18 months

So its 18 months today since Nhandi left this world. A whole year and a half. And it's Mother's Day in South Africa today. Had she still been with us, I bet she would have been posting about how special her day had been, how blessed she was to be the mother of two beautiful children. How she loved her own mom. That sort of thing.
And yet she's not here to do all those things.
18 months.. and I still remember that morning so clearly. How I tried not to answer the phone as it was going to be bad news. How I lay in my bed thinking that if I didn't answer the phone, my life would stay as it was - I would still have a best friend to see and visit and love and talk to. So I lay there thinking all that, still woefully drunk from the night before and then I knew I couldn't delay it any longer, I pulled myself up, I sat on the side of my bed and took the call that changed how my life would be from now on.
And when you get news like that, your brain won't take it in. The first words are of disbelief - no no no was what came out of my mouth. While your brain is processing this - your body is going into shock. It refuses to work the way it needs to. My legs decided they were useless. They couldn't hold my weight. I crumpled to the floor and there I stayed - making all the phone calls, I never thought I'd have to. Waking people up to inform them a beauty had passed away. At some point, I ended up in my kitchen - I don't know how I got there, I might have crawled.
What the brain does then is remarkable. It shows you normality. Look a kettle, put it on. There's your cup, insert coffee, sugar and milk. The tears stop. You pour the water, you stir. You sip. And then boom! The brain remembers why you woke up so early, and the "no no no" starts again. I lay on my carpet. I sobbed, I stopped, I started again. The whole day was like that. The shock, the disbelief, the grief, the numbness.

If I look to that day 18 months ago, when my heart broke. I think yes, I have gotten better. But every now and again (like today), my brain and my body go into what I think is a mini-shock and I get a refresher in the grief stakes. I am still disbelieving she is gone.

Just last week, I was going through an old phone and came across a photo she had sent me of little G - they had been in the supermarket and G had wanted a packed of crisps - my favourite kind. Nhandi was in hysterics - she had never promoted that kind of snack to G before. Nhandi reckoned I had influenced from afar. She sent me the picture, saying she was laughing so much - that my god-daughter was clearly following in my footsteps. And it's a beautiful picture and one I had forgotten about. I do like that I still see signs for my girl here and there. Maybe they are not signs at all but that I'm looking for affirmation she is still here. Either or, they help my brain and body with the loss.

And I still really really miss her. I wish I could tell her about TheBear and about CG leaving school and how emo I'm being about it all. All wishes that will never come true.

So a happy memory to end off because I refuse to acknowledge how sad I feel right now and instead I want to laugh when I think of her *Remember by Christina Rosetti*

And I'm typing this and laughing and realising I'm not going to share anything because all the stories that are popping into my head are ones that shouldn't be mentioned!

Ah my noo noo, my noodles, my nhands, you are still so missed and loved and cherished. #wishyouwerehere