I see the positive in stuff, I know this to be true. And that doesn't mean I'm not meh and arrrgh some of the times, but confronted with a shitty situation, I have a NEED to see the sunshine in it. To find a way.
I've lost a best friend - I do not want to travel down that road again. I don't want to be that mess I was. I don't want to lie on my hallway carpet and wail. I don't want to collapse with grief on the inside and the outside. In order to do that, I have to believe my #shotgun is going to be the 30% that makes it. That she'll celebrate my milestone birthdays with me. That we will do another road trip. That we will bounce innuendos off each other that makes it seem like we rehearsed it.
I don't know if I'm doing it right. I need to acknowledge the bad news, but I don't want to right now. I just need to be that person for her.
I really don't know if I'm doing it right. I don't know if I can do it again, I don't want to lose my best friend. I don't want to be a mess again. An angry inconsolable mess. That collapsing on the floor, rocking back and forth, crying at everything mess. Looking for blame everywhere, kicking out at everything. Making poor life choices.
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