but we WILL laugh. Because that's what she did a lot.