As always, the need to type furiously and fast just slams into me. I could write but it turns out I actually can't right now (this has never happened). I've been sitting, armed with a pen (sometimes two) and one of my many notebooks and I end up doodling. I am unable to put pen to paper. I'm hoping I can put fingers to keyboard a bit better.
My head is a cacophony of thoughts right now. I am all a jumble. It's like I'm all fits and starts. I'm wanting to move forward, but I'm also wondering if I'm just repeating my old adage of saying 'the chapter is over' when really it's not. And I'll prove myself wrong yet again. There is also a part of me that wonders if I'm just having that in my head as a forefront to not deal with anything else.
And there's a lot to deal with right now.
It turns out I can't put fingers to keyboard either right now. I want to, I really do. But I have nothing I want to put down in print.
I will say this: I'm really quite weary and tired of being told one thing and then seeing something else in front of me. I'm tired of all the double talk and double action. I'm really just tired of having to do and say the right thing all the time. I'm tired of the hints about being 'fat' for one, for my mom being in rehab (of the physical kind) and not knowing how much to push for another.
I'm tired. I hope this is just a phase and the start of the winter meh.
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