Letting it all fly

I've had about 3 - maybe 4 - blogs floating around my head for about the past week. Now generally, they pop in AS I'm falling asleep or when I'm driving. Basically, when I'm nowhere near a writing implement. And then by the time I am, the idea has flown onto another space in my brain. Makes me think that I'm so busy in my head the rest of the time, that my creativity is having to fight for it's voice. i.e only comes through when I'm relaxed. I've started doing the Mindfulness course, so am trying my best to relax my brain, get my meditation on! And I am convinced that once I start using it completely, my creativity will find that it's voice is louder and breaking through more.

I have so much 'stuff' just circling in myself at the moment, things popping in and out constantly. I need quiet, but it's hard to come by. I need to know CG is going to be okay with his future. It's a shit to not being able to plan this for him. It's his path now. I've done my guiding. It's hard to not take over. It's hard to not know what my role is now. I know he'll always be my 'baby', my son, my child and I'll always be a mother. BUT... it's now about letting him fly, when all I want to do is hold him close. And I question how I've brought him up... no I don't. Not the teaching him manners blah blah blah, yeah I did a great job there. I mean the 'could I have done more?'. Could I have pushed him a bit more there, did a bit more overtime to take him there. The crux is though, can I say he has always known love from me? Yes I can. Did I teach him right from wrong? Yes I did. Did I give him all I could? Yes I did.

So, I need to stop this. I have done well. I will continue to do well. He will be fine, no matter what. Because while I'm letting him fly, I'll always be on the ground for him.

And breathe

I said goodbye to 2017 with a shot of plum sake. I said hello to 2017 with a martini. Seems fitting.

Within the year, I also said goodbye to my Lani-mom. It was hard, it is hard. It's trite and clichéd but I really thought we would have more days/chats/visits together. I really thought she'd watch Gabi grow into a beautiful young lady. I just never thought she'd not be there for me and vice versa. I am terrible about sending cards but this year was the first year, I saw a Happy Hanukkah card and realised I didn't have to think about sending one. I miss her. I miss her so much. But I know, I really know that her life was so full of pain and that she had to say goodbye.
I also send goodbye to apathy - this one wasn't as hard. I said goodbye to biting my tongue quite as hard and my voice found it's voice. I said hello to a little more financial freedom.

2017 was good to me. I saw bands - lots of them. I got to dance like a loon with a thousand other heartbeats and grin like the Cheshire Cat. Prime Circle, AJJ, Green Day, Rancid, Sage and Nick - I got to see new music *Start Wearing Purple, wearing purple* And 2018 will be no different. Music - speaks to my soul and my soul needs to speak.
We went places - Edinburgh to the North, Swansea to the West, Ashford to the East and Brighton to the South.. the compass is covered. 2018 will require a passport at least twice.

Yes, 2018 come and get me. More laughing, more dancing, more trips in Angelo, no loss.

Cook

I have this picture of my nana in my kitchen. I have so many amazing memories of her and I in a kitchen. I would sit on the floor (Gigi and I looking for scraps no doubt), and we would chat away. I didn’t realise it at the time, but she was showing me how to cook. I can hear her voice “Alison, when you make vongolle.....” “Alison, when you boil milk....”
This picture of her sits in my kitchen, but not this week as I’m getting a new kitchen. And as it takes shape, I realise her influence in the scheme I chose. I realise her influence in most I do. It took a village to raise me...4 strong women and 2 awesome men. I hope she’s proud of the lady she helped to grow.

So that was a blog I thought I had posted but turns out I didn't... was written about a month or two ago. Def last year anyway around November time. I have a new kitchen now - it's pretty darn fabulous and while it might be too pink - not the pink I chose, I'm enjoying cooking in it.

And teaching CG the little things my Nana taught me. Maybe I'm giving him memories. He is very competent in zucchini - rejoice in the Italian heritage! ;-)

Yesterday we did sushi - for the 500. Could never have done it in the old kitchen. I sat today at my parents and realised how much cooking together is a part of who we all are. And how much I love that about my family.