Luvyabuh

 Whoa, so I haven't blogged since Feb. I think it's pretty accurate to assume I've been not in the place to do so. I have written though - old skool pen and paper. I have a lovely new fountain pen which makes me feel very fancy when I'm sitting at my table in the garden, armed with a new notebook. I've been in love with fountain pens since I got one for my 18th birthday, so I feel like I'm coming back to THAT girl who journalled every day. If that means the blogging takes a hit, so be it. 

But I suspect it's also because I lost my Suzy in February. And the contrast between losing her and losing Nhandi was immense. And I'm not sure which was worse, if you can compare as it's not really a competition is it? I am so grateful I was there for her at the end. That I saw her and held her hand and told her to dance so loudly. I haven't grieved. I know this. I grieved before she left us. Sat in my car and wailed after being so cheery with her so many times. Cried out in pain when she was told she only had weeks left. But since she's gone, my tears have been very private, my sobs catching me unawares. To the outside world, I must look stone cold hard. "Oh I'm fine" - should get it tattooed. But it's her birthday soon. Will that be the day I break? 

I miss her ALL the time... we shared so many Ali/Su jokes, I must have gone to text her a thousand times. I HATE that we'll never do all the stuff we planned for the future. And that's not a lesson in doing stuff in the NOW...because we did. I mean additional stuff.  I miss her humour, her 'aww chickie'... and her 'luvyabah' whenever she left.  Flip, I just miss her. I've also been angry at her. And yeah, I know that's one of the steps. This was not meant to happen. Simple as. I also didn't realise how many Suzy phrases I had picked up. This is amusing. Anyone for a parking hole? :) 

I have planned a meal for her birthday. Not a prosecco, chinese, laughing meal like our SAS tradition but a meal nonetheless and we will laugh and no doubt shed a tear but we WILL laugh. Because that's what she did a lot.