9 years

9 years, what does that look like? It looks like a lot of anger, a lot of what could have been and a lot of missing someone. But it also looks like a lot of laughing. A lot of thankfulness for having such a beautiful soul in my life for 24 years. A lot of talking to myself.

9 years, I cannot fathom Nhandi has been gone so long. I can still recall every emotion of that day, nine years ago. And every emotion since.

Just three years ago, I found myself alone on a beach in Goa and I screamed out over the Arabian Sea at her asking why had she left me, her parents, her babies behind. I flumped onto the sand and sobbed and sobbed.

There is so much of my life she has missed... so much she would have given me hell for. I can hear her shrieking with laughter over a lot of it as well. I know I've made bad choices, based totally out of grief for her - some great ones as well. I know she'd have understood each and every one of them.

So I take off this day from work every year... and some years I cry buckets and other days I laugh hysterically. But always I remember. I remember that I had a great love, a great friendship, a sister I chose for myself and someone who got me no matter what. Who wasn't afraid to tell me I was being a brat.

This year is a bittersweet one - I'm emotional but I'm not sad. I just miss my best friend. My 1313. My Nhands.