9 years

9 years, what does that look like? It looks like a lot of anger, a lot of what could have been and a lot of missing someone. But it also looks like a lot of laughing. A lot of thankfulness for having such a beautiful soul in my life for 24 years. A lot of talking to myself.

9 years, I cannot fathom Nhandi has been gone so long. I can still recall every emotion of that day, nine years ago. And every emotion since.

Just three years ago, I found myself alone on a beach in Goa and I screamed out over the Arabian Sea at her asking why had she left me, her parents, her babies behind. I flumped onto the sand and sobbed and sobbed.

There is so much of my life she has missed... so much she would have given me hell for. I can hear her shrieking with laughter over a lot of it as well. I know I've made bad choices, based totally out of grief for her - some great ones as well. I know she'd have understood each and every one of them.

So I take off this day from work every year... and some years I cry buckets and other days I laugh hysterically. But always I remember. I remember that I had a great love, a great friendship, a sister I chose for myself and someone who got me no matter what. Who wasn't afraid to tell me I was being a brat.

This year is a bittersweet one - I'm emotional but I'm not sad. I just miss my best friend. My 1313. My Nhands.

I'm so meh

 As always, the need to type furiously and fast just slams into me. I could write but it turns out I actually can't right now (this has never happened). I've been sitting, armed with a pen (sometimes two) and one of my many notebooks and I end up doodling. I am unable to put pen to paper. I'm hoping I can put fingers to keyboard a bit better. 

My head is a cacophony of thoughts right now. I am all a jumble. It's like I'm all fits and starts. I'm wanting to move forward, but I'm also wondering if I'm just repeating my old adage of saying 'the chapter is over' when really it's not. And I'll prove myself wrong yet again. There is also a part of me that wonders if I'm just having that in my head as a forefront to not deal with anything else. 

And there's a lot to deal with right now. 

It turns out I can't put fingers to keyboard either right now. I want to, I really do. But I have nothing I want to put down in print. 

I will say this: I'm really quite weary and tired of being told one thing and then seeing something else in front of me. I'm tired of all the double talk and double action. I'm really just tired of having to do and say the right thing all the time. I'm tired of the hints about being 'fat' for one, for my mom being in rehab (of the physical kind) and not knowing how much to push for another.  

I'm tired. I hope this is just a phase and the start of the winter meh.