Grrr and giggles

It's quite silly.

I have plenty people I can call up or talk to, day or night and they'll be there for me. There's TheBear who I can gabble at length with anything/everything... LBW who is only at the end of a whatsapp messsage and my Catty who is the world's best listener and who gets my stuff and understands it. etc etc I have people.

But every so often, and I'm sure this is normal, I get a flash to call/text/email Nhandi. It's been 2 and a half years...how come I still reach for my phone to connect with her? It's ridiculous and also silly - and then I get annoyed and upset that I can't.

I don't stop missing her, I really don't...like I still miss my Nana. But I deal with it...until days like today when I want to punch something hard and scream. And kick the thing that took her away from me and everyone else. 5 stages of grief that circle around. Today I've hit anger and sad all in one. In fairness, it's been building. And I think that's what it does... grief mumbles along and then bangs a streak out.

But today I went to message her and now the punch is in my chest and it hurts. And then I get angry with myself for not being there enough for Lani_Mom who has this punch in the chest every single day.

I miss my 1313 - I guess it won't go away.

Tomorrow will be better....

And as I'm typing this, I have had spotify on random and Wilson Phillips comes on the randomiser. Hold on... Oh Nhandi... now I have the giggles. It might be craziness on my part but I like to think she's just played a huge part in me about to feel sorry for myself and now I'm crying with laughter instead and dancing around the kitchen with the biggest grin.