Feels

Feels like:

Partying all night 

Eyes like sloths

Legs like drunken teenagers 

Head like a zombie 

Reality is just a few hours of sleep. With awful busy dreams which make me feel like I've been awake. 

I don't think I'll be a grumpy puss all day. True to past sleeplessness, I'll probably overcompensate, mainline coffee and be a little manic. 

So sleepy, so tired and I've only been up 40 minutes. 

I'm me and I'm annoying ;-)

I'm reading a book by Nadine Gordimer. It doesn't matter what it's called. It's like all her books, beautifully written, with characters and words that you feel come alive. 

It's not easy reading, it's not meant to be. And I'm sure that they're not for everyone, her books. 

I used to wonder if I liked her work so much because I was a bit pretentious and I thought it was expected of me. 

But I'm years out of school and I still adore her prose.

The book I'm reading now is set in my mom's time, so I can't pretend to understand or take it as fact. But it rings true of the other stories I've heard. Of the things my mom believes in and the things she wanted to do but maybe couldn't as she was scared. I'm supposing here, putting my thoughts onto this image i have of my mom. I do know she did a freedom march or three, so possibly I'm not far off the mark. 

But back to this book I'm reading. I wish I could be a writer with half the talent Nadine Gordimer had. I believe I have the words in me, I just don't think I have the focus to get them out. The knowledge maybe? 

This is my struggle. My attempts are sometimes intense for a while and then half hearted. 

It's frustrating. it's annoying and it's me. 

Happy places

In my element. Sun beating done on my bones, the sound of the sea, waves cooling my toes. Purrfect. These things make my soul sing a happy tune. 

Perceive me wrong.

Perceptions can be misleading. There's so many sayings to that regard. Don't judge a book by its cover et al blah blah 

I'm guilty of it, for shore most are. And obviously it gets me annoyed when people percieve something of me that I don't think is who I am. 

Just because I look a certain way doesn't mean I am the dumb blonde. Just because I smile a lot doesn't mean I never get pissed off. 

Don't judge. 

Today I believe I was belittled. And when I stood my ground, fought the corner, the bully got louder. I didn't. Who won? 

Today I was undermined. Did I throw my toys? Nope, I merely took it higher. I stated the facts wholly and with no emotion. I was the winner. 

I will accept that I might have been in error (note the might), I might have even taken it on board had it been proved i was. What I will never accept is rudeness and being called out in a rude and aggressive manner. THAT is why I took it further. 

I fully believe she thought I was an easy target, a mug if you will. I think that's what bullies go for. She was wrong.